A
female
age
41-50,
*aboomday
writes:I need help with my marriage. I've only been married for 1 1/2 years and I feel like my marriage is already getting stale. My biggest problem is my insecurity with my body. I've always had high self esteem until I got married. My husband LOVES big breasts. I am always seeing internet searches for big breasts, he gawks at women with big breasts, and it makes me feel horrible because I'm only a B cup. I feel like every time he gets a moment alone with the computer, there he goes... boobs, tits, bikinis, big breasts are some of his favority key word searches. I've tried over and over again to tell him that it makes me feel so horrible inside when he does this. The only thing he ever says back is that he doesn't like how I treat him like a 13 year old boy with a playboy being caught by his mother. He always tells me that I'm making a big deal about nothing. If it's "nothing" then when can't he stop? If it's "nothing" then why does he make is such an important priority that he is constantly sneaking a peak at these skanks?I feel like I tell my husband plain and simple how to make me happy, things to say, and mostly how to show me some respect in this situation. But no matter how plain and easy I make it for him, he still doesn't get it. I'm 26 years old and I feel like my husband is already tired of looking at me and my body. I'm always left with that feeling of not being good enough. I spend hours in the gym. I'm healthy and have a toned and inshape body. I make sure I look good for him. Most men don't have wives that care about their appearance and just let themselves go after marriage. But yet, he doesn't appreciate the great lengths I go through to keep him happy sexually. I can't believe men find it a mystery at how their wives become so uninterested in sex after so many years. Well, maybe it's because we get taken for granted so long that we become so angry and hurt that we just stop wanting sex in order to prevent our from feelings being hurt.
View related questions:
boobs, breasts, self esteem Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2009): Please beware this is his problem not yours. You are doing what you should be as a wife, caring about your husband. The problem with porn is that it slowly destroys a man. It starts off innocently enough, just a look here or there. Porn is like crack, once you have experienced the temporary high you get from it you want more. My husband (now ex) is addicted to porn, I believe it started while he was deployed to Iraq. I put up with it for 4 years, it ate away my self esteem, it caused him to pull away emotionally. There was a lack of intimacy which is usually one of the first things that happens when an addiction starts. If you want to know if it is an addiction, if someone is doing something they know causes pain or harm to someone else and still continue to do it, it is an addiction. My husband spend alot of money on cable movies (money that could have been spent in paying bills, or fixing the house that was falling apart). In the end he ended up having an affair with his ex wife, then his stepmother, now he is with his step mothers friend. I still check the cable bill and last month he spent $1131.00, his girlfriend has no clue, and since she also slept with him while he was still legally married to me, I feel she is getting what she deserves. I have been divorced since 3 days before Christmas, it still hurts, he acts if I do not exist (he is the one who filed), and I am just left with the pain and emotional scars, so if you want a life like this then stay with your husband. If you want to be happy, have a life free of porn and the possibilty of someone who will love you as a man should love a woman without sexual hangups, then please move on. PORN is cheating, lust of the mind will become lust of the heart.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2009): I think your husband is being very disrespectful to you. He is clueless, although men are visual creatures, he is really showing his immaturity when searching for big breasts on the internet. No wonder he feels like a 13 year old caught with a Playboy, he is emotionally 13!
Another thing that bothers me is his explosive temper. I grew up with that as a child from my father, and I cannot tolerate being with a man who is angry all of the time and at the drop of a hat for no reason....I say get going while the going is good.
You have earned your way out of this marriage. You have kept your body a temple for him, you have worked on yourself through reading, you have been with him to counseling and you are not gaining any ground.
This man is incapable of loving you and you deserve better...you could stick it out another year and get pregnant and then you would be ruining a child's life, too. I think you know it is time to cut your losses I can see it in your anger...so use that to motivate yourself to make a change, file for divorce get a great attorney. If you file first you have the power in the divorce so go for it.
I have never recommended a divorce before, but clearly you are beating your head against a wall.
It may be that you have poor communication style when dealing with conflict and arguments, but it takes two willing people to work on that. You might want to continue on with therapy on your own so you don't bring these negative patterns with you going forward into a new marriage...sometimes people get divorced and find that they have the same problems with the next marriage because they did not fix their negative patterns or they chose the same guy in a different suit....so try to get some perspective on this for yourself with help.
Also, work on raising your self esteem, but if being in this marriage has lowered it then you are in a toxic relationship and it is killing your spirit.....it sounds like it is him, not you....
Take care.
...............................
A
female
reader, Jaboomday +, writes (20 March 2009):
Jaboomday is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just tried talking to him and he basically told me that he doesn't care. I'm tired of trying. I try so hard to be good to him and I just get shit on. Why care when you have someone that doesn't care back? He's so mean, cold, and heartless. I'm tired of this. I'm done.
...............................
A
male
reader, sometimes ( Iwish)  +, writes (20 March 2009):
 Hi there, I thought that I respond again to this, So I hope I'm not being inconsiderate here. Some people have quite an adjustment period in the transition between dating to marriage. It actually sound like you are giving too much away. What I mean by this is although you are married; a person can be giving too much at times. Things in marriage have to be recipicated fully. When you indicate that your husband might lose his temper when you need something (like to talk), you should understand that this is a form of anger in which there emotions that build up to anger.
These are delevoped through three basic feelings: frustration - fear - hate . (ask yourself which of these three are factored here)
You trust this man to take care of your feelings which is the most important thing in a marriage. This called benevolence which is defined as taking consideration for a person's well being.
There are four pillars in which trust is built:
1.Competence
2.Consistance
3.Honesty
4.Benevolence
You could ask yourself if you both have all of these factors, which might help you guys to communicate on a balanced table.
Remember, it's better to say too much, then not to say anything at all.
Present postive things first! Have a laugh together. Open a door to talk freely, then most of the mutual insecurities will be set aside. From there you can both open up to each other. He wants to know about you, try a fresh approach, different atmosphere, and new place... Neutral ground.
Don't give up, you have to break though to this fellow because he sounds closed right now.
If you're worth it to him he will see the full picture you're painting. \\
Take a risk - Start by rebuilding some trust. Feel good about this. It builds character. You will see people in a real light.
This is corny I know, but download a song called "SAY" by John Mayer.... I might help you to grasp on to something, and allow some confidence to do this right, in your own way. By the way if you play guitar it's a sweet jam
Very Best Regards
...............................
A
female
reader, Jaboomday +, writes (20 March 2009):
Jaboomday is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't know how to talk to him anymore. I've tried and tried to explain my feelings. I feel like I break my back trying to be a good wife to him. I've read multitudes of marriage books, we've been to counseling and everything. I feel like he's sitting in the lap of luxury while I tend to his needs all while he not only gets whatever he wants, but then doesn't give two shits about how I feel. I can't believe that the person that is supposed to love me so much, can be so mean. I was obviously upset yesterday and when he came home from work all he could say is, "What the fuck is wrong with you?" Now you tell me how I'm supposed to feel open and accepted enough to share my feelings? I can't even begin to talk to him because he immediately gets explosive with his temper and it gets us nowhere. I don't feel like I'm nagging, in fact I never ask him for a single thing, I don't nag I don't complain.. nothing! But I'm tired of being walked all over and I'm tired of being disrespected! I'm ready to make demands in this marriage. I think I deserve some respect. I'm his wife and I deserve to be treated a certain way, ESPECIALLY since I go way out of my way to be good to him. I don't know where he's getting this from that he could just walk all over me and then stomp is feet when he doesn't get his way. I'm so sick of it! I'm TIRED OF IT.
...............................
A
male
reader, sometimes ( Iwish) +, writes (19 March 2009):
Here is some sound advice if you really want it!
You need to take control first of your biggest problem being " my insecurity with my body". This really isn't about big breasts. This might be about and I will quote
" I've tried over and over again to tell him that it makes me feel so horrible inside when he does this. The only thing he ever says back is that he doesn't like how I treat him like a 13 year old boy with a playboy being caught by his mother. "
What this does is does is assist the closing of doors in a relationship between couples. He reacts defensive to the explanation of your feelings on this matter. He might see this as "nagging".
It sort of sounds like you feel under appreiciated currently, and am not sure on how to communicate this emotion. Take stock in the good, and the great feelings your have first. Feel good about yourself in everyway.
Try to stop worrying about insignificant matters, and start attracting great thoughts into your mind. This will emit confidence which will give you many abilities to communicate your needs. Appreiciate yourself first,and show this to people.
You will get reation, and attract interest into your life. This will wake up your husband from his void state of the fantasy internet world.
Your sparks can create fires. Be secure, think great thoughts, have good feelings, and be confident ,but also know that it is ok to feel unsure sometimes and share this with him.
Maybe, he has similar feelings,and insecurities.
Everything is not about sex just because some people view different ideas on the internet, or in public.
Your husband cares about how you feel, but might try presenting your emotions in a different light.
Taste life together, light fires, and emit the highest frequency you can, which is love. It will be ok.
Regards
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): .... and another thing, show him a wish list of your own and put 'Big Dick' at the top.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): Either he's trying to wind you up, or he's a complete jerk. To make a wish list that includes big tits when he knows you're self-conscious about yours says a lot about what sort of man he is. Not a very nice, kind or subtle one. If big tits is his number one priority why did he marry you?
I'd suggest the next time you 'nearly' break up you go the whole hog and leave him to his fascination and fetish or whatever you'd like to call it. I'm only surprised that you haven't cut his balls off by now. If I acted the way he has I'd make sure I wore a cricket box at night.
Be proud of what you've got - many men would kill for a woman like you. If he doesn't appreciate you, demonstrate to him what life is like without you - by leaving him.
...............................
A
male
reader, Leonardo  +, writes (19 March 2009):
Don't get hung up about this. All men like to look at other naked women - its in their blood. But he's not nagging you because you don't look that way - after all, he married you with the body you have now.I love to watch XXX films with girls with big tits, but when I am with a real women in bed, then a hundred other things are important. I'd much rather have a woman whose tits are responsive than big tits that have very little reaction to sucking.But for you, its time you and your marriage focus more than just on sex. You want to start building a life together. Talk about your future - a house - a baby - your dreams. Men like a woman who think about the big things in life - getting better jobs, moving to a better area, whatever. In 10 years he'll still be looking at other women's big tits, and you will have sex about 2 times a month. But it will be a wonderful, loving experience.Don't be a nag. He didn't get married to you because he wanted another mother. He wants a real partner in life - one who is active and alive and sexy. Let him see how you can turn other guy's eyes at a restaurant or party. Teasing and tears are a woman's greatest defenses against the male ego.
...............................
A
female
reader, Jaboomday +, writes (19 March 2009):
Jaboomday is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHere's what hurts the most. Recently he made a list of what he wants in a woman. It was after our marriage hit rock bottom and we almost split up. He wrote all these qualities he wants in a woman and one of them said "big tits". I was seriously crushed by this. If it is so damn important to him to where he'd put it on his stupid little wish list, then he sure as hell married the wrong woman. I just don't understand what the hell is SO hard for him to understand that this is extremely disrespectful and it just absolutely destroys me. What I need to find is a way to tell him how I feel because I seriously belive that if he truly understood how he makes me feel then he'd take a good look at himself and make a solid effort to accomodate his feelings. But his "I don't give a shit" attitude toward this only makes me believe that he just doesn't get it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): My partner and lifelong friend who I absolutely adore wears AA cup bras. They are the only boobs I wish to play with. If you've got a B cup then lucky you, that's considered by most a very nice size to be. No strap grooves on your shoulders and no aching back. Piece of cake to find clothes that fit.I look at big boobed women on the internet, in the street and in the office. It's not like an obsession with me, but my male mind mentally undresses these women if they're wearing clothes and wonders what lies beneath. It's a visual thing, but it definitely doesn't mean that I would prefer them to what I have waitng at home.All men look at women's boobs, it's what men do and I suspect that's what boobs were designed for apart from the obvious.However, you've told your husband how you feel about this habit of his and if he'd any respect for you at he'd curtail his ogling activities until you weren't around to observe him. Maybe he's wondering what he's missing but to my mind he ought to be delighted with what his wife has to offer - and he probably is. Because he looks at boobs doesn't mean he thinks any less of or is unhappy with you.
...............................
A
female
reader, CandyCakes +, writes (19 March 2009):
I think you and he need to talk. All men love boobies, and it sounds like he likes 'em big. But you know what? It could be that he just loves all kinds of boobs. Guys don't have them so they're not so picky about what sort boobs are, really.
But ask him how he feels about your body. I'm sure if you're married that he really loves you and finds you sexy, he's just too dense to know to show it (so many guys are!)
All guys I've ever talked to think about sex constantly. Which means they imagine doing it with about every girl they see. They think about girls boobs, etc. But it's not something they really intend to do. It's in their natures. Since you obviously cant walk around with your tits out all the time, and because he doesn't want to bother you, he goes for the computer.
But I'm not your husband. You and he need to sit down, face to face, and you need to explain to him why it feels bad. Odds are, boobs aren't as big of a thing to him as you are.
...............................
|
