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female
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anonymous
writes:My husband doesn't want sex, he warned me when we first met he had a low sex drive but I really didn't think he actually meant non-existant! I am suprised I ever managed to concieve our child. I have tried everything sexy undies, romance, to the other end of the scale and each time he just doesn't respond. When we do have sex it is fantastic and absolutely mind-blowing! So its not that he can't if you get my drift. Last year we had sex 3 times in a year!! 3 times! The year before that it was twice....I mean come on I am in my thirties not my nineties.In every other way he is great and we are good friends. But I have needs and I am seriously looking at finding myself a "f*ckbuddy* just for the intimacy. But if he did this to me I would be gutted....Help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou everyone for your help.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2006): There is the possibility that your husband is Gay and hiding it. I would suggest a serous conversation with him and confront him with your feeling. Tell him what you feel like doing. There are lots of men with the opposite problem their wives are not interested and would be only to happy to make you feel well f****d. But be careful there is a lot of nasty things out in the world.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your help. If anyone has any more ideas I will be grateful to hear them. I have decided that an affair perhaps wouldn't be the best thing for me to do as I love my husband too much.....there are still some other options to try.
Thanks again all of you
big hugs
xxx
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male
reader, dream_lover +, writes (30 January 2006):
 I think he needs to think of your feels too.And get some help for his low sex drive there is ways to over come that but has got to want to get help.If he loves you and cares about your feeling he will get help.It's not you all the sexy undies and romance will not work unless he wants to make his sex life better.But I don't think finding a "f*ckbuddy* is what you truely want you may end the life you have doing that. good luck and hope your sex life gets better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2006): I am sorry this is happening in your marriage, hun. People do not change deeply ingrained patterns easily, even with the best of intentions. It takes a load of love and lots of support. I think if anything, you owe it to your child to get both yourselves into marriage/sex counselling, and if needed, he may require individual counseling. Look for a therapist who specializes in your problem, shares your concerns and respects your beliefs. I do respect your husband's openess about his libido, he was somewhat honest about this when he married you. Some men never bother saying anything! Although many men don't want to talk about having a low-zero libido, it will eventually create a lot of anxiety and heartbreak in the wife. Discrepancies in sexual desire can cause tremendous frustration. If not dealt with, this issue can destroy a marriage.
But before you go the therapist route, has he ever been to his family doctor to rule out physical causes? The list is endless on what could be causing this. Such as: low amounts of testosterone in the body, stress, unresolved conflicts, sexual orientation conflict or confusion, past sexual abuse, working long hours, alcohol consumption, cardiovascular disease, diabetes, depression, anemia, chronic pain, drugs and so on and so on. There are so many factors that may be coming into play here. Try that first, and then do the psychological route. His doctor will be able to offer guidance to him with this problem. I hope you aren't blaming yourself for his low libido. It has nothing to do with the way you are, you sound loving, caring and a very, very patient wife! Keep talking with him...but always do it in a non-threatening way about this and see if he'll get help. Hopefully he agrees to go. Because, when a husband refuses to get professional help or refuses to work on this dilemma with his wife, he is being irresponsible. Bottom line, he is saying that he is not interested in saving the marriage. It doesn't matter what his issues are. They are his issues. Don't own them. Give them back to him and make him do something about it becuase it's adversely affecting your marriage and bot of your happiness. I wish you luck dear and hang in there.
Hugs, Irish
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2006): Yup, I can vouch for the fact that they really can work! Don't be afraid to change therapist if you don't feel a connection though - it's your money. x
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your advice, although I feel like I ahve tried everything you suggest already, bar the sex-therapist lark.
Maybe thats the route to go?
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (26 January 2006):
 A fabulous answer below, explaining all that I would say.
I too admire you greatly, I really do. Your husband is such a lucky man but I would say a somewhat selfish one. Just because he doesn't wish for sex does not mean he cannot fulfil you and part of his role as your husband is to do that (attending to your needs as I'm sure you do for him such as taking care of him).
He needs to realise that he has a normal red blooded wife and see a sexual therapist. This situation would be okay if you never wanted sex but it isn't okay by any stretch of the imagination and he must know this. Make him aware of what you have said here. Let him know how upset this makes you feel-he has to know more of what is going on in your mind.
You say the sex is great when you do do it. I don't know if this is good or bad for you! It must make you want more when you can't have it and that's awful. Tell him how great you think sex is (I mean its obvious he enjoys it a lot too which suggests to me something psychological is going here) which you probably have already done but that you would love it for you to be more intimate.
Has this never caused an argument? I don't know how you've managed to be calm but do insist to him about seeing a sex therapist and do tell him (not as a threat) about your thoughts on having casual sex. Open up the communication channels and good luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2006): First of all - I feel for you. This must be incredibly frustrating for both of you and a real killer for your self esteem - I have a lot of admiration for you, that you've got so far. I'm sure you already know that he's lucky to have such a strong, loving wife who is persistant and loyal enough to keep trying.
The best suggestion I can think of is couples therapy, or sex therapy. He may not see the need to go personally, but hopefully should want try it for your sake, if you explain to him that you're not happy with the status quo. Explain things without accusing or reproaching him, just in clear, honest terms of how you feel - and then he hopefully won't go on the defensive.
As for the f**kbuddy. Well, perhaps as a last resort, if it turns out that your husband is physically incapable of changing. But I feel that you should definitely not do it without telling your husband. Explain to him that it will never be anything more than sex, and listen to his opinion. The moment that you go behind his back, however, you become unfaithful to your husband. I don't believe that, after all the love and effort you've poured into this relationship, you honestly want to throw it all away in one act of desperation.
very best wishes x
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