A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm a 34-year-old businesswoman, my husband's 36, and our son's 11 years old and in High school.Last night me and my husband were talking about ideas for making our sex life hotter and having a romantic week together as we haven't had one for so long. All the usual things were discussed - sexy lingerie, dressing up, romantic meals etc.However my husband's suggestion regarding our sex life shocked me - he admitted abusive language turns him on, and really, really abusive language. He said in an old job at a call centre (a long time ago, way before he met me!) he used to be turned on by the abusive language some callers gave.He said he'd never be abusive himself, he just couldn't be that way, but finds it a turn-on whoever's using the abusive language and has admitted to masturbating during TV dramas (e.g. gangster ones) that feature it.I said to him that this was a weird fetish, but he insists if we have a romantic weekend, then I should at least be abusive and use abusive language to him, and do so in public.We have a 11-year-old son who's started high school - and my mum's agreed to look after him whilst we have a romantic week together. My mum loves being with my son, so she was happy to do this.He's insistent that he'll do whatever I want, as long as I'm abusive towards him. I said no, but he insists it's a huge turn-on for him.Whatever can I do?Lauren
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male
reader, fuglyone  +, writes (21 April 2009):
 There are books on abusive language that you can get at your local bookshop.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2009): you could try whispering it to him in public. But if you don't like doing it don't.
I presume he just has light masochistic tendencies - is it just the words or degradation that he likes?
really if you don't like doing it tell him. But its also how you feel saying the words. If you don't like it because you are abusing someone then don't.
Star.x.
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A
male
reader, Tomas +, writes (7 March 2009):
His insistence is troubling to me; part of any romantic roleplaying is trust, and someone who is bullying (or nearly so) makes it harder to understand which is the real part and which is the play.
I felt that needed to be said, and perhaps you need to call him on that. Especially as he says that he couldn't be abusive himself while sounding kinda passive aggressive about it.
As to giving it a try, that wasn't my first reaction (I reacted against the disregard for your feeling). But that doesn't mean you can't try something new. I wonder though if you two have done other role play. He tells you who you are, you tell him who he is. Something that establishes for both of you that things you say or do can be for fun and not reflect what you actually feel for each other. If you are used to talking to him as please Mr. Officer, or Dr. Feelgood, or Your Honor, or whatever you like, then you develop a chemistry together, a tone of voice and way of looking each other in the eye. A way of keeping connection.
I expect that in order for you to enjoy a game like his, you need to still feel a loving connection to him, and you don't have any experience doing so in role play.
I'm wary about the big "romantic weekend"; it sounds like a lot of pressure to hit a sexual home run. And I don't have advice how to get to the comfort level he wants so quickly.
Maybe you tell him it makes you uncomfortable, because harsh language sounds unloving, and being pushed for it feels unloving, and for you feeling unloved turns you off completely. That, if it is just a game, and you find a way of feeling it is a game, then maybe you could play along, but for it to be a game you both need to be on the same side, the pressure needs to be off, and you need to find baby steps to get there, with loving reinforcement.
Squeeze his hand under the table while asking him sarcastically, "would it be too much to ask for you to get me a drink?". Or do some role play in private in the bedroom (via cell phones?) and take out some frustration on whatever bureaucracy (your bank, the cable company) most recently annoyed you, and insist on getting some proper customer satisfaction.
I don't know, this isn't really something my partner and I do. But we have joking ways of taking the mick out of each other, and the key is we both know it is a joke, and if we used it in a public or sexual context, that knowledge would keep it from feeling too serious or dangerous.
Thing is, I think it is good to share fantasies, and good to try things, but bad to feel entitled to them or to get pushy about them. Start small, and see if the two of you can find ways to have fun with it together. Keep an open mind, but don't get pushed around.
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A
male
reader, Helpful_In_Ohio +, writes (7 March 2009):
 Why not do what turns your husband on ? I mean I know its feels weird and a lil out of the ordinary. Think of it like this if you wanted something so bad that turned you on so bad would your husband do it for you ? If the answer is yes then try it and see what can happen maybe you might like the end result of this role playing game with him.
The bottom line is he likes it and well he is not asking you to do it all the time 24 hrs a day 7 days a week he is asking for it on a time where you and him are trying to connect again. So i say give it a go for a lil while and if its not working for you sit down and tell him its very uncomfortable for you. if he loves you and you love him he will not make you do it anymore.
Good luck I hope this helps.
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A
male
reader, ArmyMedic +, writes (7 March 2009):
 Try it and see? Some guys do like that kind of stuff.
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