A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I found out that my husband was drunk and went to strip clubs about 3 times. He did this behind my back. When i found out i was devastated. I feel such hurt, betrayal, anger. I can't get the images out of my mind. I am nervous and anxious all the time. I don't even bring it up to him anymore, it just causes an argument. He thinks it is no big deal, so what he saw some naked women, he doesn.t want them. He said they are dish rag whores. He was out working on the road when this happened. He now works at home, because i don't trust him to be out on the road. As a woman this has hurt me deeply. I don't know how to move on and forgive or forget. i need help. This is causing me to feel anger, bitterness and resentmant towards him. I never in a million years thought that he would hurt me. He knew how i felt about this subject and he did it anyway. He never thought he.d get caught. Hw would come home on the weekends and act like everything was fine. He had no guilt . I almost left him because of this. He says that he is truly sorry for hurting me. he said that he would never intentiolly hurt me. He said it's not cheating. he had no physical contact with the women. I can't look at him in the same way anymore. What should i do. I want this out of my head. There is.nt a day that goes by that i dont think about this. i have to hide my feelings all the time. This is eating me up inside. Please someone help me.
View related questions:
drunk, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, ricki +, writes (14 January 2012):
Girl let me tell you I've been with my husband for 20 yrs and iam 46yrs old. My husband would sneak and go thro the years and this devistated me ate at me night and day. So anyway I just cought him again .the last time I told him I,d divorce him.But here he's at it again. So iam 46 yrs old like I said but I look in my young 30s and iam doing my own thing now.I have men checking me out all the time always have,but my heart belonged to him..not now I flirt and go out and exercise I look good and feel good. You can't change a man but you can change yourself. My husband is so worried about me not he doesn't wanna go out the door.Only difference in me and a stripper is I dont have to take my cloths off and be a whore for attention.have your own fun and think about you and your kids first.But in all this you sound like your man loves you and you gotta give him a chance at first if he continues to keep going then have your cake and eat it too!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010): Im not excusing his behaviour but your reaction seems pretty excessive. I think it's you that needs to do a lot of work on yourself to get over this, or it is certainly going to destroy your marriage.
I'm sure if you can develop trust back in your relationship, and build emotionally and sexually you can get past this. It sounds like your husband doesn't particularly care if he goes to a strip club or not. If you can have a better sexual relationship I am sure you fulfilling some of his sexual desires would totally solve the problem. Maybe you don't feel sexy enough but I'm sure he would totally love it mroe than anything else if you had some sexy outfits and be his own private stripper.
...............................
A
female
reader, banjopicker +, writes (10 September 2010):
point one!!! HE WAS DRUNK! Would he do this sober?
He didn't do this to hurt you. He was drunk!!! There lies the problem.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2010): OP, you need to relax a bit and get out of your own head. You are making this a far bigger problem than it needs to be.
First, consider the fact that is it unreasonable to think that your husband could never be attracted to another woman.
Second, consider that there are probably other men that you are attracted to. It's pretty much a given that you thing Brad Pitt or George Clooney, or someone else is hot.
Third, realize that a strip club is not a place to buy sex or sexual favours. It is in fact a place largely devoid of available women. Men go to be away from their SO's and have some beers with other men.
Fourth, whether or not you realize it, he probably indulges in porn. Approximately 100% of men do (I've never met one who doesn't, even Christians). No matter how much he loves you, he has a few fantasies he won't ask you to take part in because he respects you.
Fifth, given that porn is pretty much a given in our modern world, at BEST a strip club is a bit of porn. Personally I view it as a chance to get ideas for new things to ask my wife to try with me.
There is little downside if you don't have any control issues.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2010): My first thought on this is that Your Husband knew how you'd react & to avoid dealing with the issue, he lied by not telling you where he'd been.
Men in general, not all men mind you, think this is a perfectly acceptable right that they alone have as Men.
Have you ever wondered why men go to these places? I have, I used to get so jealous, I felt threatend like I wasn't good enough...and also wondered what he saw in those hypothetical "whores".
A friend of mine said: why don't you go to one yourself & see what all of the hoopla is about...
At first I was afraid to go anywhere near those places...how discusting...I wouldn't be caught dead in one...why it's shameful...
But my curiosity got the better of me & finally, I got my nerve up & asked my husband to take me to one...he was completely floored. At first he refused...so I asked him if he was ashamed of me...or maybe he just didn't want his "girl" to see he was married...well,
After something of a heated debate, he agreed to take me...so we went.
I made sure to dress up a bit, nothing fancy just jeans, boots (in case I had to defend myself) a nice top, makeup etc.
I told him to get me lots of $1 bills for "the girls" at first he looked shocked then he got this huge smile on his face...something akin to the lotto smile. And I thought this oughtta be fun.
So, we went, I sat front & center with him, shoving dollar bills into the girls panties...they actually pull the string on their panties away from their body so, you don't actually touch them, you just tuck the money over the panty string...and when I say string...I mean string haha...
anyway, my husband was so turned on by this that he could barely wait to get me home...
I insisted on talking to a few of the ladies...I'm really glad I did, a couple of them were there to make extra money to take care of their children because their deadbeat dad's didn't pay any child support...another was working there to put herself through college...and to my surprise not one of them liked being touched by the customers...in fact...the customers are not supposed to touch them at all.
This gave me a whole new perspective on this type of place.
I was no longer envious & realized that those ladies didn't want my man...life just dealt them a low blow so to speak with regards to money...and they were doing what they had to to get by.
As for my man, well, he just needed to get a way for a while to air his worries around a few other like minded men sip a few drinks & see something pretty that he can't have...knows he can't have & probably doesn't really want anyway, but just wants to see what he thinks he's been missing.
Funny, he hasn't been to one of those places for years and I don't care if he does go...
I feel empowered by having gone to see first hand what it was about...and it enhanced our sex life...he looked at me differently after that...I was no longer the "warden" I was his wife, his girl again, his friend...and he was my friend, not my "a**hole husband" but my husband who I now understand a little bit better.
Forgive him honey, then you can relax & enjoy the time you share together...and tell him if he wants to go again, he'll have to take you with him & he's gotta give you plenty of dollar bills for the girls...check out his face when you tell him that...hahaha.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (31 August 2010):
 I am in no way excusing his behavior but I believe if he truly loves you he would stop going there. Its not a trust issue. He needs to avoid doing things that would trigger your insecurity.
Going to strip clubs isn't cheating. He had no idea how
much that hurt you. The girls there aren't all whores. They are students trying to finance their education, single moms who need to pay bills, and women who had had body image issues and are trying to gain confidence back. It's soothing to look at beautiful women rather than demeaning. I have seen decent couples go there together, moms and daughters chilling together. The girls would not touch any customers unless they signal them to.
If your husband has a need to relieve stress, volunteer to do something to ease it, such as a massage and giving him a bath.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2010): I think that at some point in a mans life, they go to a strip club. At least he didnt go out and get some prostitute. I think you should believe him, if he knew how you felt about it thats probably why he hid it from you. Has he every done anything like this before? I was reading an article on this website some time ago and think that it will answer some questions, or make you feel better. Just click on the article section on this website, then scroll all the way down to the article titled "Why Men Visit Strip Clubs". I hope this helps you and wish you the best of luck!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2010): Maybe counseling is a good idea. Going to a strip club really is not a big deal for most people. They are not as sexy as you think. Pathetic is the term that comes to my mind. Maybe you would feel beter if you went to one to see what it's like? Most are completely hands off. I went with my wife and friends once. I think she found it more pathetic than threatening.
...............................
A
female
reader, Jesc +, writes (31 August 2010):
 You know I hate the stripper scene. Problems normally come from this. They say it's not cheating cause there is no "physical contact" with the other person. Just women and men see things differently. With guys it's a physical thing.(sex). With women it's emotional and physical. It's never understood.What you need to remember. Is even tho he went to the strip club. He came back to you. He is laying in bed with you. Not those girls. He didn't go there to hurt you. He didn't go there to cheat on you. He went there to escape. I know it makes no sense. I rather have my guy go fishing then going there. Yet, some guys really enjoy that environment. There was a guy I once knew. He was very handsome. Had an amazing and beautiful wife. One of those picture perfect family thing going on. Well, it turned out he loved to go to the strip clubs. I was shocked. His wife looked at me like "What? It's not a big deal" She told me that he enjoyed how the atmosphere is. That sometimes it's needed. It's not like he is making love to these girls.I personally. Can not stand the whole deal. I prefer a guy who does not cheat,go to strip clubs, or watch porn. It's just me. Sometimes I am shamed of how I am. But like I stated I am me. If you honestly feel like you can not over come this in any sense shape or form. You should leave him. I hate to say it but it is best. If you look at him in disgust, or hate him each day for it. Then your marriage and relationship will be torn away. If you feel like you can over come this then you need to face your fear of it. Bring it up to him and finish everything on that subject. It will help you.I hope for the best and I am sorry if I seemed rude.
...............................
|
