A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:After expressing my needs wants and desires to my boyfriend he said he wanted the same things and we made a plan to move forward...Its been over 6 moths and still no forward movement in our relationship.We made a timeline and told him that if those things did not happen by a certain date I would start moving on with my life.Every time we have an argument or disagreement he says he never makes me happy.(this is not true he mostly makes me happy and sometimes does not.)When I am expressing good feelings there are no problems.If I express any feelings of unhappiness. I.eTells me he will do something then doesn't.Says he is going to stop doing something, but continues.Offers to buy me things or do things for me...Then freaks out when I ask him to deliver.Most recent argument... (him)"I go to work every day and come home every day and still nothing makes you happy"(me)"Just because you come home everyday does not mean we are spending quality time together... watching you play a video game for 4 hours ever night is not my idea of quality time! We must really have a different view of what quality time is?"(him) "well its not my fault you don't play video games""get a life"(me)"I do have a life, but its hard when you freak out every time I go anywhere with my friends""If you are so unhappy maybe you should move out"In 7 years he has left (mostly for a few days)at least 10 times.Usually because after bickering back and forth and just not wanting to fight with him I tell him if he's unhappy maybe he should move out.Just like that.He takes most of his things ...leaves some things behind...Its almost like he grabs what ever he can in a haste without thinking...He will usually say something like, "don't worry I wont steal any of your things."By the time I get home he is gone,along with most of his belongings...he leaves some things, like clothes, paperwork,equipment, tools etc..I also feel that it is childish for him to leave so hastly in the heat of the moment especaly when we are finacialy tied to each other.In the past I would wait a few days then contact him to see if he was getting the rest of his things and figure out what to do about our financial ties...When he does finally "make contact" he will usually say something like "I was hoping you wouldn't be able to forget me so easily"I feel as if he does this to get a reaction to me or to punish me ....Like..."ill show you" kind of thing.I'm getting to old for this shit!I feel as if he is still playing childish games!I want a GROWN UP RELATIONSHIP!!!In the past I have contacted him if I did not hear from him or see him after a few days just to see if he was really moving out?Then he does this "After all that we have been threw I was hoping you wouldn't be able to get over me so easily " crap....blah blah blah...what am I supposed to do....after so many times of you taking your things and leaving?(I can take a hint you know)Then I say well " your the one who took your things and left"So I have a few questions.1. Is this emotional blackmail?2. Is this behaviour normal for grown men around the age of 40?3.How long should I wait to pack up the rest of his things and ask for him to get them? what is a normal amount of time to wait?4. If a woman does not contact a man once he has taken his things does he assume that she does not love him?5. Once a man leaves is what ever he leaves behind just not worth him taking? so that's why he leaves it behind?6. what do I do about our financial ties?(send him the links?)7. Wait and see if he comes to recover any of his things and stop making payments on his bills?8.If I don't fear physical abuse, or retaliation should I change the locks any ways?9.What is a normal amount of time to wait before changing the locks?10. If its so easy for him to leave why does he come back in a few days?
View related questions:
video games Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, bunnyblueeyes  +, writes (8 August 2011):
 Ahh, him telling you to get a life is different, as it seems that he's the one holding you back from doing so. (Sorry for the misread. My mistake).
If it's happened so many times now that you feel like you're just going through the motions then it probably is time to end it for good.
Can you box up his stuff and take it to his family/ friends??? This way you will show him that you really have had enough, and it will hopefully give you the closure and the fresh start that you need.
Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2011): Correction...He told me to get a life...my response was.(me)"I do have a life, but its hard when you freak out every time I go anywhere with my friends"Basicly he wants me at home with him by his side or waiting for him to come homeAs far as planing things - he is rarely interested in any activities I would like to participate in. when i do go out and do activities without him he always projecting me "getting into trouble." Also I never "throw him out" I guess its too much to ask man to act like a man. If you are living together in a committed relationship without marriage and onr person says to the other, "why don't you move out if you are unhappy?" Then why you don't pack half your things to punish them?You leave, take a break, and either make the decision together or get your things and move on. Dont leave some of your things behind "just in case" he always left on his own I never asked him to leave. recently I told him to move out if he was unhappy because he never seems happy...
...............................
A
female
reader, bunnyblueeyes +, writes (7 August 2011):
I don't understand why you think him leaving is emotional blackmail. You admit that you are the one throwing him out constantly.
In the last argument the second sentence out of you mouth was "Get a life" without even trying to disguss why you were upset. Do you plan any meals out for your quality time, or do you think it is only him that should try?
In none of your questions did you say "should I meet with him and discuss the next step?"
It doesn't seem to me that you're heart is in this relationship.
...............................
A
female
reader, banditsmom1124 +, writes (7 August 2011):
 1. Is this emotional blackmail? YES!!!
2. Is this behaviour normal for grown men around the age of 40? NO
3.How long should I wait to pack up the rest of his things and ask for him to get them? imo since he pulls this crap so often after 24 hrs bag his crap, set it out front and call him what your doing. what is a normal amount of time to wait? in the beginning id wait a few days but since this happens over and over id just give him 24 hrs!
4. If a woman does not contact a man once he has taken his things does he assume that she does not love him? who cares...hes playing mind games.
5. Once a man leaves is what ever he leaves behind just not worth him taking? so that's why he leaves it behind? He leaves stuff so he has an excuse to contact you
6. what do I do about our financial ties? this im not sure what to do except if he defaults take him to court
(send him the links?)
7. Wait and see if he comes to recover any of his things and stop making payments on his bills? see #6
8.If I don't fear physical abuse, or retaliation should I change the locks any ways? yups...show him youre serious this time!
9.What is a normal amount of time to wait before changing the locks? ASAP
10. If its so easy for him to leave why does he come back in a few days? cause hes playing mind games and he knows youll take him back...STAND UP TO HIM!!!
...............................
|
