A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:This was my question in April 2009My husband has a job that is very boring and he is allowed to chat on his cell phone. A month ago he complained that I don't talk to him enough so he has to talk to "Rebecca". At the time, a month ago, we established the fact that he and Rebecca do chat, it's totally innocent, she's a friend and I thought they chat every now and then - maybe once every other week or two, so I came to terms with that.While looking through his call log, I found out yesterday that they spoke every day for the last week. They probably speak every day while he's at work. I know the big picture: I trust my husband. He's not a cheater. He comes straight home. Never goes out with the boys. He's a good husband. That said, it bothers me VERY much that he chats with this woman EVERY DAY. When I told him how much it bothered me, he said that he knew her before he even met me and basically, "tough". This is a deal breaker for me. It bothers me that they speak so much. I dare not look at the phone records - they probably speak for hours - who knows. My question is: I feel so strongly about this, that I might actually move out. I can't have a husband chatting with a single woman every day. If she was his friend, she should know that he's married now, and things have changed. She should not call as mucha and vice versa. My husband said that he's so bored at work - he has to talk to somebody and I'm sleeping so what is he supposed to do. I said, I don't know....WORK???He's making me feel like I shouldn't be so upset. But I am. I think its wrong. I don't talk with any man. Also, his other (male) friends that he also chats with at work also call him when he's at home. But she NEVER calls when he's at home. So if its so innocent and she's just a friend, why doesn't she call whenever, just like his other friends do? And why does he update me on what his male friends are doing but never what she's doing? Like its some big secret? The big picture: I know he's not cheating. But to me, he's being totally inappropriate. Am I overreacting? Or am I right?Now, here is the update 1 year 3 months later . . . Can someone tell me if I'm wrong?Here it is, over a year after I wrote that question, and he still talks to her and her married female friend every work day, 5 days a week, on average of 4 times a night, for about 20 minutes for 3 of the calls and over 2 hours for the 4th call. I haven't checked the phone logs since April of '09 because he promised me the phone calls would lessen. I happened to be paying the cell phone bill and for the heck of it checked the call logs and in this last 30 day cycle, he talked to both the single female friend and her married female friend for over 1800 minutes. I did the math - that's 30 hours in a month. I don't care if he's not cheating. I don't care if he comes straight home. I don't care how bored he is at work and he has to talk to someone. He talks to these people every night, 4 times a night, some calls are 1-3 hours. I'm leaving him. Can anyone comment? Am I right or wrong?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello all. . . thank you all for responding and here is the final outcome . . . WE ARE DIVORCED. We had a major blow-up every year of our 5-year marriage over his talking to other women on the phone for hours. The final straw was two straws, actually. #1 - In Nov 2011 we were really struggling financially but he needed new suits and gear for his new job so I cashed out two weeks of vacation and used some of my school loan money to buy him everything. . . came out to about $1400. I left work early to meet him at the mall and he was an hour late. Come to find out he was talking to that woman on the phone for 4 hours that day and that's why he was late . . . as I'm scrambling around scraping up every cent I could to buy him his stuff. . . he's talking to that woman. #2 - He came to my job two weeks later and threw a FIT right outside of my office because he didn't get his $600 "allowance" for the month that he blows on anything and everything (except me). I said, "But I can't afford to give you your $600 because I used most of it for the $1400 stuff you needed. He screamed and said he didn't care. I told him that night I wanted a divorce. One year and 2 months later my divorce was final. Ladies . . . if you're truly unhappy as I was and he won't change . . . it is OK to leave him . . . there is a better life out there for you.
A
female
reader, Cheeks +, writes (30 July 2010):
 I've been through this type of ordeal before & in my experience I always suspected it was about rebellion & disrespect & control. I was younger than my man & this woman he would talk to several times a day, dozens of times a week, hundreds of times per month. I got sick of counting. "I've known her a lot longer than you" & "You're not telling me who I can or can't talk to". Which, normally those wouldn't be unreasonable rules but, like with your story- he also never spoke to her around me. He kept anything pertaining to her or anything remotely dealing with her from me completely (he thought). But they weren't sleeping together so therefore I must just "a paranoid, insecure, jealous, control freak, little girl". Whatever, they were having a blast putting me into crisis everytime the phone rang. I don't know why I didn't leave sooner to be honest. And she was just some washed up, competitive old hag who found her lifes joy through stealing a mans attention away from his partner, (especially when his partner is half her age.) I don't know what they talked about specificly but if I ever happened to exchange words with her, she always thought she knew what was going on & had some stupid opinion about my business. I was basicly humiliating myself for a long time by engaging with these two idiots. I was young, Ithought he was worth fighting for. Yeah right. I hope he's long gone from your life by now...you don't need this kind of crap. They're probably related to eachother lol. goog luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2010): you should have left ages ago - perhaps when you first found out that he wouldn't stop. your hb is investing his time and resources in other woman at the expense of yourself and your marriage. your hubby is having an emotional affair and this woman is giving him something that you are not. what do they talk about? you will find that she will know all about you and your marriage. your hb will be discussing your sex life and your home situation. meaning: there is now 3 or perhaps 4 in your marriage. your hb has disrespected you too much already.
he is not bothered about you and your feelings. he is not bothered abpout the unhealthy state of your relationship. this woman/ these women have replaced you in his life . this is a relaity so the sooner you get out the better.
he will not change. boring job or not . he is making an excuse to have other women in his life. so please show him that you will not tolerate his blatant disrespect and his blatant cheating. whether he comes home on time, never giving you reason to suspect that he is cheating, the reality is that he is.
my sister in law thinks my brother is an angel. she thinks the sun sets with him. apparently my brother is the best hb and father around and that HE WILL NEVER even look at another woman. my SIL is sexy. she is thin BUT my brother has had a mistress for 8 years. Go figure.
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A
female
reader, prgirl71 +, writes (3 July 2010):
Um Yeah. You should leave. Something is definitely going on. If he's texting - email me and I can tell you how to hack into his text and read everything he says from your computer. It's not the way I would recommend you go but at least you could see what he's saying so you could feel more sure of your decision. Sorry you're going thru this. I've been there. Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 July 2010):
 You told him what you were willing to tolerate and he apparently isn't willing to conform to your wishes. You said a year ago that this was a 'deal-breaker.' You feel there's something off about this relationship and you don't think he's cheating, physically, but you clearly feel he's cheating emotionally. I might agree with you.
I guess the question is what have you done in the past year to get him to work on this? Any sign of couples counseling? Any desire to work it from his point of view?
You sound very very angry and it seems that there might be more to this desire to leave than this one woman. Have you explored that at all with him?
Bottom line is that you're the one who lives with him, you're the one who is going to live with the consequences of this decision. Are YOU ready? This is a big step. Have you worked through the potential scenarios and have some plans in place in the event that this is a permanent split?
I'd probably start with couples counseling, then consult an attorney, if this was my situation.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2010): Everyone here is going to have different opinions on this but you have to go with your heart. If I had gone through what you have I would also leave.He knows this upsets you and if he truly cared he would respect your wishes and minimise the time he spends chatting to women. To some people cheating only begins when a physical relationship starts but people emotionally cheat too, and I can completely understand you wanted to leave.Best of luck and take care
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A
female
reader, babylove13 +, writes (2 July 2010):
ok i am young and i am glad you posted this question cause i think i'll kno what to do but i will reply, here it is, if he wasn't willing too stop talking to them in the first place because he kno's it bothered you it was wrong. and for him to basically say it's tough then guess what she means more than you do, not to be harsh in any way you sound too good for him, he needs to understand you are tired and he shouldn't have to talk to someone because"you don't talk to him enough" you are his or was his wife his priority and just like if you were to be talking to another guy would he feel uncomfortable. and think about it if he would have asked you to stop talking to that guy you would have wouldnt you? to respect his wishes as your husband and to make sure he felt a man a respected one at that! you are making a brave and bold decision and i am with you 100%.. and for him to talk thirty hours a month!! that's too much for being in a committed marriage! even that he is talking to a married woman! it's worse to hold on to someone you have half way cause reality is you probably never had it at all. like they say. whatever doesn't kill you can only make you stronger..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2010): Why did you marry him? he said that he was doing this before you so did you know this before you married him? If I was in your shoes I would properly leave too! of course I give him an choice, me or her. If he chooses the woman over the phone then there is obviously some very strong feelings there and you are doing the right thing!
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A
female
reader, blah89  +, writes (2 July 2010):
Tell him to stop or your leaving him! If u still love him let him know it hurts you! And see what he says then do whatyou feel is right!
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