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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: bout six years ago, I had a really, really close male friend who I was head over heels for. We were friends with benefits for a while. I thought - as a typical, inexperienced 15 year old girl - that this would make him fall for me. It didn't, although he was always really considerate with me and told me he wouldn't have done that with anyone who he didn't really care for. We made out a lot, he touched me over my clothes, and I gave him sort of a BJ (he didn't cum... we got scared we'd get caught). That was exactly 6 years ago. 2 years later, that really close friend (we no longer had benefits) introduced me to my now boyfriend.Boyfriend and I got to know each other for 5 months until he made his move. We fell in love quickly, and everything was great. He was really romantic, sweet. He was a bit jealous, but it was kind of cute. Everything went well, for six months. Then chaos started. He got jealous of my friend, asked if something had happened between us in the past, and I told him. He flipped. Ever since things have not been the same. But I love him, I love him so much. And I've been the most faithful, patient girlfriend. I've lost my patience easily, but I try my best to be patient with him. I've tried being understanding, too.He is obsessed with this whole oral sex thing now, since it happened around this date on 2004. He resents me so much. Now he says he wants to date other women, while still being with me. I told him to forget about it, since I haven't cheated on him and that's not fair. He says it feels like I cheated on him. I don't know what to do. I haven't cheated and if he feels cheated on, sorry but that's his prob! I feel cheated on when he watches porn, but I don't nag and tell him I'll date other men 'cause I feel he's cheating on me. I just accept it and such. It's ridiculous, I think, to feel cheated on because I was with a guy he knows, 2 years before we even met! I had intercourse for the first time with my boyfriend (since he doesn't consider I was a virgin, because apparently since I put that other guy's dick in my mout I ceased being a virgin). I'd say 99% of my whole sexual experience has been exclusive to him. But he's obsessed with this other guy, he seems to believe this other guy was more important in my life. Needless to say he wasn't. He was just a friend. Did I like him? Yes, a lot. Did I cry for him? Yes. Did I love him? No. I just cared for him a lot, idealized him and had a huge crush. Do I love my boyfriend? Yes, a lot, have I suffered for him? Yes. But my boyfriend... he is still convinced this other guy is still more important, even though we haven't spoken in almost 4 years.What can I do? Now he wants to date others and since I said no, we're currently kind of in a break. I know he'll come back telling me he wants to be with me if I let him date, but I don't want to. I just don't think it's fair, and maybe it'll make him feel better, but not me. It'll make things a lot worse for me.I know a lot of aunts here have first hand experience with issues about a partners past, or a partner who is jealous of their past. Please help me find a solution. Thanks!
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a break, crush, fell in love, friend with benefits, jealous, oral sex, porn Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2010): It sounds like he feels a bit decieved about your past experience. That's part of the problem. If you didn't ever lie to him then I guess he assumed you were less experienced than you really were.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (11 February 2010):
You haven't cheated at all. This is more about a very pathetic, insecure and immature young men wanting to have his cake and eat it. Do not tolerate it. If he loved you, he would only want to be with you. He clearly doesn't love you, and you can do better. Get away from him and never take him back. Never allow yourself to be treated this way by a useless guy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2010): My boyfriend used to accuse me like this all the time. I would be afraid and then crawl for him to believe me and beg him to listen to me explain the truth. And the whole time he too would jerk to porn, mack women, flirt with women and go out with them.
Then one day I thought I'm not doing that anymore. I am a decent, wonderful girlfriend, and if he doesn't see it, and assaults me with his paranoia, I'll leave him. So he did it again and I emailed his Blackberry and said, "I promised myself that if you ever did that again, it would be the last time. Consider us over and never contact me again." and he got off work and went after me to save the relationship and I just stone walled him and told him never and no chance. So he had to take two days and conjur up some irresistable proposal to take him back, presented a pretty decent plan and package, and I told him I will only go through the actions but he doesn't have my committment and it's all his chance. He took it and things are better.
I say it's always worth it to dump the person who's behavior is intolerable.
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A
female
reader, Kassi (Nova)  +, writes (11 February 2010):
 Okay, so you made a mistake about not being completely honest about your past with the friend who introduced you and your boyfriend. But, in your defense, you felt bad enough to want to be honest.
You're right. You didn't cheat, and when you were intimate with this friend, you had feelings for him- so you weren't in the sexual relationship for the sex. You wanted to be with him. Your boyfriend's reaction is an overreaction. My husband admitted (after we were already engaged) that a few years previous he had a sexual relationship with a close mutual friend of ours. It makes me uncomfortable, to be sure, but he doesn't owe me an explanation or an apology- it came way before I did.
It sounds to me like your boyfriend needs some reassurance that you're not interested in your friend anymore, and that he is the only one you want. Don't apologize, and don't give in to his request- it's in the name of hurting you back. If that's what he really does want, then he was always looking for an excuse to sleep around.
Spend some time paying a lot of attention to him and to his feelings. I suspect he feels more emotionally betrayed as opposed to sexually. He just needs some time and attention to realize that he succeeded in being close and loving with you where your friend could not. If feeling superior is more important to him than you are, dump his ass for someone who deserves you.
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A
male
reader, Illithid  +, writes (11 February 2010):
 You're 100% right. You have not cheated on your boyfriend, are not even close with the man you previously had some limited experience with, and have been utterly loyal and he is being unreasonable. Now, I can understand that he's young and hung up about the purity of his girlfriend, but in a few years he'll realize that most girls have done as much as (or more than) you've done.
I suggest you ask him if he should be refused by girls in the future just for having slept with you. He's not a virgin now, so should he be unworthy for dates?
I know you love him, but he's being immature and selfish and, honestly, stupid. Either he will need to get over this unhealthy worry about your past, or he's not good enough for you.
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A
female
reader, Lightningrod +, writes (11 February 2010):
Everyone has a past, though I'd probably refrain from volunteering such information in the future. Tell him you were just young and curious, it meant nothing, in fact its almost laughable now.
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