A
female
age
51-59,
*ater_lilly
writes:I am married to a man who has children from previous relationship, his ex she has always trying to put the seeds for conflicts in our marriage, using her children as a tool. My husband he is a very kind father who wants everything good for his children. And he is the kind man that if it comes to a decision on choosing between me or his children, he wil choose his children. I dont say that he should choose me instead but i am trying to say he has never found the balance between me and his children and this ex. She has been poisoning her daughters mind against me, this finaly gave result, she decided to not come to us anymore, she is 15 and now 1 year has passed without she goming to our house or talk to me. I still dont wonder what happend, i sent her mail and invited her back in case she is shy about it but she never answered my email. My husband during this time she boycotted us, didt have much conmtact with her, only through sms or telefon. Since a year a go i felt mu husband starting to show less fellings to me and our marriage, this continued to summer 2010 i was always trying to find out what is going on. He didnt want to talk about it. Finaly one day in june 2010 he told me he can not get the toughts of divorce from his mind and he cried! i become so upset and started to find out why, he had only one answer: i have lost myself, i dont know who i am anymore. Since then i started to wonder if this behaviour of his is a reflection from the lack of contact with his daughter. He always denid! time passed he was somehow indifferent to me and our life together. He did things together with me but only when i was asking him, but i always could see that he is forcing himself to do this. I have been extreamly suspicious on him. I think theres is something going on, either there is another woman in the picture, or somehow he has started some kind of relationship with his ex. In october i traveled abroad for 10 days, he called me once or twice during this time. When i came back the house seemed like as if nobody has lived there for so many days, i got the feeling that he has not been home during these days i was away. There were dust on the dining table and the table infront of the couch. The dust was even not a singel finger print nothing. I asked him if he went somewhere he said no he has been home! but i still dont believe that. specailly that week was the week that children has fall vacation here in europe. And again i got the feeling that he is not telling me the truth. I think he has satablished a relationship with ex and maybe they went somewhere together while i was away. His ex used to send angry mails to him always complaining about something regarding to children and such a bad father he is. Buit since June 2010, he stoped getting these mails! A week a go we had a samll quarrel, and the day after he asked me to go to bedroom because he wanted to talk to me. And then he said that he is leaving me, he wants a divorce! to be honest somehow i was expecting this since he has been showing this attitude during this time, that he might decide for a divorce. But anyway i was heartbroken by hearing this, because i love him very much and i don want to loose him. During this week i havent been able to eat something that caused i lost almost 4 kilo! but i didnt cut my contact with him, he is staying at a friend of him, and we have been talking on the phone, he still says he loves me, but he needs to this. Somehow he decided to come home yesterday and we talked, and he said there are so many things he wants to talk to me about. Ok i was really that mood to listen and i did. The first thing he started with was the relationship with his ex whis somehow has gone wrong since we got married. And he was talking in a ways that as if this is such a important issue in his life. Then he talked about childrren that how much he loves them and he feels he has not been able to be the good father that his is for them. And he talked about these 2 issues for about one and half hour. And then he was finished he didnt have anything else to say, even if i asked him for more!yes there was somthing else he mentioned: our quarrels and how we do not understand eachother! but he main issue for him was the connection with his wife that he lost hand the issue of children. I have talked to him and told him about my feelings for him and if i have done mistakes i am totaly aware of now. And i wanted him to give me and the relationship a chance. He said needs to be away from me for sometime to sort out his feelings. He says by this i am giving our relationship a chance. But he want to find himself and by that i really dont know what he means he can not explain. I get the feeling he might want to find out if he wants to stay with me or with his ex. I dont know and i am very confused heart broken, i really want him to tell me if this is what is going on in his mind. I dont want to loose my husband to this crazy power syk woman. He is such a nice man and he deserve to be with me. :(
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female
reader, TEM  +, writes (4 March 2011):
 It sounds like your husband is torn between having a good relationship with his children and ex-wife and you. It doesn't sound like the ex-wife is making this any easier for him. It does not sound like there is another woman.Do you have family counseling available to you in your country? This is where everyone sits down with a therapist. That would be your husband, his children, his ex-wife and you. This is done in an effort to solve the problems and mend the hurt feelings that arise in situations such as your. In order to do this everyone must agree to be civil towards each other. I know you have problems with his ex-wife. His ex-wife has problems with him and the kids may have problems with everyone. Sometimes these things can be worked out amicably, but everyone has to compromise somewhat in order for that to happen. I do think that is the only way you are going to salvage this. Your husband appears very broken up about not being able to be the father he wants to be to his children. Recognize how important this is to him and help him resolve the problem. Everyone must put petty jealousies aside for this to work.
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