A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am such a mess, how am I going to get through this, I can't stop crying, I just want the pain to go away, how am I going to cope?Long story short, my husband cheated on me with my friend 3 months ago, he is in a relationship with her and living with her. We have an 11 month old little boy together. I can't stop crying, I can't get my head around why he would want to hurt me so badly and our son. He won't put our son first at all, only as him a couple of hours a week to take him for his tea and thats it. I have tried to get him to have him more as I could do with the break aswel to be honest but he just won't. He won't put our son first and I am pretty certain she influences him. Things are getting worse, He came to take him for his tea on Fri and our son screamed and didn't want to go with him, I calmed him down and put him in the car etc but he was not even gone an hour before he had him back home, I asked him if he wanted him again before next Fri but he said no, I feel that he isn't seeing enough of our son hence why he doesn't want to go with his dad. Our son as become so clingy with me, I don't get a minute, I am so tired, exhausted and I have really tried to get my husband to have him more but there isn't much more I can do. I have never stopped contact as I feel my sons relationship with his dad is important but I am worried that it will get to the point where he won't want to go with his dad and I would never force him so this is why I feel that my husband needs to build his relationship with our son now as I don't want it to get to that point. It's not like I can make him have supervised visits as I don't want to be spending time with him as I need to get over him, his entire family won't have anything to do with him so that isn't an option but if things continue to the point where my son doesn't want to go I am going to have to make it supervised visits until he proves himself and my son is comfortable with him again. I am just a mess, I just want to stop crying, I know I have to move on but its so hard, I just don't know what else I can do, I am so miserable :(
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male
reader, freeme  +, writes (8 June 2011):
 My heart is out to you. I know the pain seems unbearable. All I can say to you is hold on, it will get better. You may have already done this, but you need a support group. Try the churches in the area. They may have divorce groups that meet. You do need a lawyer, badly. Make sure you get a good one. Get advice from people at the Divorce group. As sanely as you can, you have to try to hold it together for your son. He is only 11 months old, and he desperately needs your love. I wouldn't force him on your soon to be ex-hubby. That is a DISASTER waiting to happen. It could take months or years, but he will realize the error of his ways.In the meantime, you need to get on with the cards in your hand. You are going to be on your own with your son. Make sure you have the financial resources you are going to need. (Hopefully a good lawyer won't bleed you dry making sure you get them.) 1. Get emotional support. Like, right now. Find a church in your area, and call tomorrow morning and ask about divorce groups. 2. Find a lawyer. We can't be what you need on this website. You need real people who can put their arms around you, and tell you you are not alone. They are out there.
A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (8 June 2011):
You are spending so much time worrying about your son, and your son's relationshp with his father, that you aren't spending enough time worrying about youself, and doing what you need to take care of yourself. You need a break, you need support, and your ex isn't helping. Stop worrying about him, let him choose the relationiship he wants to have with you and your son. Let him arrange it with you on your terms, not the other way round. You are the one carrying all the responsibility, let him do it when it suits you, not the other way around. If you need a break, tell him to take his son for a weekend so you can take a break, tell him you need him to take some of the responsibility, as you have a lot to deal with. You can't force him, but you can at least ask. Get family and friends to help out, people like to help those in need, and you sound like you could use the help. You will be surprised where help might come from. If you ex doesn't give you any help or support, let him keep up the relationship with your son but do it on your terms and spend your energy worrying about youself rather than him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2011): I absolutely agree you can not force him to be a father or a good one. It really is best to leave it at that or things could get much worse and he could even be mildy or severly abusive towards your son. I predict once you manage to let go of this situation you will indeed meet a good man that loves you and wants to be a Dad for your son.Doesn't that sound like something to look forward to :)she is not a friend but most likely wants a comfy life with your husband - just go to a free local lawyer and get custody arrangements and money and move on.Better to live in a quiet home with your boy than an upset one. It is very unlikely things will improve by making your son spend time with his father - give him lots of love.He is a bit young to know his Dad, obviously his father hasn't bonded with him at all - so just leave it at that and DO NOT take it personally as hard as that is - Don't let it in - concentrate on what a great little man your son is and how is going to have a very happy stable life with you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2011): Don't force your husband to be a father (or a husband). He clearly doesn't want either.
All you need from him at this point is financial support.
I'm sorry but I know you want your son to have the privilege of having a good father in his life, but your husband isn't that man to fulfill that role.
Move on with your life, and maybe in the future you will find another man who will treat you better AND be a father to your son.
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A
female
reader, Adorskable  +, writes (8 June 2011):
 You can't force him to be a father. When your child is older he will know that you were both mom and dad to him because his father was to busy running around making time for everything except him. It is hard right now because he is young ask family members if they can offer a helping hand, but don't force your son to be with his father or vice versa.
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