A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi Ags I was diagnosed with herpes two years ago so I stayed single because I'm humiliated about it and didn't want to get rejected by men. Somehow along the way I've fallen in love with a man who's also in love with me. We've been going out for 5 months and he approached me 3 times for sex but I was able to escape it without it being to much of a concern for him. Last weekend he approached me the 4th time and I wasn't so lucky to easily wiggle my way out of it. He was aggressive and pounding on the questions. I got out of it by making it seem like he was being an asshole which gave me a good out to leave because he ended up dropping the topic and feeling like an asshole for upsetting. I knew I couldn't put him off any longer so I abruptly cut off all contact with him since then. He's been aggressively trying to make contact with me since then and I don't know what to do. It's been 8 days since I've spoken to him. Should I tell him that it's over or continue leaving him hanging so he'll forget about me altogether? This is tearing me up inside because if I didn't have herpes he's my special someone. I'm not going to get involved with another since it'll will end this way. He will never know that I'm in love with him. I'm making plans to move several states away so I won't be at risk of running into him and another woman. There's no way I can be aware of him and another woman. It would send me over the edge. If there's anyone who had to leave the one they love because they had a situation like mine, how did you clear the person out of you when you knew you and the person were meant to be but a disease or secret stopped made you walk away? Did you ever get over the guilt behind the heart break you caused the person. I'm hurting for me but I'm hurting for him more because I'm breaking his sweet loving heart. I don't want him to love another woman but how can I be selfish like this when I'm walking away from him. I'm severely depressed over my decision because he's my first love and I'm making him my last. Please get me through. Tx
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2011): First, I'd like to say I understand what you are going through as I have herpes as well. I didn't date for 4 years because I didn't want to face up to the rejection I believed would be inevitable. To make a long story short, I've been in a relationship with a woman who also has herpes for about a year now, and it's really not much of an issue. She never has had outbreaks, and I don't get them any more either after getting a prescription for meds.Many people who have the herpes virus never get outbreaks, so they don't even know they have it. It is very common in the adult population, however.It's difficult, but you really don't have anything to lose by telling him.I would like to correct something written by Abella:"You can only infect someone if you have an existing sore."Unfortunately, this is not true:"HSV-1 and HSV-2 can be found in and released from the sores that the viruses cause, but they also are released between outbreaks from skin that does not appear to have a sore. Generally, a person can only get HSV-2 infection during sexual contact with someone who has a genital HSV-2 infection. Transmission can occur from an infected partner who does not have a visible sore and may not know that he or she is infected."http://www.cdc.gov/std/herpes/stdfact-herpes.htmAlthough the odds of transmitting the virus are much lower if there is no sore, there is some chance it can occur. Thus, your partner will have to accept the fact that there is some chance he will become infected, even if you are careful to avoid contact during an outbreak.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2011): Wheeler's answer is first rate.
I shall tell you the other side. I am the same as you. I am 32 years old and in a loving relationship with my boyfriend of 8 months. I contracted herpes from my first boyfriend when I was 20 yrs old. My second boyfriend, I told about it in advance. When we broke up, he told some of our friends to be mean and get back at me. The boyfriends I had after this before being with my now partner, I never told them. This was wrong of me. I was hurt, angry and scared and I made the wrong choice.
I was single for 18 months before I met my other half and did a lot of growing up. I told him about my herpes on our fifth date. It was hard, really hard. Here was a guy I was having so much fun with, who I fancied HUUUGELY and who i wanted to get to know, and now I was about to tell him something that could quite possibly repel him.
Here are my tips. Tell your man. It will be hard but it will create a strong sense of trust and intimacy between the two of you. It will encourage you both to talk to one another about ANYTHING after that conversation! Arm yourself with facts about herpes. What do you really know about it? Tell him the facts about it - leave emotion out of it. Give him stats. Wheeler is right - 1 in 4 adults carry the herpes virus. Of those, 1 in 9 has genital herpes (or HSV Type 2). I printed off some leaflets from professional healthcare websites to leave with him to read. Tell him why you are telling him - he has the right to choice, a right you and I did not get.
We struggled with intimacy at the very beginning once my s/o had read the info, asked me some questions and taken time out to think about it. The first few times we had sex, it was good but it was sometimes on his mind so erections may go and sex would be a non-starter. I did not get upset, I let him take all the time he needed (which wasn't long!). I am lucky insofar as recurring attacks are not common and I tend to get them up my nose if anywhere!! But I tell him when I get those and I keep my distance.
I KNOW it is scary. I have been there and felt it. The dread of possibly losing something you really want to keep a hold of. But think of it like this, real love is not going to happen with anyone who cannot accept you for everything you are and you are so much more than a common condition. DOn;t let having herpes define you. If you man runs screaming when you tell him, he is not the one for you.
Good luck. Come back with an update!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2011): Abella and Anon123 both made excellent answers, you should listen carefully to what they say.
The only thing I'd like to add is this. If you're going to lose him by not telling him then what have you got to lose by telling him? Do you see what I'm getting at? There is no logic in not telling him because you think you'll lose him if he knows.
Just tell him he should understand why you acted the way you did. But honestly the way you acted is more likely to turn him off you than herpes is. You know having herpes is a nuisance not a deal breaker. It can be worked around and believe it or not most guys wouldn't care and some may even have it too. As the ladies before me said, you need to get informed on how best to protect him from getting it. It's your responsibility to ensure you don't pass it on but that doesn't mean you have to sacrifice your happiness and chance at a long term relationship because you have it.
You know there's every chance he too has it.
Tell him and even if this doesn't work out then don't be afraid of it in the future.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2011): Okay hun, you've put yourself to trial and sentenced yourself to a life void of love and companionship. Don't be so silly!!!
1/5 Americans has herpes. Do you think they all end up with partners who have herpes also? Heck NO!
If he loves you, he won't care. He'll educate himself about it and be with you safely. As long as you do not have sores, you are not transmitting the virus. With medications you can prevent break outs so you won't be infectious.
He loves you and he doesn't care. I promise you that.
I myself have Hepatitis B, not the virus but a dormant antigen. It means I've been exposed to Hepatitis B, but didn't fully clear the virus. I'm fine, don't need to be on medications or anything. I just have an increased risk for liver cancer and when I have babies they will have to be vacinated for Hep B at birth. I too did not have sex with my fiance for MONTHS. I finally told him and he did not care at all!! He loved me too much. He got himself checked, needed booster shots to keep his Hep B immunity in par and the rest is history!
We're human. We catch diseases. Every person out there is walking around with some type of medical condition: Heart disease, diabetes, STD's, Hepatitis, HIV, the flu ....you name it. People carry it. Its part of being human, we catch and acquire various acute and chronic diseases/infections. It doesn't mean we're not lovable and shouldn't be in relationships. It just means, get yourself educated, tell him about it, and learn how to stay safe....NOT a big deal.
Now stop being so hard on yourself. There is a man out there who truly loves you. He's waited months and months to have sex with you and he's still there! Obviously its not about the sex for him, otherwise he would have been long gone. He loves you for you and everything you come with. Sounds like he has an amazing character and strong will, this is the type of man you want to keep in your life.
So pick up the phone and call him. Apologize and go talk to him in person. He's a keeper!!!!
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A
male
reader, Wheeler  +, writes (21 February 2011):
 Having Herpes is not that big of a deal.I used to think it was so taboo, and because I grew up conservative concerning sex I just assumed I would never be involved with someone who did.But that is not the way life works.I ended up in love with someone that I had gotten to know well. And we waited a while to have sex. And she told me that she had herpes. Of course I did my best not to overreact, and told her I would think about it and talk to her about it later. So I did some reading up on it (a lot actually), and found out that both types are very common. In fact 1 in 4 people has one of the two main types of herpes.And I also spoke with a friend of mine who was a doctor. And he said it really isn't as big a deal as some may make it because a) it is so common and b) there are effective medications that can reduce the "outbreaks" to once a year or less.What is by far the most important is communication. We are all adults, especially if we are having sex. So, if you are not adult enough to talk about all of the possible issues that could come along with sex then you are just not ready for it.After looking into it I ended up talking to the girl the next day. She was very aware of whether there were ever times that were not okay to have sex, and they were very few and far between. We dated for over a year, and maybe couldn't have sex three times at the most. I never contracted it, and once it had been discussed it really didn't have any negative impact on our intimacy.Seems to me like you are just not comfortable with yourself, most of all. And this is keeping you from being "ready" to commit to someone and make yourself vulnerable.You remember what they say about imagining people with their clothes off when you are giving a speech, and how it will make you more comfortable? The reason is that makes you see everyone else as no better than you because we are all ultimately the same. Right now you still see everyone else as somehow better than you because you have this secret that you are embarrassed about. That you are not fit for a good person. But that is absolutely not true. And as soon as you realize that everyone else has problems, you will begin to feel whole again.My father and I are business partners, and our relationship has actually gotten better since we became business partners. One of the reasons is that before I asked my father to be my business partner I had been screwed over by a former partner (who had a gambling problem). I lost everything as a result. So when it came time to continue I wanted a business partner I could trust. Yeah, my dad and I have our differences, and they can be difficult to get through sometimes. BUT, I am saying all that to say this: Any partner will have flaws, and I can put up with a lot of them, but stealing or cheating is not one.That is, when it comes to deciding whether someone you love is worth investing your heart, what you are worried about is nothing in comparison to the real issues that are dealbreakers.And one more thing. Go ahead and try telling him. If he says no and moves on, at least you know you went forward the only way you knew you could and still be able to live with yourself. No reason to not try. If you just ignore him until he moves on, then he will be gone anyway. Why not try talking to him first. You may be surprised at how easy it goes.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (21 February 2011):
 You cant keep running away from your problems like this. Escaping from troubles only makes them worse. If this guy means so much to you and he loves you back the same way, he will stand by you. Also, its not right of you to avoid him like this and keep him wondering about where he's gone wrong and why you're being so weird about it. Its unfair to him, dont you think?
Tell him the truth. Honestly, it could happen to anybody. Go to a doctor together and discuss the problem. There is a solution to everything...and running away is not it. If he is a mature person, he will support you through this and be with you.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (21 February 2011):
 You can only infect someone if you have an existing sore. Talk to your Doctor. Read up any literature your Doctor suggests you read.
I do not know the statistics but it would appear that people with herpes do give birth to children without herpes. Can pursue a relationship and not infect their partner.
The problem is that you do not fully understand herpes and how it is transmitted. You have to touch the sore. Herpes does remain dormant within you forever.
But it does not mean you have to endure no relationship.
See your Doctor
and then see if you can re-establish the relationship. Yes tell him. If he understands herpes he will not reject you
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