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age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: I've been seeing a guy for 2 years. We generally get on well and plan to live together soon, we got engaged recently - that's on hold now... and I'm really not sure about it all because of one massive aspect of his behaviour.He has had this staring at other women behaviour right from the very first date, right from day one. We had been out for dinner, had a lovely time, good food and great conversation. I remember thinking his eyes seemed to flick around the room a lot, as if he was really distracted, but I put it down to first date nerves. But I noticed how he had to turn his head or even fully turn around whenever he sees another woman he seems to find attractive. Sometime his mouth even drops open a little bit and he makes a funny sound!On our second date he actually tripped and hurt himself because he was walking on one direction and staring behind him to look at someone. It was funny in a way and I made a joke out of it and said "MAN DOWN!", lol, but it also hurt because we'd just had a lovely date and he was walking me home and we were having a really lovely chat getting to know more about each other and I literally lost him because of someone's tight pair of jeans :0( I didn't say anything at the time but was very silent as he walked me home, when he rang the next day he denied he had been leching and that he had tripped over a loose paving stone and that I was imagining things. I decided not to see him again and told him I wasn't sure about him as I felt really hurt by this the following day, but a week later he called me back and apologised and said yes he had been "distracted" but he was really sorry, he blamed alcohol, although we'd only had one bottle of wine between us.. and asked if we could start again. I decided to let it pass and forget about it and give him another chance.Should I have taken that as a massive warning sign? It was our second date. I always thought people are on their best behaviour on the first few dates at least?Still I let it go but it niggled me and it never stopped and only got worse. Two years down the line I ask, is this normal behaviour? If he sees someone he stares and stares as if his life depends on it. He tracks a woman's movements around cafes, bars, out shopping, in restaurants, waiting in a queue at the bank, in the bus, on the train. Sometimes I feel like asking if he wants to take a photo for later, it's so bad. If he were a teenager I would kind of excuse it as immaturity, but he's nearly 50 and I feel it smacks of disrespect. I literally lose him. I could walk off and I'm sure he wouldn't even notice I wasn't there.I remember on our third or fourth date we went to a salsa music night and rather than dancing with me, he sat staring at one particular woman who was there and when she went outside for a cigarette he even followed her outside to get a better look! It was only when I was asked to dance by someone else as I was standing dancing alone that he actually got up to join me and decided to stop leching over her! :0( On holiday last year, he even knocked over another couple's table in a cafe trying to see a woman on the other side of the street better. They were furious as it was so obvious he wasn't even looking where he was going and hot coffee was spilled onto their little boy's lap. There was food and broken glass and crockery all over him. Luckily he wasn't badly burned but he got a nasty scald. I was so upset later and started crying about it and he told me I was overreacting! And then flying back home, he almost did the same thing in the airport because of his staring and on the plane he couldn't get his eyes off one the air hostesses! He even flirted shamelessly with one of them in front of me!Am I overreacting? I have talked this over with him and although he has apologised, he says I am too sensitive and he loves only me and sees only me and that he is man and he can't help it. At first he denied he even did it, he seemed ashamed but he was angry and trying to imply I imagine most of it. I feel like I don't exist when he does it. And he has caused accidents! He tells me I am paranoid :0(Is this a red flag I should have paid more attention to two years ago? We were looking at flats together last week and I got upset as I couldn't stop thinking about his leching and sat down with him and told him I'm unsure of him because of his google eyes and that I think we should maybe put the engagement etc. on hold. He got very angry and I've been told I'm overreacting again and I am a jealous and ungrateful and sick in the head - but then as we were trying to discuss it over a beer in a quiet corner of the pub, a woman walked in with her boyfriend and were ordering drinks in front of us and he could barely take his eyes off her!!!!! Then he was craning his neck to see the barmaid better! It was like he didn't care about what I was saying!When I tell all my friends they all tell me to end it. My feelings for him are waning and I'm starting to notice other men much more as well. I guess it's got to be a sign that I really am unhappy with him. I don't know what to do for the best, I've given him the ring back and have been avoiding his calls for the past few days. I even pretended I was out when he knocked at the door earlier :0( I'm so confused, I do care about him but this can't be love, he can't love if he's THAT inconsiderate with his behaviour, right?
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engaged, flirt, jealous Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (24 April 2014):
 You did good!
Enjoy the holiday an TRY not to think about him OR beat yourself up for being with him.
Chalk it up to a lesson in TRUSTING your gut.
Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSageoldGuy you cracked me up, you'd be more than welcome to carry my suitcase. In fact, I can imagine a holiday with the Aunts and Uncles of Dear Cupid, we'd have a great time!I know I've done the right thing, I really do, but I'm starting to feel a bit down now, kind of a deflated "what next" feeling. I think I was kind of high on the adrenaline of making the decision, writing the letter and putting it through his door and being done with it.Now though I feel as if I'm ruminating over all the bad stuff and I feel as if he was really using me. I'm getting upset specifically about how he never even bought me a single birthday gift and I always got him something special, I was always buying him random gifts too, even when I was out today it was so hard to switch off my "ooh, what a lovely tshirt, x y z etc." when I saw stuff in passing which I know he would like. He NEVER did that for me, he only noticed other women...I KNOW these feelings will go away and once I get on holiday it will really help. I think in a nutshell, I wish I could turn the clock back because I know he didn't love me, he used me in many ways. I can never get the time back, I would never expect to take gifts back.. I'm not mean like that, I think it's just that everything I bought for him, when we were out and I paid for stuff, all the stuff I did for him too, well, it was from the heart. And it was never returned. I can't take my time or my love back. I guess I have some work to do on myself now and some healing.Thanks again to all who helped me here.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (23 April 2014):
 RE: Your follow-up.....
FANTASTIC!!! How refreshing to learn that a woman who has endured as much as you have.... has emerged from that horrible caccoon in which she was placed... and is going to re-emerge, and make sure that the rest of her life is going to be better (and better).... Ta-dah!!!!!
Good luck....
P.S. Do you need a good-looking, hot guy to carry your luggage on that holiday???? I can be available!!!!!
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female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (23 April 2014):
 Aw...I'm so happy that you were able to look beyond your feelings of love to see how you were being treated. So many times we know what we need to do but we just don't want things to change. Sometimes you just have to hear it from someone else! It isn't that you don't know what is going on but you tend to have on the rose colored glasses as you said. Don't look at this as a loss, look at this as a fresh start onto a better happier future. You're already moving in the right direction. Please let us know how you are doing ok?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 April 2014):
 Good luck as you move forward!
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (22 April 2014):
 Good for you! Very happy to hear this. :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEveryone here has been so supportive and helpful. I wanted everyone who replied to know I read all of your responses. I also took some time to research this both on this site and generally online and I was really surprised by how many women on here and on other websites have the same problem. I could have literally written what some women have said myself and so many have experienced similar or even almost identical situations. Some are also being abused verbally and/or physically and some also financially. What is also quite scary is how a lot of women seem to never get the courage to leave, despite how much good advice they get from others and end up stuck for years and years, wasting their lives.I decided I wasn't going to be another one of those women who puts up with second best. Over Easter it was lovely being with my family and I even talked things over with my Mum. She has never liked him but she still tried to give me an unbiased opinion and I told her I'd called off the engagement, moving in etc. and she was relieved. After talking to her some more I decided it was time to finally be rid of him from my life for good and start again.I rang him a couple of times, he was working on the Friday and Saturday but the rest of the Bank Holiday I knew he was off, I didn't manage to catch him, I even knocked on his door a couple of times, he had said he would probably see his brother and sister over Easter so I wasn't sure where exactly, at his place or round their's, I ended up texting him (which I hate) asking if we could meet for a chat but I never heard back from him. I started to frustrated that he didn't appear to want to talk about stuff, so I decided to write a letter to him ending it and put it through his door.The general gist of the letter was that I wasn't happy and hadn't been happy for a long time, if he wanted to talk about it ok, but my mind was made up that it's over, not just the engagement, I no longer wish to be in a relationship with him and that I wasn't prepared to tolerate his bad behavior and him basically making me wrong for it. I found myself feeling really angry as I wrote it and I had to really restrain myself and stop myself from not being insulting, I found writing it that a lot of other upsetting stuff was coming up. I even realised he had never bought me a nice birthday gift, not even a card. I started to see how a lot of the relationship had been so one-sided. I was always seeing something nice in the shops for him, a shirt or a nice pair of tracksuit bottoms for the gym and I was always generous and he was never like that to me. I was actually way off when I wrote my post here because I said we get on really well. That couldn't be true, I was seeing him through rose coloured spectacles all the time. He never loved me, he loved what I could do for him, he loved the fact that someone was going to marry him and be with him and make him look good and always be there, if he loved me he would not be window shopping for other women, he would have remembered my birthday, he would have held my hand when we were out together, sometimes he walked ahead.. or walked really quickly.. so many other things have come into my mind now. I didn't bring them all up in the letter, but I told him he didn't deserve me and that I deserve better and that I don't want to hear from him again and he is no longer welcome at my home.I dropped the letter round on Sunday evening. I've heard nothing from him and I've decided if we run into each other in town, I'll be polite or ignore him if possible.Tomorrow I'm having a haircut and a facial and I've just booked a holiday. Time for a fresh start. Thank you so much Aunties and Uncles!I decided to tak
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (19 April 2014):
 The way he behaved on your first date was indeed a huge red flag you should have acted upon right then and there. That WAS his best behaviour. There should have been no explanations, no second date and no communication afterward.YouWish is right in that his conduct is downright creepy. He's demonstrated an appalling lack of impulse control and sees women, not as real people, but as things to appraised, acquired and enjoyed. I do, however, agree with him on one point and that is your being hurt and crying is childish and over the top. You should not be so heavily invested in anyone so soon that they can so easily hurt you. And you need to understand that other people's behaviour is a reflection of THEIR worth, not yours. Your value as a person, your sense of security must come from within. If you rely on others to determine it for you, you will forever be at their mercy. You're headed in the right direction by suspending wedding plans and not responding to him, but I think you need to finish what you started. Cut him loose entirely, sever all ties and never speak to him again. The time for discussion ended after the first date.Sticking around damages you.
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female
reader, cattycakes  +, writes (19 April 2014):
I once had a boyfriend who wanted to move our relationship to a higher level and he was almost perfect. However, I was troubled by the same thing as you.
He would fix his eyes and linger way too long on other women. I know they noticed. It was cringe-making.
By one way or another (too long to tell) I found out he did interactive webcam porn with young girls.
I believe that his way of looking related directly to his online habit. He didn't realise what he was doing, I don't think he believed me about how obvious it was.
I soon after found out that he had paid for sex on the odd occasion, so the picture was complete and I ran for my life, plus a good check up with a doctor!
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female
reader, worry2014 +, writes (19 April 2014):
 I believe the you deserve better, all men look at other girls, but in a way that they wont disrespect, our hurt your feeling like he is doing. He is a cheater, if you married him you will live a miserable life. Good luck
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 April 2014):
I'm an with Uncle Wise.
2 years of this crap and you don't say THIS isn't OK til he asks you to marry him?
No, it's not normal. It's down right gross.
Noticing a pretty or handsome person is normal, your guys reactions is NOT. He is constantly looking for greener grass or greener ass..
He is CRASS!
You posts sounds like you already know this is not normal, but you are grasping at straws because if you HAVE to realize that this is NOT OK and that you should walk away, well then you have to make a pretty tough action. You will no longer have a relationship or a future wedding with THIS guy.
He doesn't SEE you only. He doesn't respect you and he certainly doesn't respect ANY women in general. He views us all as pieces of walking meat. Objects, not humans.
I'd cut him lose and not drag it out. I think you already know all this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2014): Regardless of the actual behaviour that this man is showing, I suggest you think newly and differently about why you accept or try to accept this very hurtful behaviour. It is this habit of yours, rather than the hurtful behaviour, that is the real problem. In effect, you are using this person's hurtful behaviour to undermine and hurt yourself. It seems very much a way of saying to yourself "you are not good enough to have a 100% lovely date, so you must accept this very painful behaviour". Your perspective is skewed at the moment - you keep focusing on what you regard as the positive aspects of the relationship and are thinking "if only he would change everything would be okay". It won't work. What needs to happen is for you to look at the WHOLE of his behaviour and, instead of thinking "Oh I had a 100% happy time with him, only spoiled a bit by his looking at other women" instead think "Overall I had a horrible time because it was consistently undercut by his looking at other women and I felt miserable and insecure and as if I was being stabbed each time I started to enjoy myself...why am I using this person as an instrument to inflict pain on myself, why do I feel that I don't deserve completely trustworthy behaviour and no pain?" If you start to look at it this way you will probably see that your habit of self-sabotaging through other people is NOT only bound up with this man, it has likely developed over your life-time. Until you attend to that core issue, you won't be empowered to change your life for the better - even if you break with him, which I would highly recommend, you will be taking 'pot luck' hoping that someone treats you better. Look to yourself first.
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female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (18 April 2014):
Do not let your feelings of love blind you to what is really going on. You have already taken the right steps by calling off the engagement. The only thing left to do now is to totally end things from this man and walk away to never look back. It makes me sad to think you have wasted 2 years of your life on a lecherous old man. I honestly don't know how you put up with it! So busy staring at women that he walks into things, causes accidents and totally humiliates him and you?? Why are you second guessing yourself? Don't! He shows you no love or respect acting the way he does. You deserve far better than this you must know that. He really is the kind of man that would give me the creeps and make me shudder if I seen him. A menace to society. One of these days he's going to go too far and some big strapping guy is going to knock him flat and he'll deserve it! Cut the ties and move on, there's really nothing to be confused about or think about. Let him go and think of him as yesterday's trash.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 April 2014):
 Yeah, that's "dirty old man" creepiness level here. You should have left in the first month. Why did you stick it out this long?? You've had two years of insanity thinking he's going to change, and he hasn't and won't, especially if he's blaming you for bringing it up.
Stop with the soft "put the engagement on hold" stuff, BREAK the relationship, and get him out of your life. You are 50% to blame for your wishy-washiness here. There are other guys out there and you know it! Get rid of this creep. Normally, I suspect insecurity when I hear stories like this, but if he's literally causing accidents, it's gone out of control. He's the type of guy who would go for the grope on a subway. Blech...that actually happened to me by a dirty old man on my first job, but I was faster than him. Disgusting.
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (18 April 2014):
You say: "I have talked this over with him and although he has apologised, he says I am too sensitive and he loves only me and sees only me."
Sees only you??! Really?!?! Is that why he's literally TRIPPING over tables and spilling hot coffee on babies?? Because he only sees you?? Please.
You're making the right decision. this guy sounds like a total creep and I wouldn't tolerate that shit for one second. blatantly starring at other women with your girlfriend literally right next to you is absurd and obnoxious. and even to take it so far as to actually follow a woman outside or shamelessly hit on her in front of you?? Just wow.
I'm like a man. I date women and when a hot girl walks by, I will take notice. But to say that a man can't help but to oogle is a shame and embarrassment to the male species. That's bullshit. Men have the capability of self-control and to not make complete assess out of themselves like that. In fact, I am friends with many who manage to do just that! Saying that he can't help it because he's a man is putting the male species down. if I'm in a relationship, like I currently am, I will NEVER look at another woman in the presence of my girlfriend. I want her to know she's the only woman I see. And I don't stare at other women when she's not around, either, because I think she's beautiful and no one else really compares anyway. But it's just simple respect. And I never want to disrespect her like that.
You're boyfriend (hopefully ex) is an ass and you should keep doing what you're doing and get rid of him and his nonsense once and for all. Let him have all these other women he's literally falling over himself to stare at. They'll probably throw him back, also. Creep.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 April 2014):
I found this recent post about ogling: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/should-i-cut-my-losses-now-my-new.html
In particular, please note this reply:
A female reader, I love cabbage! United Kingdom + ?, writes (16 March 2014):
I love cabbage! agony auntI was with an ogler. He actually did some crazy stuff, he would stop and turn and compliment others, walked into a lamp post, tripped over.. all because of someone attractive. I can laugh about it now but at the time it wore me down. He would also deny doing it, to make matters worse. He couldn't even control it going on holiday in the airport, he excused himself to go outside for a smoke and I noticed he was standing staring at some woman in tight jeans who he's spotted earlier but I was with him and when he saw me looking at him from the check-in queue, he literally scuttled outside. He even "eye-tracked" the air hostesses and I could see him checking out of the corner of his eye to see if I had noticed! He would try to minimise the disrespectful behaviour by telling me I was over-sensitive and that he was not prepared to stare at the ground all the time. I hadn't asked him to do that, so I did the same to him. I stopped and turned around and said, wow, did you see that guy's eyes. He said I was rude to do so, so he knew he was treating me badly.
Anything vaguely attractive in a skirt and he lost control. And he was very abusive in other ways, criticising many things about me.. without blowing my own trumpet, I get a lot of male attention.. but now I see he criticsed me to bring me down.. and ogling was also part of his agenda.
And he had been married twice before.....
I think there's a huge difference between noticing someone, maybe even a second look, but staring up and down for ages while you are with your partner, commenting on others, undressing others with your eyes, taking most of your energy away from a date when you should be focusing on your date, eye-clocking every single vaguely attractive person going by, is hugely disrespectful.
You have been dating this guy for one month. He has shown you who he is, if he really is ogling "proper", then he is behaving like a disrespectful lech during a stage of dating in which he is meant to be trying to impress you, NOT put you off. But you know what, he's actually doing you a massive favour. You know who he is now, cut him loose. It's a huge red flag and one which I wish I had heeded in the first week with the ex (yes he ogled, commented and flirted and then fell over in our first week together, lol, rather than going on to waste four years of my precious time.
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Please note her answer! I will message her and ask her to reply here! Best wishes!
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (18 April 2014):
You're wise to have broken off the engagement to this guy....
You'll be even wiser when you put him out of your life completely....
What a creep!!!!
Good luck....
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2014): I find it hard to understand how you put up with this behavior so long? You have allowed the man to disrespect you for years; and you question your judgement behind your decision.
Could you have tolerated this carrying-on through a marriage? There is such thing as over-tolerance of bad behavior, and you you win the prize for having the highest possible threshold.
Having a man in your life shouldn't require enduring his disrespect, and being made a fool of in public.
You let your feelings attach and dismissed something that consistently bothered you for years with that man. Staring like that sounds like the guy is a bit off.
You'll just have to let yourself ride out the emotions you're experiencing now.
Watching your husband, stare down other women would have surely felt worse.
I find it hard to believe he stared so hard, yet never did anything in follow-up to his intense habit of staring-down other women. I'm sorry, you must be in major denial. That guy had to be cheating behind your back. Tripping over things and running into tables; because he was so distracted, while his own lady was next to him, says an awful lot about how little regard he has for your feelings.
You were his stand-in female-companion. He settled for you. While really wanting an entirely different type of woman.
What captivated his attention, were the types of women he preferred. If you're really into the woman you're with, you're not that taken away by the vision of other women.
Of course a pretty lady can turn your head. Just as you will lock your eyes on a particularly stunning gentleman. You wouldn't flip tables over a total stranger!
You wrote a very long post. That is how deeply he has hurt you. It's also your testimonial of how badly you feel for tolerating it so long, and putting up with it. It only got worse. You played it off. The sad thing is he was totally oblivious to your reaction during these trances.
You'll get over him. Read your post and visualize all the times you stood there watching him stare down other women and tripping over his dick.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2014): I would have walked when he said you were sick in the head for expecting some basic respect. You deserve better. Does he show you the love you show him? When you answer this to yourself you will know what to do.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 April 2014):
Get a friend to record him in public with you, in the pub, on the street, so that you can show him how his behaviour looks to an objective eye.
Having advised that, I don't see this relationship surviving without some outside help. You're noticing other men, you have 2 years of resentful feelings built up, he has called you
ungrateful (what you owe him something?)
jealous (well, der)
sick in the head --now THAT'S the one where I would have walked. Sick in the head? Um, nope, thanks, buh bye.
Good luck with figuring things out. You're in the 41-50 year age range so presumably you have acquired some relationship wisdom.
What happened with your previous relationships, why did they end? Maybe there's a pattern in the men you choose?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2014): "We generally get on well" and "plan to live together soon, we got engaged recently" shouldn't be in the same sentence. You don't mention loving him, yet you want to marry him?
Get un-engaged and leave him.... He's a peeping tom essentially, who isn't interested in you as any more than a company when he's scouting out the local beauty.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2014): He sounds disgusting to be honest. I would not want to be seen in public with a man who is that out of control of himself. This is something most people learn to correct when they are young- he doesn't seem to want to change at all. I'm sure the women he is looking at notice his behaviour as well and probably don't enjoy it any more than you do. Sorry to say that your fiance sounds like one of those guys that young girls try to avoid... a bonafide 'creep'. We all look at and notice attractive people of our preferred sex, but the vast majority of us (men and women) have the common decency not to make a cartoonish show of it.
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