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female
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anonymous
writes:After being separated from my husband for nearly 5 years, I filled out divorce papers and gave them to him. He was a mess and refused to sign the papers. Now he says he wants to meet somewhere and "talk" and says I "owe it to him" to talk about this thing before I do it. However we have been to counseling way earlier, we've talked and talked and talked and I don't know what else we can say that hasn't already been said. He thinks he's going to change my mind and I think I've given him plenty of time to adjust to life without me and build friendships and relationships without me. So should I give him the chance to say what's on his mind and have "closure" before I have him served officially and file for divorce? I just don't want it to be a big teary discussion that leaves me feeling crappy and prolongs the inevitable next step. It's taken me a really long time to muster up the courage to come this far and I don't want to fall into another stupor that takes me 2 more years to climb out of. Should I meet with him or tell him no? Don't think he'll be violent, but I will pick a cafe or somewhere public to talk. Do worry that if I don't give in, he'll commit suicide and I'll always feel responsible. What should I do???
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2010): I agree with caring guy, 5 years is long enough and I think he is trying to stall you.
I am also worried when you say you don't think he will be violent, that sounds to me like he has been in the past, if do decide to meet make sure your careful, even maybe take someone with you that sits at a different table, just be sure that you are safe
File the papers and get your divorce.
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female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (10 January 2010):
Wow. I have been in the exact same position. After 3 years separation he just couldn't move on. My advice is go ahead and meet him in a quiet coffee shop or something. But before hand, warn him that there is nothing he can do to make you change your mind. Make it clear to him that there is no hope. Tell him that if the meeting is about reconciling or giving it one more try then you are not prepared to listen. Avoid saying 'I wish things hadn't turned out this way' because that statement gives hope, believe it or not. Just tell him you will meet for the last time if he is going to be civil and won't discuss getting back together. Also say that you can only meet for a certain amount of time, eg. 30mins to avoid it turning into an all nighter. When you meet tell him that you have a meeting afterwards in order to have an escape when you want to leave.
During the meeting, hear him out and don't argue point for point any accusations or outrageous statements he may make. He will be doing it to elicit a reaction from you so you have to be very detached and businesslike. Any crazy things he says just shake your head and let him go on. Then at the end just tell him that you have heard him and you have nothing to say that you have not already covered. A divorce is possibly one of the worst things to ever endure so I hope you are coping well and looking after yourself as best you can. All the best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2010): You owe him nothing, except to be civil - that does NOT include meeting him. My advice is to sign the papers in person, and send them to his attorney. You can write him a short note expressing your wish that things had worked out originally, but tell him that you've moved on years ago, and hope that he can too (or something to that effect...).
His right to make demands on you ended 5 years ago...
If he's not killed himself by now, it's not likely going to happen, but if he did it's 100% on him and zero % on you.
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (9 January 2010):
First of all, don't be blackmailed emotionally. You've been separated for 5 years, and that's enough. You don't 'owe' him a thing after this amount of time. And don't be blackmailed by the suicide thing either. Even if he did do it, it would not be your fault at all. To be honest, I think all this needs to end, and you should end it now. To meet with him might cause you more pain, and that's probably what he's planning. that's not fair at all. He leads his own life now, he must do as he wishes. You live yours. Don't feel guilty for anything he does. Serve him the papers, move on.
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