A
female
age
51-59,
*arka246
writes:Hi thereI would really appreciate people's perspective on my situation. I'm dealing with a lot of emotional pain having learnt that my husband of nearly 21 years has been seeing another woman.Admittedly our marriage was a struggle with poor communication and endless conflicts. I had emotionally shutdown from him, after repeated attempts to get him to talk about our problems met with negativity and at times downright hostility.Without making any effort to talk to me about our situation yet finding our marriage intolerable he started a relationship with a woman about 2 months ago.I developed suspicions that something was going on and eventually discovered through looking (guiltily) at his mobile phone that he was indeed seeing some one.To cut a very long story short, he claims he loves me deeply and never meant to hurt me (ahuh!) and was afraid that I would take the kids away if I found out.I would never do that.We have sat down together and poured our hearts out to each other with many tears,examinations of went wrong, why we did the things we did to each other, apologies and remorse. But at the end he has said that has gone too far down the track with this woman and doesn't want to end the relationship yet.However, he also says he doesn't want to leave the family home and be away from his kids. I think he was hoping that we could just continue as we had been, but I've said at the very least we must emotionally separate, sleep in separate beds etc and just be 'friends' while we co-parent the kids.I feel very confused as he says he not only wants to be with the kids but also with me, yet in one of the texts I read to his 'girlfriend' he says how much he misses her and he looks forward to the day when they can spend real time together.He still wants to be physical with me and have cuddles.I don't understand what is going on in his head, that he can appear to have two physical relationships at the same time and expect me to live with it.I wonder how he would react if the boot was on the other foot??How do I keep myself together in all this?I'm not sure I can live in the same house with him watching as he comes and goes to his girlfriends'. I want to cut myself emotionally from him but find it hard when he is around all the time.At the heart of this is the desire to keep things normal for the kids and for us to continue to live together as a family unit, without all the mess of splitting up.Thank you for reading all this, your comments would so much appreciated. I am in so much pain.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2010): Hi Gma
I feel for you very much as this is simply a horrible situation to be in, don't I know it!
One of the things you need to accept is that you are not to blame for what your husband is doing. He is a very confused and immature man, as my husband was. He wanted it both ways but eventually realised he couldn't have it, as things became so bad between us, there was no way we could continue living together.
My husband behaved just the same as yours, saying he still loved me and wanted to continue to be physically affectionate while still seeing the other woman.
To cut a long story, my husband came to his senses when I finally decided I would move out with the kids, after failing to convince him to move out. It has been a long and difficult journey, but we are both ready to try again for the sake of the children. But I am realistic enough to accept that if it doesn't work out then it's time to separate, no second chances.
One thing I've learnt through this process is that there is no one-size-fits-all solution. Hard though it is, only you can know what the right solution is for you. However, there comes a time when enough is enough, don't be walked all over by your husband, he can't have it both ways. I think that after a year you should be starting to prepare yourself for some tough decisions.
As long as you stick around, he will continue to take advantage of you.
As I found with my husband, he needs you to be decisive . Let him know that you won't tolerate his behaviour any longer and if he won't move out you will. Do you have family/close friends who can support you in this? If you have the financial means I would strongly suggest finding somewhere else to live, if only temporarily. You need to send a strong message to your husband that you will no longer be treated in this way, with such disrespect.
Can you see a lawyer/solicitor who could advise you about how you could get him to leave?
As I say, there is no easy answer. But you do need to ask yourself some tough questions and think about your own self preservation and emotional well being. He has no right to treat you this way, for how long can you put up with it, and what is this all doing to your child?
I hope that you can free yourself from this emotionally crippling situation, and I wish you courage to make the right decision to achieve that.
Best wishes,
Tarka246
A
female
reader, Gma  +, writes (30 January 2010):
Hi Tarka 246,
Your situation is very similar to mine. My husband, out of the blue (after 14 years of a good marriage and a 10 year old child)started having a secret affair with his married colleague. They managed to hide it for nearly an year during which i accidently discovered and confronted him but he kept denying it and lying to me. Of late however he has declared he loves her, but he wont tell her name or his future plans.We still live in the same house though I dont talk to him much, which he didnt like and said he loves us too! He wants me to accept the situation as it is or move out. I gave up my job 2 years back to take care of my family and now he does this to me! I am devastated. He tries to blame me for everything. I told him i would not move out as its his problem and he has to decide or be totally honest with me. I will not make things easy for him by moving out as i have a legal right to be here and i have to bring up my child. I was hoping if i wait for an year before deciding to break up he will come to his senses but as of now he keeps going through mood swings. Hes addicted to her and becomes frustrated and angry when he cant meet her if her husband is around. She has a kid too. Its a real mess. However hes still cares for me and my kid and even wants "cuddles" from me after he has been with her!(which is seriously psycho!) I do not have a relationship with him since he is being physical with her. Can anyone advise me what to do please? Thank you for listening.
Gma
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A
female
reader, Tarka246 +, writes (8 September 2009):
Tarka246 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry, I've been offline for a while, but just wanted to acknowledge all your replies and many thanks for your "tell it like it is" approach!
The struggle continues as I cannot get him to leave. We've been having counselling sessions to work through our issues and while I thought initially he was just confused I now know he isn't. He knows what wants but his blind to the fact that what he wants is not workable.
He is still very emotionally enmeshed with the other woman. Whilst he no longer has his "sleepovers" with her so that we can work on our "issues", he nevertheless sees her regularly, and I suspect the sexual relationship continues, although he swears it hasn't. I cannot be that naive, she was initially distraught that he was cooling things off, and now apparently all is OK so I think he's had to do some "reassuring'.
I appreciate thatgothegirl20's response about potential games. I think he is indeed playing them.
He wants us to be "friends" and continue living together and raising the kids together. He doles out the physical affection, I suspect to keep me interested.
He says what's happened has happened and we should behave like mature adults and sort this out (his way though!)
He gets very upset when I mention the 'separation' word and asks me, "so you want to ruin the kids' lives then?!!
Hmm, anyway, a tough battle ahead, and I know I have to disentangle myself from him but he is also emotionally unstable (he would threaten suicide in the past, before the affair, if things just got too confronting for him) so I have to tread carefully.
Thanks again for your caring thoughts.
Best wishes to you all
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2009): thanks for the update chrissy.
i am concerned by this:"I said that I needed some distance and see how things go, but he has said he will then continue to see the other woman" this shows that he continues to disrespect you. he will not give up on this other woman. she will be part of his life while you go through the emotions , trying to rebuild your life. if he indeed had any remorse and is truly truly sorry for his affair, he would cut all ties. basically he is telling you- "f*ck you, i will then do as i please" this behaviour is unhealthy and he will just continue" is he really worth it? people that have regret show it in their behaviour, their actions, their words. your hb has not. and i think he will not. he is not only weak, he is also very selfish and i think, controlling. he just expects you to give in.
time to relook at a lot of things here. more especially finances. do your homework, save and yes, hide that egg nest from him. i think you may need it sooner than you think. good luck and please be strong. be wise.
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A
female
reader, Tarka246 +, writes (28 July 2009):
Tarka246 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear EveryoneWow! I am overwhelmed by your responses, wasn't sure I'd get any!Thank you all so much for taking the time and effort to provide strong words of encouragement and advice! Straight down the line!My husband and I talked again this morning and he asked me if I thought we could repair and resurrect the marriage and if so then he would end his relationship. I should add that he's sworn black and blue he has never slept with this woman but how can I be sure?Although I mourn the loss of closeness and intimacy with him and would love nothing more than to have a loving and successful marriage with him, nevertheless, he has hurt me very badly and I know that we simply can't pick up from where we left off. The trust has gone. And there are many issues to sort out and in doing so may well do further damage to our relationship. Yet I do admit there is still love there, but I can't explain why!!I said that I needed some distance and see how things go, but he has said he will then continue to see the other woman. He didn't say this but presumably because if we don't get back together he doesn't want to be left out in the cold. Yes, he is very weak and has some real issues to deal with. The major problem in our marriage was lack of communication due to his inability to confront the reasons behind his behaviors and face the consequences. He couldn't face the prospect of losing the kids and being on his own and would sometimes threaten suicide to get me to back down, if I wanted to address certain issues in our relationship.While he has now been very open and honest about his feelings and filled with remorse about his past behavior, I feel he has only been able to do this because of the emotional lifeline provided by this other woman. He has a 'safe haven' to go to when things go wrong.I know I have been just as weak in allowing all this to happen, and I have my own issues to deal with. The only reason I've allowed him to stay is that I don't want to cause upheaval for the kids, not yet anyway.Maybe a completely flawed argument, but I guess when you are in a situation you do what you can to minimize pain, maybe I'm just being selfish too.Anyway, sorry to ramble on. This is a wonderful forum and I appreciate all your thoughts and comments.Best wishes to you allChrissy
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2009): PLEASE DO NOT ALLOW HIM TO ABUSE YOU ANY MORE THAN HE ALREADY HAS. is he serious. he wants to stay married, yet he wants to continue f*cking his mistress and he wants you to agree to this? enough is enough. please do not stand for this marital abuse anymore. you deserve better than this situation. your hb has no respect for you or your home. tell him to hit the road. you have had enough. please keep your dignity and self respect. do not allow him to do this to you. if you agree to his terms he will treat you to more sh1t. please listen t the other aunts here. this "man" needs to go. NOW.marriage is only for 2 people, not 3.
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A
male
reader, jj.  +, writes (27 July 2009):
first you need some counseling ...regarding being codependent and also some self esteem issues..are a miss..let this joker go if your value your kids..it doesnt sound like counseling will do for him..he wants his cake and to eat it too...kick him to the road..let him cry outside and feel your rath and then maybe he may get some help ...if not so what ..the longer you allow him in the house the next thing you know one day your gone and he will bring her over and do it in your bed ..or he will find away to get those kids from you..it does happen..get your counseling moving and kick him out and start the divorce proceedings.you can do it ..if you dont soon ..hes going to make you pay and you need to shut him down and let him go..i know this its time to let go and let God..it does work..take if from me ...i went thru this and i let go and guess what ..she is out of my life and i am doing great today..now its your turn..you can do it..go girl..Gods with you..
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A
female
reader, Lightningrod +, writes (27 July 2009):
He wants to have his cake and eat it too. NO cuddles. Tell him to move next door.
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A
female
reader, elizzy +, writes (27 July 2009):
I agree with satindesire. It's not right. My husband's father did the exact same thing to his family and carried on his flings for years. Things got so bad in his family that pretty much his parents stayed together for the kids and when he turned 18 they divorced. My husband says that his homelife when he was a kid soured quick because of what was going on. His dad even took the family to the other woman's house during a hurricane and then paid his wife to take my husband to lunch and leave him and the other woman alone. Don't think that your kids won't see what is going on. Their parents sleeping in different rooms and beds.My husband knew from an early age that things were messed up and he still deals till this day. After their split, his mom took advantage of him and he now doesn't speak to either of his parents and it stems from years of what was going on when his parents were leading different lives with 2 kids under the roof. Take my advice, if you are willing to stay with him if he ends the other relationship, tell him he can't have it both ways and to choose. The only reason he doesn't want to end the relationship yet is because he is getting something he wants. And you are still letting it go on. So he figures he can have both. You need to stand up for not only yourself but your kids and tell him it is up to him to choose what is more important his family or his fling. You can not let him have this side fling and sleep under the same roof just in a different bed, that is not fair to you and confuses your children. He is being selfish and it sounds like you are at a crossroads where you don't want to be selfish for telling him to choose. But, honey, you have the right to be selfish, this is YOUR husband. You're trying to keep your family together. Well hope this helps you and feel free to ask anymore questions and post an update!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2009): You deserve better! Him staying in the house doesn't benefit anyone, but himself. My husband actually just moved out today, he wasn't having an affair, but he wasn't committed to our marriage. He thought his life is passing him by, he wants to be free to do things with his friends and not be asked to help with the kids or chores around the house. He was miserable to be around because he blames me for "ruining" his life. At first I was hurt, but I decided to do the "I couldn't care less" act and it works wonders for both of us. I am actually not an emotional basketcase and I am focusing on the kids - who are handling it great. He is bothered by the fact that we aren't sitting here crying our eyes out and begging him to come back. The stronger you think you are, the stronger you will be.
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A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (27 July 2009):
 I agree with satin. Seems like he wants both of you. He needs to make up his mind. The only problem with her suggest though, was that he might fake choosing you to stay where he is at now. Be watchful of potential games.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2009): Sounds like a train wreck. No one was meant To be alone and we all seek the comfortable spot. He found his with another woman. I have sadly been in live with 2 men at one time and it is living hell. Dust youself off, take inventory of your life and find your own comfortable spot. You cannot control the actions of another but you can control your reaction to them.
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