A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hope someone can help. Here goes: I am currently on a weight loss journey. Though I have already lost 20 lbs, I am still pretty obese. My husband told me that he loves me but doesn't want to have sex with me until I reach my goal weight. Ok, fine , whatever. That's hurtful but I masturbate regularly so it's not like I need him to orgasm. However, he equates sex with affection, so he has begun to beg me for sex. I remind him that HE is the one who chose this (he still gets frequent blow jobs). Now he's absolutely convinced I'm cheating because I'm not begging for sex. I am losing about 1-2 lbs a week but it's not fast enough for him. I am always up for cuddling but he is not.Help?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2014): Leave him. Trust me I had an ex whom said the exact same thing to me, he said I was unattractive because of my weight. So I lost all the weight, I actually became really slim amd healthy but then he started to point out other flaws like my boobs werent perky or my bum had disappeared or he didn't like the attention I was getting from other men.
these guys are assholes and u will NEVER be good enough for them you hear? They only feel good about themselves by belittling you, its a way of emotionally controlling you. They think if they knock ur confidence down then u will think no one else will want u and u will stay with them attending to their sexual needs.
Do yourself a favour, continue loosing the weight if its what YOU want, but leave the twat for someone who loves you for who you are. I left my ex and ive never been happier, ive met someone new who thinks im beautiful the way I am and my confidence is higher than its ever been. My ex is still alone because he picks out flaws with every potential woman, he cant find anyone "good enough" for him and he never will as hes a waste of space.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (2 March 2014):
 Seriously??? this is your marriage?
You stood at the alter and made vows?
It's LOVE, HONOUR and CHERISH!!...NOT...manipulate, ridicule and accuse!!!!!
I know a way you can lose a ton of weight overnight...dump his sorry butt out the door!!!!
What a DOUCHEBAG!!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2014): Apart from agreeing with the others that your husband sounds like a total asshole and woman hater, I would add that I think he feels threatened by your weight loss and is trying to control you/dominate you.
I don't know how or why you became obese in the first place, I'm not a psychologist and I know there can be a great many reasons. Generally I would imagine - but I'm obviously not stating as fact because I don't know - that you were unhappy on some level. With a husband like yours, I can imagine that any unhappiness you were experiencing could either be caused by him or made worse by him. I also know that when people gain a lot of weight it can sometimes be to gain a sense of control because they are hurting and/or can be for comfort? Do you think this applies to you? I wonder if on some deeper level that you have not been able to acknowledge, whether you were trying to protect yourself from him and re-dress the obvious unequal power relation in your marriage?
Now that you are losing the weight, he is becoming more obnoxious. But for someone to behave like this they would always have had some level of that behaviour in them already. He senses that you are becoming powerful and attractive by losing weight. He is bullying you because he feels very insecure underneath. But DON'T feel sorry for him because of that, don't try to understand and empathise with his awful behaviour.
He is making one set of rules for you and another for himself - he can receive sex from you and will pressure you, through begging, to give it to him. And he will withold sex from you to punish you for losing weight, even though he is saying he will reward you with sex when you do lose the weight. What a pathetic and obnoxious man. Why on earth are you with this person?
I think you need counselling to understand more about why you gained weight in the first place and how this is changing the power dynamics in your relationship now, otherwise this man will keep messing with your head and you will keep allowing him to do so because you won't see the bigger picture and the implications of his behaviour.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2014): Frankly, he sounds awful.
It is UNHEALTHY to lose more than 1-2 pounds/week.
He should be much more supportive and I don't understand the point he's trying to make.
HE tells YOU he won't have sex with you and then accuses YOU of cheating? What kind of world is he living in? I think he just wants the power, he wants you to beg him for sex but you're not, because like you said, you can take care of yourself.
In a marriage sex should be about intimacy and LOVE, not stupid mind games. I personally would ditch him and his passive aggressive tactics, as hard as it may be to do so. Lean on your friends and family and realize that you can do SO much better.
Or, at least insist on some couples counseling...
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (2 March 2014):
 Tell him you won't have sex with him until he gets a bigger penis. Question for you...Why are you with such a selfish, manipulative loser?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 March 2014):
 No more blow jobs.
And, I don't get it. He tells you no more sex, yet he's begging for sex?? Sex shouldn't be used as a manipulative tool. He has cut off his nose to spite his face.
I understand that gaining weight may make someone less physically attractive. However, he must think you're attractive if he's worried about you cheating, and there lies his Achilles' heel. He *does* find you attractive if he worries someone else does too.
My thoughts are that once you lose your weight (and congratulations by the way!), will he start trying to control you because now you'll, in his eyes, be much MORE attractive to others??
Do not give him any more blow jobs. None, not a single one. He is shallow and selfish to receive his own sexual gratification without reciprocation of any kind except a cold shoulder. Not even cuddling?? Sorry, but this reveals just what kind of person he is. Marriage is sickness and in health. What would happen if you became an amputee? Would he divorce you? What if you develop breast cancer (god forbid!) and had to undergo a mastectomy?
And what kind of body does he have??? Is he a male model? What about his hairline? How about his abs? I've noticed that most guys who are the most shallow tend to be pretty tubby people.
Health and wellness are always good things, but I say find a guy who would love you for you and not withhold affection of any kind from you while taking sexual gratification. Sorry, but that is disgusting.
Don't touch his penis anymore.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 March 2014):
 Sorry, this would be a TOTAL deal breaker for me.
He still gets BLOW JOB but you get nothing because he thinks you are too fat for him to get intimate with? Seriously?
I would sit him down and explain that you have NO intentions of begging for sex. You should HAVE to in a marriage.
1-2 lbs a week is a GOOD weight loss. And if that isn't fast enough for him? then I bet you can lose 200 lbs by packing his shit and telling him to get out.
He either doesn't trust you or he isn't happy that his attempt at manipulating you to magically lose whatever weight over night didn't work. And the fact that you aren't begging is making him mad.
He is a serious DOUCHE. He would get nothing but a swift kick in the rear if he was my husband.
Wow, just wow.
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