A
female
age
41-50,
*ornshellz
writes:hereee it goes again, my husband andd i have been arguing and i feel powerless. i cant get him to understan how i feel. he expects me to be silent aboutt my feeling, and endure whatever mistreatment he inflicts with no hard feelings while works on refraining from alcohol use. yet in the past 3 weeks he's consumed a bottle of whiskey in 2 nights, followed by vodkathe next day, took enough codine to get high (3 pills), and smoked weed twice. oh and bought more porn. how do i get through this. itss hard to love him and be attractedd to him when i feel like heee doesnt care. i am overwhelmed with saddness anddd it's consuming me. i can't be happy or get through to him. help.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 November 2009):
 You're welcome, I'm sorry the meeting was a bust for you. It was a helpful experience for me. I hope the online chat room works out for you!
Take care.
A
female
reader, tornshellz +, writes (7 November 2009):
tornshellz is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni went to a meeting tonight, it wasn't great the only people there were the meeting instructor and myself. there were some good points, but mostly i got to hear how all the druggies and alcoholics he bumped into died, including his wife. very depressing. but it inspired me to look elswhere and i found a chat room specifically for this that seems inviting www.12stepforums.net. Thank you for your help
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 November 2009):
You know how they say an alcoholic will finally ask for help when he hits rock bottom? You will finally reach for help when you hit your own rock bottom.
I wish you well.
xxx
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A
female
reader, tornshellz +, writes (6 November 2009):
tornshellz is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni"m still torn, because he isn't drinking like he used to. he used to consume at least a half liter of whiskey daily. he doesn't drink nearly as much, so he has made progress. but when he does drink he's mean an has a bad attitude over everything with me. i hate him when he's been drinking. now when he drinks it's usually a pint or a half pint of vodka (consumed in about an hour or two) and it's only about once a week or every other week. that's a huge change from daily drinking. before we got married he hadn't smoked weed for 6 months, he had just started hydrocodone for his knee problem, but he wasn't abusing it. so how much should i let slide, i wonder if it's right that i ask him to stop drinking all together because of the way he treats me and because he is by all means an alcoholic. and the drug abuse i think it is just another way to get drunk, and it's getting drunk that is the issue. if he didn't act the way he does and if he didn't make my life as miserable as he did when he drank so much, it wouldn't be such a problem. I'm so damn confused, i can't seem to find clarity. and i hate what this has done to me and how it's sucked the life out of me. there is a meeting tonight at 8 pm. i do love this man, he has so many wonderful qualities. but this obsession with getting high and his blatant disregard for my feelings (see my previous question) makes it very difficult to see the good in him first.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 November 2009):
It sounds like it is truly heartbreaking and frustrating for you. There's no way to fix this without his willingness to get professional help, I think. Until he does, you are stuck in the rollercoaster.
The reason I think you should go to Al-Anon is because they talk about what YOU can do to keep yourself safe and as sane as possible.
Look, I lost a very close friend of mine to alcohol. She had this disease and could not, would not seek help or accept it. She was literally driven to the front door of a rehab facility and refused to get out. She could not stop drinking. She was a bright, funny, intelligent, beautiful woman with this demon that would not let her go. I miss her every day.
She was not a mean drunk, she didn't have children, but her husband is still not the same ever since she died. You do not want to be in his shoes. You want to have taken what control of your life you have back upon yourself. You are living in this world of fear and isolation and until you get yourself out of this state, you will not make any progress.
I'm sorry, there is nothing I can tell you that will fix him. The only thing I can tell you is that you have control of your own life and your own behavior and you need to go find that support right now, tonight, by finding an Al-Anon meeting. I went, when my friend was alive, to see if there was some magic way I could fix her. I wrote letters to her, I talked to her, I threw her out of my wedding party (tough love) because she hadn't sought professional help. Her husband was planning to retire and to move to a new town with her so that he could be with her 24/7. That didn't save her. She drank herself to death.
CALL AL-ANON!!! GET THE SUPPORT YOU NEED FROM PEOPLE WHO KNOW WHERE YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU'RE FACING AND WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO TO GET TO A BETTER PLACE!!!!!
Sorry for shouting but I get a sense from your reply that you are stuck and you need a kick in the patootie to get going. Your children are counting on you. What kind of future will they have if you don't take action now? Perhaps one of them will wind up an alcoholic? You don't want that. Get that help NOW!!!!
Please write me back and tell me that you've called and found a meeting. Then go and report back. I promise, they won't bite. I promise, it is a supportive and genuinely life-changing experience for the better.
Good luck, and take care of yourself. You've got to, for the children!
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A
female
reader, tornshellz +, writes (6 November 2009):
tornshellz is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthe situation is heart breaking because it's like a roller coaster. he tells me he wants to stop drinking, for us, but then after a few days sober he finds another way to get high and expects me to be ok with this. If i get upset, he threatens to drink, or to lie about it. then once the situation has calmed down,he's promising me the world. i cant take this anymore, i need him to understand that this is a bad example for our kids. even if he is playing with them and having fun, he shouldn't be high or anything around them. i am the target of his anger when drunk because i am the one asking him to stop. am i supposed to take my children away from him when he's high or drunk too? he is not mild mannered and he'll argue tooth and nail for what he believes or wants at the moment.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2009): Sorry to burst your bubble hun, but this does not sound like someone who is working on getting sober. Is he going to any 12 step meeting? Does he work with a therapist? Has he so much as picked up a book on sobriety?He doesn't want you to talk to him about it becuase he is not ready to quit. This man also has multiple addictions/cross addiction. His problems will only get worse as he ages.You seriously need to go to Alon meetings to gain some understanding of why you stay with him. A future with him is not bright! Learn to take care of yourself and allow him to self-destruct.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 November 2009):
Have you gone to an Al-Anon meeting? I think you need the support and there are people there who have "been there/done that" with what you are facing right now. That would be my recommendation.Alcoholics who do not want to get help--you can't fix that for them. Don't even try, you will make yourself crazy. The only one whose behavior you can control is your own.Here's the website to help you find local meetings. I highly recommend you attend for your own sanity.http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/english.htmlGood luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2009): I was in a similar situation recently and can offer some support. Addicts won't stop using until they are sincerely ready and want to stop. Yes, this is infuriating to those who love them, but there are some things you can do to take care of yourself in this situation. Join a support group so you can connect with people who understand - there's an infinite amount of help available on the internet if your not keen on the idea of meeting in public. It's important for your own sanity not to isolate yourself with his addictive behavior. Another thing that helps is absolutely refusing to interact with him while he's using. Telling him that he's ruining his life while he's high as a kite is pointless and in a sick way encourages the addict. When he's drunk or high go to a friends, take a walk, even turn on a movie and tune him out. Not only will you protect yourself from the insanity, but it will also teach him that you'll only take him seriously when he's sober. Don't take his addiction personally - no matter what he says he isn't using because of you! Take care of yourself and be strong so when he finally does "wake up" you'll have the energy and love to support him in recovery.
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