A
female
age
41-50,
*abesgomez
writes:I am married. In the every first year of our marriage I discovered a CD hidden by my husband. But on that porn were relations between men to men. I was so innocent about it.I talked to my husband and he asked, with tearful eyes, forgiveness and promises that he will not do it again.But after three years of our marriage he always had an excuse that he is tried when i want to have sex with him. I was wondering why he is cold on bed.Finally, i discovered evidence of masturbations and he watches porno movies. I did conforted him again but he super denied it. starting those days, i never confront him anymore, but still even now at the 11 years of our marriage , he does them. He thought that i dont know what he is doing. But i notice that he is watching gays.At the same tome our sex lives really decline. It hurts me so badly and my trust to him went down,our relationship decline. I am so confused, is my husband a gay? Can he watch always the men and men doing sex and still be hetrosexual and still prefer a woman ? Please advise me....
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reader, yum yum  +, writes (17 March 2013):
 I'm sure he's gay. I have no doubt about it. No Heterosexual watches gay porn on a regular basis unless they are in the closet.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2013): I didn't read the responses of the other aunts, I paid strict attention to your question. I am gay, and I will answer your question as best I can, based on the limited information provided.I'm no expert. He has been watching man on man porn? He may be "bi-sexual." He may be considered "gay-curious," at best. Meaning he may never act on his curiosity. You don't specify his age; so I will assume you are within the same age-group. You don't mention whether you both have children.You mention that your sex-life has diminished over time. That may be attributed to different things. Frequent or excessive masturbation, lack of interest in actual sex (with you or anyone else), lowered testosterone level, having an affair; or your sex-life has become too routine over time. That has to be discussed between you two. Sex can fizzle out in any marriage or relationship.Cultural pressures force many gay/bi-sexual= homosexual men into the closet. Their families, religion, culture, and society may pressure them into heterosexual marriage. Your husband may never have actually had sex with another man(nor intend to); so he vicariously satisfies his fantasies through porn. The more porn he watches the more habitual it becomes, regardless of the type. Straight or gay porn doesn't necessarily matter. In order to hide his secret desires, he may lie. Maybe even to himself. Most people fantasize on things they'll never do in reality. In total fairness, it isn't really that unusual for men to be curious of what it's like to have sex with another man. Most don't care to admit it, don't expect them to. Any variety of porn is a turn-on to a sex-addict. There is insufficient evidence to consider that to be the case either.Here's food for thought: Admitting he is gay, and being married to a woman, is very hard for a number of reasons. Considering the consequences. You will likely divorce him, his family may disown him, and his children (if you have any) will be upset. There is fear of the reaction of your community, should they find out. You may take his children from him, out of anger and resentment; and anyone would understand why. He'd be a fool if he thinks he could hide it indefinitely, if it's true.Dealing with hatred for being gay isn't easy to deal with. So many men hide, and unfairly marry women to satisfy societal demands to prove that they are heterosexual. They must be married by a certain age...or else? There is no justification for such deception, unless he lives in a country with a death-sentence! In any event, how you both work this out is between the two of you. Factually, no one on this site can tell you for certain if he is gay. Only your husband can answer that question. He may be conflicted. I'm offering no excuses in his defense. If he is, it didn't suddenly happen over-night.The probability is high that he may be sexually attracted to men, based solely on circumstantial evidence. Finding ONE gay DVD isn't substantial evidence of anything. He may have just picked it up out of nothing more than curiosity. If you find more "man on man" gay porn, the evidence is stacking against his denial. It is said that bisexuals may prefer either sex in varying degrees. He may be sexually attracted to women above men; or the other way around. There is no scientific evidence in support of this; it's all anecdotal, and based on surveys and/or theories. People may not be totally honest when questioned. Many homosexuals deny bisexuality exists. That can be debated forever. Placing labels loses the point. As I said, he may be conflicted and has made no self-determination. So he may not be able to admit it, one way or the other. Just tampering with the forbidden.How will you handle it, if he is?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2013): He probably is either gay or bisexual.You sound a lot like this friend of mine who was a little naive as well when she married her husband and decided to overlook his interest in gay sex. While they were dating, she uncovered some of his secrets which included visiting gay websites, including social networking sites with photos and what not. He apparently has also had a couple of gay sexual encounters that she was aware of which she attributed to some passing phase in his life. Deep in her hear, however, she has this nagging feeling that he's probably still doing it behind her back. One of her major complaints has always been his lack of interest in sex and difficulty reaching an orgasm; he was always struggling mentally during the act.Just like your husband, he is deeply contrite and emotional when he gets busted, but he keeps on dong it.Straight men don't watch gay porn
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (14 March 2013):
 Iamheretohelp made a very good point. Men come in all shapes, sizes, viewpoints and sexual persuasions. They are all real men. You cannot tell a man's sexual persuasion just by looking at how he looks nor his words.
But staying in a relationship for so many years and preferring porn and gay porn at that, instead of sexual relations with his wife suggests a porn addiction, more than anything else.
So a check with the Doctor is a good place to start getting some answer
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (14 March 2013):
 It's quite common for men who have watched porn a long time and got addicted to escalate to porn that does not match their sexual orientation (eg gay or transexual porn).
Here is some detailed information about this: http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/ask-us-iam-attracted-to-gay-transsexual
The ideal situation I feel is for him to stop with the porn. Which is very difficult, but will be good for both of you.
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