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female
age
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anonymous
writes: I have a very disturbing dilemma in my marriage.I feel,it might ruins it eventually. Hard to describe, but I try. My husbands family is giving me cold treatment. I mean,they dont swear at me or tell me what they think, but from all the comments, and the ways how they talk to me, its obvious, that they hate me. I know it s true, but because they dont say it , my husband thinks ,I'm just crazy,. He thinks ,I just imagine this. So, because they dont actually spell it out, I dont have a way to prove it to my husband. His mother used to say things to me, what he could never hear, so they are very consistent with that. But if you ask them, do you hate me ,they would say, no. But nothing any further. I heard it from others ,what they talk about me ,behind my back, and actually infecting the whole extended family. This is a family with a'' class''. Its easier to defend yourself with honest attack, but this way, you just suffer. What can I do with this? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2010): You are his family now! ... they are just his relatives.
So stay away from them before they break your marriage. Don´t expect love from them... at least not today.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (31 August 2010):
 You are welcome. I would encourage you to try some yoga and meditation, just to find that inner peace and tranquility that will help you rise above them and their pettiness. I have pretty good in-laws actually, I just have found that it's easier to disassociate from toxic people, rather than try to get them back on their own level. Such a waste of energy!
Good luck, report back how things go.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2010): , Tisha-!
I loved what you wrote. Thanks. I will definitely try that.Such a great advice! You seem to be familiar with this. Thanks
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (31 August 2010):
Practice false smiles, lots of patience and tape record your mother-in-law so he can hear exactly what she says.
More false smiles, distance and just plan your days so you are not part of their daily life. Remove yourself from the hurt and upset they cause. Practice detachment, look upon them as though they are some kind of special species. Witness yourself interacting with them, pretend you aren't really there, that you've sent in a duplicate of yourself who will manage the shoals.
If they say something hurtful, say brightly, "I didn't hear what you said, could you please repeat it?" Then when they do, say, "I'm afraid I don't quite understand, could you explain a little further what you meant?" Keep on asking questions that make them explain whatever it is they said. Have a bunch ready. "I do beg your pardon, what exactly do you mean? I don't understand." "I'm sorry, but I must be missing your point, could you please explain it to me?" All with a smile on your face and a slightly puzzled air. Make them say whatever it is over and over again until they realize that they are making themselves sound bad. The key is to keep your composure and vaguely puzzled but somewhat interested look at all times. Do not show any signs of distress or resentment or anger. Always puzzled and polite. Puzzled and polite.
"I'm so sorry, I won't be able to join you at this family gathering, alas. I do hope you have a lovely time."
"Alas, it is not possible for me to share this lovely event with you."
Don't explain, don't tell them anything. Just remove yourself from the family stuff.
Serene. Above it all. Looking at them like they are charming children. Practice smiling with just a curve of the lips. That little motion, go ahead, do it now, see how it instantly changes your mood and your focus. Small serene Buddha-like smile.
Detachment. You are compassionate and do care for them as human beings, but you do not get sucked into their problems. Nor do you share or explain any of your problems with them. You are in the same room, yet you are blissfully separate. Smile. Smile. You don't need to bare your teeth to smile, just that slight lift of the outer edges of your lips. Close your eyelids just a bit, not so much to look sleepy, just enough to blur the focus.
Wear glasses if you have them, another layer between you and them. Sunglasses would be better so they can't see your eyes. Keep your feet under you, balanced weight, don't slouch, hold your shoulder blades together and down your back, chin parallel to the floor, jaw relaxed. Keep your tongue off the roof of your mouth. Imagine a string tied to the top of your head. You are floating in their world, but are not a part of it. You are serene, calm, silent, pleasant.
Imagine the willow tree. The willow tree 'turns its back on inclement weather' as the song lyric goes. It may be battered and tossed around in a storm, yet it survives. It is strong in its flexibility and its ability to surrender to a storm without fighting it. That's how it gets through. You do the same. Willow them. Willow his family, and willow your husband when he is with them.
Only tell your husband good things about his family. "Sister Margret is such a beauty. Brother Tomas is very capable." Don't try to engage his help any more, he is not going to take sides, it seems. (A great pity, but there you are, you have to pick your battles.)
Rise above them. You are a willow tree, a cloud, a gentle spirit who will survive and who will not succumb to pettiness or fighting back. You will remove yourself from all but the most mandatory of family situations. You will smile your way through encounters with them, use as few words as possible and divert their negativity with puzzled and sincere questions about what they meant.
Good luck.
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