A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband does not have a sex drive anymore. We are both young in our mid-twenties. We have been together for nearly 10 years. Our sex life has been at times amazing and at times sparse. I always seem to want it more than him. In the past he has used porn instead of being intimate with me, which I found very hurtful. He would look at it while I was at work on the evenings and then reject my attempts to be intimate with him when I got home. He never told me that he was watching porn and masturbating, just that he was tired or not interested. Over time I became very frustrated and hurt, and lonely. This has been a pattern on/off 3 or 4 times over the past 10 years, so I am sensitive to it. I sense that it is happening again. I asked him if he was masturbating/porn watching independently and he says no, he thinks he suffers from low-T and has started taking vitamins instead (nothing has changed in his behaviour).It's been two months since we had sex (before that time it had been a few weeks), I have given him oral sex a few times since then, and he has orgasmed, but he does not show any interest in pleasuring me. I try to catch his attention with low cut tops, or walk past him in my underwear, I've been making an effort with my hair and makeup, he just does not notice me. I can take off my shirt while he's in the same room, to reveal some lacy lingerie underneath, and he does not offer me a second glance. He does not flirt, or touch me, rarely kisses me. We have had conversations about it (that I have initiated) and after the conversation he makes more of an effort to hug and kiss me but the effect wears off within 24 hours and I feel invisible again. I've asked him to just lie naked with me in bed, no pressure to have sex, just to feel that closeness. He doesn't seem to want to. I don't want to be a nag. He accused me of treating him like a prostitute (last thing I want). It's not just sex I miss (though I do miss it very much) I miss the closeness and the connection, the simple happiness we have when we are together before and after sex, just enjoying each others bodies and companies. I have never felt less attractive or more alone in my entire life. I cry every night, have trouble sleeping and wake with a headache every morning. The frustration is turning into resentment and it is damaging our marriage. I don't know what to do, I am trying to be patient but I don't know what's going on. I feel so lost. Is he watching porn again? Is it really a testosterone problem? Is there something else I should be doing?? Please help...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2014): Honestly to me he just sounds selfish and like he doesn't really care about you…
To me a relationship without any physical intimacy is just a friendship and that is NOT the kind of marriage I want…I would make it VERY clear to him that this is becoming a huge issue for you (doesn't he realize this, as you've been crying!?) and that you're considering leaving. Ask him if he'll go to couples counseling with you. If he won't then you may want to consider separating…but that's just my two cents, and I'm only 23 and I've never been married so I don't know so much about these things...
A
male
reader, RevMick +, writes (20 April 2014):
 I have seen this time and time again and I often ask the hard question "do you think he may be bisexual or gay?".
I get the feeling that if given the choice, he would rather be a good friend to you, than anything else. The fact you go on dates, to the movies shows there is love there. Just whether that love is strictly platonic.
You could suggest a sex therapist or marriage counselor which are always good when relationships get into a little rut. However the fact that this has been an ongoing issue leads me to think there is something more than just low sex drive.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (18 April 2014):
 Any advice I might add would be far less important that what you have already rec'd. just know the exact same problem exists for a lot of men too. with the wife going into the re-virgination mode.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (18 April 2014):
 you have been given great advice by many.... I just want you to know you are not alone.
my husband sounds just like this... and we thought it was LOW-T but he's 40. the only way to check is blood work and while his T is in the low end of normal it's not abnormal.
what's plaguing him is twofold, depression and he has gained weight and just does not feel sexy anymore... I so understand now how men can't get why women won't have sex when they think they are fat and the guy still thinks they are hot.
I get what you are feeling too because i don't miss the sex so much as the affection and we've talked about that. I have found that giving him space really does help... just having him want to kiss me hello and goodbye and cuddle me when he comes to bed even for a few minutes really helps.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (18 April 2014):
Dear OP,
You've been given great advice so far, so I am not going to repeat all of the good things that have been said.
If somebody has a really low sex-drive, you can't seduce them no matter how hot you are. And if somebody doesn't want to change, you can't force them to. But what you can do is stop rewarding people's behavior by serving them and to look after yourself instead. It sounds like you want to make it as easy for him as possible but this is the wrong approach, he just gets more and more lazy (knowing that you'll always be available, anyway).
David Schnarch is a psychologist and marriage counsellor who wrote several books about reawakening sexual passion in committed relationships and marriages. Maybe reading one of his books might help you?
That said, my last relationship went down the drain because of topics like sexual compatibility. But I also found out that the last months of our relationship, I was being ignored because said ex was in love with someone else.. don't want to make you paranoid - after all, everything else is ok- just saying. People can go through the motions of a committed relationship while secretly day-dreaming away about someone else. Take a close look at the both of you and see how much of that commitment and love is real/honest, and how much is just lovely routine.
Anyway, I think you can save this relationship.. but you can't make 100% of the effort. 50% needs to come from your husband and only 50% from you.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (18 April 2014):
 Your follow-up submittal includes a HUGE clue to what's going on between the two of you. Read this paragraph:
"When I ask he says he thinks I am beautiful, is attracted to me, and wants to be with me. He can be very convincing with his words but the action does not back it up."
If'n he loved and cherished you, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO ASK (effectively, beg him) to tell you that "he thinks I am beautiful, is attracted to me, and wants to be with me."
This guy is fully transparent... he thinks ONLY of himself, and you, Dear Lady, are parenthetical in his life. That parting of the ways looks better and better.
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2014): I am the question poster. Thanks for the responses. The truth is that aside from sex our relationship is pretty good. We go on dates, to movies, restaurants, eat takeaway together, we take trips alone (most recently to London, also to Paris, Greece, the Caribbean, Italy, etc) and he surprises me with presents, small things here and there as well as large gifts. He loves to satisfy my dreams and desires, I truly believe he would do anything for me (except the sex). He has a good job and is paid well, especially for his age. He is the youngest person in his company and is very successful in his field. He receives lots of accolades at work and I know it makes him proud to be able to provide a good lifestyle for us and to be a sought after professional.We don't have kids. I haven't gained weight- I'm probably 25-30 pounds lighter than I was when we met, I exercise regularly (he doesn't). I have gained about 10 pounds over the last year or so because of various life stresses and bad habits- I do comfort eat, especially when there is a dip in our sex life. I am working on it, but I've been much heavier and he's been attracted to me. I don't believe he's gay, the porn he watches is usually standard P-in-V, he says in particular he likes the zoomed in shots of a woman's vagina so I'm sure he must be straight...? He'd never tell me otherwise anyway.When I ask he says he thinks I am beautiful, is attracted to me, and wants to be with me. He can be very convincing with his words but the action does not back it up. So, given that he won't admit to wanting out of the marriage or that I'm not attractive to him, or that he's bored, or that he's watching porn instead, I'm not sure how to communicate about this with him. The prostitute statement was something like this (paraphrasing) "You only care about sex, if everything else in the relationship is fine it doesn't matter to you because you just want sex. If you want sex go and find a prostitute, instead of making me feel like one." It was frustrating to hear him say that.. because it's him I want... I tried to make him understand I'm not simply after a quick orgasm (would be nice though). Yes we've been together for a long time and perhaps he gets bored of just being with me.. it's not as if I've never felt the same way, but to me the upside of being with just him is greater than the downside. Maybe the opposite is true for him. He won't admit to it though. I feel at a loss.Anyway thanks for the feedback, it's given me food for thought.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 April 2014):
 Low T-level is not something you can self diagnose. And vitamins can't fix low T either. He would NEED actual TESTOSTERONE therapy (either patch, cream or injections) to fix it.
My guess is he never REALLY had a high sex drive, and now that you two are settled in a long term routine he is content with "self service" and occasionally letting YOU service him.
If he "thinks" he has low T she should go see his doctor. It's a pretty simple test to see if he has low T or not.
To me though it doesn't sound like it's a low T issue. It sounds more like he had left the part of the relationship that involves physical intimacy. Him being absolutely selfish when you DO have sex is almost like he is pushing you away.
Telling you that YOU make him feel like a prostitute I find odd. Unless you get yours, toss some money on the bed and walk away, HOW are you treating him like a prostitute? The fact that after 10 year you are STILL attracted to him? Still want him PHYSICALLY? I'd ask him to elaborate.
Apart from sex how is the relationship?
How is his work? Career? Family?
Does he have friends, do you two still go out on dates?
It's really hard to give you a "fix" for this, because I'm not sure there IS one.
My advice would be to STOP crying over spilled milk. It's NOT you there is ANYTHING wrong with. He is TRYING to make this about you -( accusing you of treating him like a prostitute) in a way to avoid the issue and take responsibility for HOW he makes you feel.
TALK to him. If he tosses out statements (like the prostitute one) ask him to elaborate, don't back down til he explains it in a way you can understand.
ASK him if he still WANTS to be with you, and if he says yes, then ASK him if he understand that being with you means being intimate (be it cuddles, kisses, hugs and/or sex).
ASK him what he thinks should be the next step.
My guess is, he wants out.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2014): I just wanted to praise Tisha for recognizing other possibilities besides the old "he must be bored with your sex life, he watches too much porn, leave him now" answer.Has he changed in any ways outside of the bedroom? During the times when your sex life becomes sparse, does he also lose interest in other things he's normally passionate about? His job, his friends, any hobbies he has? Does he lay in bed a lot? Does he generally seem down and unhappy? If so, he may be experiencing recurring bouts of depression.Like Tisha said, he needs to see a doctor. If he's not willing to, then I'm afraid you'll have to move on. Clearly this relationship is extremely, extremely unhealthy for you. You sound like you're willing to fight for it, which is great, as long as he's willing to put in the effort too.Good luck.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 April 2014):
 Tisha hit all the points here, and I agree with the others...
He rubs it off quick, easy, and selfishly. You are both way too familiar with each other, and you're getting him off without any reciprocation??
I also seriously doubt it has to do with low Testosterone at his age, and there are many other symptoms of that, not just a lack of sex drive. If he's averse to even being next to you and cuddling and he's not on high blood pressure medications or anti-depressants, then it could be the porn addiction, which I'd find unacceptable if it's interfering.
As for being closeted and gay, I'd be wondering about the nature of the porn he watches or the way he has sex with you when you do have intimacy.
You also mention that there are amazing sex times with him?
My suggestion is that you need to stop crying and stop being there with him. Dry your eyes, stop offering yourself to him, and do not get him off or even start getting him off until he gives you an orgasm. Seriously. That's a trick of the lazy and selfish as well - the guy realizes that his wife's been busy and gets a little horny, so he starts cuddling and right in the beginning, then he switches onto his back and lets her do all the work. NO WAY.
One other thing that's porn related is that he could be having erectile issues. Chronic porn watchers desensitize their penises to only orgasm with a grip or a mouth, meaning he isn't stimulated enough during intercourse, so he stops as it's too much work for him, which is also selfish and indicates a porn problem.
One other thing, and I don't know you and you haven't mentioned it, and I don't say it to be mean, but in a poll, 38% of husbands asked why they stop having sex cite that their wives either gained too much weight or became unattractive. Part of that number also includes if the husband became obese and lost libido as well. You never mentioned having kids, but that's when stuff starts setting in if a healthy lifestyle isn't maintained and metabolism takes a dive in us women. Again, I'm not judging you, and I don't know if that's the case, but that's too significant of a reason NOT to mention it.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (18 April 2014):
Your husband is a jerk who believes that HE controls the sexuality between the two of you....
His "...I feel like a prostitute..." scheme is meant to make YOU feel bad (ofr having NORMAL sexual/intamacy expectations!!!!)...
Sit him down and tell him: "Hunchy-bunchy, you're a pretty nice guy.... and I love you and want to spend the remainder of my life with you.... BUT, if the "price" for spending the remainder of my life with you... is that I have to live in a sexual desert... then I would just as-soon make an adjustment to my life, such that YOU - and your lack of sex - aren't a part of it. Is that PERFECTLY clear? 'Cuz only YOU can change the way things are between us... and if they DON'T change, you'd better start looking for a girl who is content to live in your sexual desert."
Sexual incompatibility is a DEAL KILLER in a relationship... and you are facing that now... Sorry, and...
Good luck....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2014): He's known you since you were both teens. You practically grew up together. You're almost like a sister to him. Porn is a substitute; because he's tired of having sex with the same person for so long.
That sometimes happens in marriages between people who hardly ever dated anyone but their spouse. The sex feels the same to him. I'm making no excuses for him. That's just how it is sometimes.
I don't think he lost interest because of the porn. I think he turned to porn once he got bored, and over-familiar with the sex you have together. I know you tried to spice it up,
but it's still the same sex he has had for years.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2014): Maybe because you're always available, how about cuddling and more intimacy and when he asks for sex then go oh no I'm tired. Guys, when they get it offered on the plate the whole time get tired.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 April 2014):
 I don't think you can self-diagnose "low-T" without some bloodwork and an exam by a proper physician and I don't think that if you actually have "low-T" that some vitamin supplements will deal with that issue. So that's obviously an excuse to avoid dealing with the real issue. Which we don't know as he's not being honest with you and has actually emotionally blackmailed you by suggesting that you are making him feel like a prostitute.
You ask "is there something else I should be doing??" and my answer is yes, you should be taking him to his real GP for a thorough workup (he may have depression or other condition), you should be taking yourself to a marriage counselor (preferably inviting him along) so you can deal with the lack of intimacy and you should take yourself to your own GP as you are crying every night, have insomnia and are experiencing frequent headaches.
[I wonder if your house has a carbon monoxide leak or other toxic chemical issue… neighbors of ours had a very tiny leak in their heater and it wound up causing all sorts of problems.]
Back off on demanding physical intimacy for now and run through the list of possible problems.
The porn could be a problem, see here: http://yourbrainonporn.com
He could be gay and in the closet and it's just now reaching the point where he can't deal with it anymore: http://www.straightspouse.org
It could be a hormonal imbalance or depression, so see your doctor: http://www.nhs.uk/symptomcheckers/pages/symptoms.aspx
Good luck with figuring it out.
It may be as simple as he wants out of the marriage but doesn't have the courage to tell you. Which goes to that marriage counselor thing, having a mediator may allow him to express his feelings and situation in a way that he hasn't been able to or felt comfortable enough to do.
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