A
female
age
30-35,
*it-Kat
writes:I absolutely hate my mum. she has the most horrible mood swings in the world. when she is in a bad mood, she makes me feel like Im not wanted, and when I talk to dad, he isnt interested or takes her side so i feel totally alone in my house, having no brothers or sisters. I've told my friends, and they have been sympathetic but I dont want to keep bothering them with this. I just want to know what I can do to help our relationship, here are some things that have happened.mum was on holiday from work so she had a few friends around on the sunday night. I was revising for an exam i had the next day. it was about midnight, and the music was blaring, so i went downstairs and asked them to turn the music down and went upstairs again. this went on for another 2 hours, and I explained to her about my exam, but she refused to turn it down, so I turned it down. she went crazy and threw me out the room. 10 minutes later when everyone had gone home, she started screaming at me, calling me a bitch, and that i dont really belong in this house, she is just putting up with me, and that she hates me. i looked to dad for help, and he just sat in his chair laughing. i went upstairs and packed some stuff, and planned on sleeping at a friends house. i tried to leave but she threw me back into my room. the next morning she came in and acted like nothing happened. i told her what she said and asked for an apology but she said i shouldnt take things so seriously.a few minutes ago, i was downstairs cutting up brownies i made. when i passed her to go into the kitchen she said i should get to bed soon and i said i will as soon as I done this. 5 minutes later, she came in, and started shouting at me because it was too late to be blowing icing sugar about and i was making a mess. i said i would clean up and offered to do the icing sugar part outside, but she said i couldnt because she had the heating on and im not allowed outside this late at night. she tore up my brownies and shoved them in a box and handed them to me, and told me to get out. i said no because i had to clean up, but she slammed the kitchen door in my face. i went up to talk to dad about it, and he said i shouldnt of argued with her. she stormed upstairs, told dad that i called her a fat bitch, and he came into my room and called me a few horrible names. i tried to tell him she was lying but he doesnt believe me.help, i feel so alone in this house! i feel like i dont belong here and that they dont want me. i am guilty of being moody to her sometimes, but i never say anything like ' i wish i didnt have u as parents' but she says these awful things to me, and then tell me i souldnt take it so seriously. what can i do? talking to her doesnt work, she just gets mad...
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female
reader, LizBeth  +, writes (15 March 2011):
You pegged it when you said that she has horrible mood swings. Your mother is ill and needs help. Unfortunately, you aren't the one who can guide her to that. It sounds like your father is in denial, so I don't know that talking to him will help. All you can do is find strategies to survive this until you can leave home. Please speak with a counselor at school to help you with this. And ask the counselor to not speak with your parents about this. I have a feeling that this would put your mother through the roof and that she would take it out on you.I'm sorry you're going through this. You are NOT to blame for your mother's problems. You are not and have not caused this problem. Please, please, please remember this and do not beat yourself up for her problems. The sooner you learn and believe this, the sooner you will be healthier inside.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2011): Hey Kit Kat,I know what you're going through. I've been through it myself and even now I still go thru it. Fortunately, I am leaving home in a few months and will be living with a man I am going to be marrying. The thing is I've lived with her nearly all my life. Yes, I'm still living at home, but I know you probably will be moving out as soon as you are adult enough. The thing is mothers can be like that sometimes. I don't know what it is but they can be like that. My mom yells at me for no reason at all. She will find something to yell at me about and tell me off. Everything, just like a cup of coffee to some rational folks, she will tell me off. She will tell me I look ugly, or tell me that my clothes are ugly and so on and so forth. She also puts me down at family parties and other places she feels like. She knows what she's doing cause she's told me before. She apologized for it but she kept doing it after that. I'd like to say that maybe she's just jealous that I'm still young yet at the same time I don't know what else it could be. I mind my own business, I work and don't ask for money, I help when I can at home, and I leave them alone but still yet I am a pest or annoying to her. Dad also sides with her but at one time, he told me that I should just say yes and leave it alone. He knows I won't do it but he says the only way around it is just to say okay and leave it alone.You are a bright girl with a lovely future ahead of you. Maybe this will help us to be better mothers' to our own children someday? Maybe it will help us to understand why they are the way they are? I know that I will try to be the best mother to my children when I have them. I want to help them grow to be the best possible citizens in the world and make a difference in a very gentle and positive way. Not one where mothers or even fathers brow beat their children. It's like that John Mayer song..."Mother's be good to your daughters, daughters will love like you do..."...believe in yourself Kit Kat...you are a good person, you are a wonderful person...I see that you are a confident young woman with a good personality and a good heart. I wish you all the best and write back if you need to. I know how you feel. I've been there. I'm still there. You are a good person.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (14 March 2011):
 Hi Kit Kat, sounds like your Mom is going through her own teenage stage a second time? Do you have an Aunt or Grandmother who is more responsible than your Mom and who could introduce some commonsense into this situation?
Your Mom seems to have built up a well of irrational resentment to you, while your father treats it all as if it is a joke. This must be isolating for you. And make you feel very unsupported.
Can you speak to a school counsellor who could provide you with support and suggestions that might help?
Your father is acting like a dis-interested bystander. Is he your biological father or
a step father? Surely he knows the volatilty of your Mom? He should be able to see through your Mom's manipulations.
If you were in a Court room your Mom might be labelled a 'hostile witness.' meaning that she is not acting as if she is on your side.
Inevitably, eventually you will leave home at some stage. But better if you start planning for that time now.
I would suggest you try to get a part-time job and bank as much of your earnings as you can. Only use what you have to for fares for transport. Do not buy your meals, make a sanwich and bring it to your part time job for your meal break. Do not spend money on going to clubs nor in alcohol. Remember your end goal and bank, bank and bank. When your account gets to 2000 pounds you can put it into an interest bearing term deposit in a Bank (choose those ones you have in England that are community owned and so do not charge big fees like Banks - I cannot recall what they are called in England)
And keep the details of your balance secret. Do not lend your Mom money - her behavior is already indicating no respect for you. Never loan money to anyone who treats you with disrespect.
Find out what government benefits the Government in your country will pay as an income to young people to young people in the United Kingdom who are studying, but who cannot live at home. Do not think of it as a lot of money, as it is not, and to live safely you will also need a part time job as well.
While you are still living at home do not boast about how much you are saving regularly from any part time job.
This will become your start up money for when you leave home. Save ten English pounds a week for 40 weeks is 400 pounds but you will need much more than that, so that you can safely leave home.
Especially if you are doing further studies and need to survive. so aim to save much more every week for up to two years. Live frugally before you leave home and life will not be so difficult once you start living independantly.
You sound intelligent and well motivated. So i do think you will survive this hiatus.
I am very sorry that your parents, particularly your mother, do not give you the support you deserve,
Regards,
Abella
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