A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for a little over two years. It has been rocky, but I have been committed and trying to do all I can to make the marriage work.Anyway, a few months ago, my husband simply decided he didn't want to be married anymore, which of course devastated me as I had no idea why he felt that way. His only reason is "he feels smothered" We have on again/off again been working at it, but he still doesn't know what he wants.Should I stick around to see if he decides he still wants to be in the marriage? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, lexilou  +, writes (3 August 2008):
 No i actually suggest you take a break and look long and hard at your relationship. You say it has always been rocky, you have tried your hardest and yet your husband is still not happy. Maybe it is time to move on and try it alone for a while. You may find that you both cant wait to get back together and you both put the effort in and live happily ever after. Or you may actually realise you are better off without him x
A
female
reader, helpfullhannah +, writes (3 August 2008):
Good for you for trying so hard to make your marriage work. But however if your husband, after all your efforts still does not feel happy with you then there is simply nothing you can do.
What you need to do is sit down and think if you love him hard enough to try to stay with him. If he's really worth it you will answer yes straight away.
Have a long talk about everything and ask when he started to feel this way. Uncover any things he has wanted to say but not known how. This will give you a deeper insight to his true feelings which will help you understand the problem more. Whilst talking to your husband, speak about old memories you have shared with one another, hopefully making him realise he doesn't want to lose you.
If as he says 'he feels smothered' then give him space. That's what he's saying basically. So full-fill his need as asked.
I wish you all the best for the future and good luck to you and your husband.
Remember - dont feel to bad if things dont go right for you, try things to help take your mind off him like dating and try confiding in your friends if things get too hard.
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A
female
reader, ButterflyKisses +, writes (3 August 2008):
"Feeling smothered" is not a justifiable reason for seperation/divorce, in my opinon. I'm assuming you feel the same way. It sounds like an excuse to a larger issue. I would start by setting some boundaries with him. For example, give him four-eight weeks completely alone. Tell him this is his time to "think" and experience life. I wouldn't attach rules to this time period, and expect him to see other women during this time, too. It's hard to swallow that one, I'm sure, but it's better that he gets a taste of what I'm sure he's really after, and learn that it isn't as great as he thought it would be. Don't call him, see him, drive past his work, "conveniently" shop at the same store, etc. during this time. Let him experience true life without you in it. If he still feels that still he doesn't want the marrtiage after that time frame, then I doubt you could have done anything to change the outcome of seperation/divorce, but you'll have saved yourself months of pain by learning this early on. If, however, he realizes that life is not half a great without you, then he's most likely going to want to work on the marriage. At this point I would recommend seeing a marriage therapist and work through the marital issues. If he chooses to come back, please, PLEASE don't ask him what he did on "the break". That will stop you from moving forward.
Good Luck!!
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A
female
reader, Angela.B +, writes (3 August 2008):
 If he "feels smothered" my advice would be to give him as much space as he needs.
In fact, give him so much space that he can see you are planning the rest of your life without him. Start looking after your own future, making decisions about what you are going to do, where you are going to live and so on. Go out without him, do whatever it is you want to do.
If seeing you getting on with your life like that doesn't make him realise that he's not smothered and wants to be with you nothing will. And if he still can't make a commitment to you, then you have all the plans in place to be free of him.
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