A
female
age
51-59,
*ligrl4life
writes:Married 23yrs and have 2 children 20,21 husband got in shape and gain self confidence he looks real hot, now came to me on Monday and said he wants a divorce.I had said i wanted a divorce last yr to him because I wanted him to wake up, on our 22 anniversary he went and scheduled a tattoo which took 7 hrs to do. That hurt me so much that he did not spend time with me on our anniversary so i lashed back at him not speaking with him and threatening a divorce. Not that I wanted a divorce, I did it hoping he would wake up...He purchased a book suggested by a co worker on the 5 love languages. He asked me to fill out a questionnaire to find out about me. I did and he came to me and said he was surprised by some of my responses. This year went well, I felt he loved and cared for me. I started to initiate sex because i felt close with him but he was not as interested in it as me for the first time.I got a great book the seven principles for a happy marriage and started reading it immediately thinking it was not too late and the relationship can be saved. I have opened up and talked to him why i am the way i am.He then responded that he was not sure if he even loved me when we got married just went thru the motions. Said only reason we stayed together was for the kids and that last yr it was his last ditch attempt because my son was having issues and in therapy and he was too fragile for us to break up. When he went on a trip with his club a woman invited him to her apt. and he would never cheat on me that is not the type of guy he was, but he has this emptiness and has for a very long time and wants to go out and exp. life, talk to woman.we started dating when we were 16 and were each other's first. i told him it is a mid life crisis and he said no. that it is the first time he is thinking of himself talking care of himself. he needs to live.i have so many feelings right now, shocked, lost, emptiness. How can let him go, he is 47 and can retire, i was looking forward to spending time with him, but he said that our last vacation the best time he had was when we were with OTHERS on a dinner cruise. He felt more intimate with the masseuse than me.How does one handle this?
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anniversary, co-worker, confidence, divorce, tattoo Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2011): Sorry you are going through this. Give yourself time to grieve, but then work on yourself. He's obviously moved on and has thought a lot about this. This is the time to be strong and work on yourself--get in shape too, gain self-confidence, and be the "hot" mama. This is not only sweet revenge but the best thing you can do for yourself!
A
male
reader, ironman777  +, writes (7 August 2011):
I've been where your husband is also, after 14 years of being with someone. Dont make the mistake of thinking that he hasnt agonised over this as well. He's obviously been thinking long and hard about things. To change is mind now would be very hard. My advice would be to make this next stage as painless as possible for you both and for the kids.
Give him space. In six to twelve months he may come to regret throwing everything away as he's done and there are examples of people getting back together at that point - with counselling also.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (7 August 2011):
 Please accept my sympathy for what you are going through.
It sounded like a game of chicken to me. Let's face it, last year you threatened divorce and you were able to recover. Perhaps that put the idea in his head, "Gee I wonder what life would be like without her and could I do it?"
I do think this sounds like a mid-life crisis of sorts. He is in his 40's and probably feels he is in a rut, both sexually and socially and needs to change it up. I suspect there is a LOT more going on than what you describe in your letter and there's significant history and resentment that has built up through the years.
I doubt that he didn't at some point love you. My guess is that it is his rationalization to himself (and to you) that this relationship isn't worth saving despite its long history.
At this point, I think you need to see if this marriage is salvageable and whether its worth fighting for -- let's face it at this point you have a huge, up hill battle. Also, I think you need to figure out, with certainty, how committed your husband is with actually pursuing a divorce (does he have a lawyer? Has he moved out?)
Finally, if you haven't done so already, you may want to reach out to a therapist or a trusted friend, so that you can find emotional support for what you are going through. I think that would help your stability and also help out the kids during this potential life-transition.
Best wishes
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (7 August 2011):
 It sounds like this is something he has been thinking about for a long time. IE: his wishes are well thought out and he didn't want to hurt you unless he was sure. Now he's sure.
He love you but he is NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU. The mid-life crisis is about getting close to the finish line and being satisfied that you gave it your all.
For him, the future is without you. I've been where your husband is so I understand that. For you, this doesn't seem fair. You felt that the marriage wasn't working from time to time or you wouldn't have been unsettled enough to be reading books on better marriages. For you, the answer was to work on it. For him, the answer was to leave it and start over.
How do you get through this? One day at a time. Get yourself in shape, get financially settled and when you're ready get out there yourself and find someone who wants what you do in life. I am betting that you'll find years down the road that you are much happier. You don't want to be in a loveless, one sided marriage.
However, I will say that being single isn't all bad either and it's NOT the end of the world.
Good luck to you.
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