A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 33 years old have been with my husband for 17 years and married for nearly 11. We have had the usual marriage probs but have always pulled through until a few days ago he dropped the bomb shell that he no longer loves me. I'm devastated, we have talked about this and he said that the reason he feels this way is because he doesnt feel loved by me anymore. For the sake of our children we really want to try and make it work but I cant get over the fact he doesnt love me. How can I move on from that? How can I make him love me again? I dont know how to act around him - I don't know whether to hug him and kiss him and show him I love him knowing that he doesnt love me. I'm totally destroyed and don't know what to do. Can we ever recover from this?
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male
reader, GrimmReality  +, writes (29 May 2009):
 Well that is good news. Now the hard part starts, but you are making a giant leap by recognizing what is going on. Best of Luck to you from all of us and please give us an update when you feel it appropriate!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone - its been nearly a week since I posted this - this week we went away overnight leaving the children with nan, had a lovely time. We spent time together and talked.
The problem is we have forgotten each other existed, we no longer talked, laughed, showed affection, spent time together and remembered why we fell in love in the first place, with children around is easy to get caught up in the whirlwind and forget about ourselves. But after a long long chat he said he does love me but dropped the bombshell because thats how he felt at the time, he felt unloved by me therefore had pushed his love for me aside and we both stopped communicating!
So we are learning to get to know each other again spending time together and will both give it our very best to make our mariage work for ourselves as well as our children.
Thank you for your advice I am confident that with effort from both of us we can get through this and make our marriage work. x
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (24 May 2009):
YES! GET YOUR BUTTS INTO MARRIAGE COUNSELING ASAP! And you both have to be completely honest in your efforts or its gonna be DOA.You have been together for so long, and you are relatively young still. MC for sure. Because no one wakes up one morning and decides that they don't love their spouse anymore. So get into Counseling. You can save it, but you both must have full commitment to the process.
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A
female
reader, fabulousone +, writes (24 May 2009):
You only want to work through this because of the kids?That's the sh*tiest reason to ever work through anything. The kids aren't married to the guy. You are. So why don't you work through it for the sake of your marriage.Because if the kids are the only reason; well..that's not a good enough reason to stay together.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2009): Gosh, I know all to well, the heartbreaking feeling that occurs in a woman heart, when her husband, just one day wakes up and says 'he doesn't love her, anymore'. Your posting brought back a whack of memories for me, girl. :) Like you, I found myself living with someone, I didn't know any more. It's the most lost feeling when this happens, isn't it. And my heart goes out to you. When a couple love each other, we are confident to be ourselve's completely, with each other..quirks and all. And then suddenly, we find out this person doesn't love us anymore, it's almost as if we are living with a stranger. In my case, the emotional distance was likely caused by the routine of marriage and children. There are a ton of distractions after the children are born, and a lot more responsibilties. And a wife can be overwhelmed taking care of everyone. And sometimes, couples can drift apart emotionally...forgetting to work at the marriage. But this is not just your responsibilty..it was his, too. I know of many couples who take 'breaks' from each other, when these things happen. They give each other 'space'. They quickly realize that 'talking and discussing' is not going to work at this point in time. Because the fact remains, he does not love you and he's shutting you out. So please, do not force him to talk about his feelings. This rarely goes well and most men will simply state that they have nothing to say. They just remain in 'shut down' mode. They've given up so why would they waste their time..discussing. So, if you continually try and get your husband to open up about his feelings, when he doesn't want to, you will create even more of a distance between the two of you. I am going to suggest something. Take a holiday, a few weeks away from him. Tell him you need some time away to think things over. Sometimes, this can be helpful because with you and the kids gone away to visit family, friends for a few weeks, can create a void in his life. Sometimes when you remove yourself from the daily home routine, he may realize how much he does love you and he may miss you and his family. But, the very worst thing you can do, is get emotionally upset, cry, beg and plead with him. He has no invested feelings here anymore. He will just shut down...ignoring you and viewing you with disdain and disrespect. Do not put yourself through that. You need to hold it together and be strong. Keep your pride intact. You need to let him know that although you still love him, that you accept what he is feeling. He wants to be respected and he needs your acknowlegment. This keeps the trust in place, that he feels for you and that is important for men to feel that emotional trust with his wife..meaning you. See how that works. If it doesn't then I am not sure anything else you do will 'make him love you', dear. Marriage counselling might help and should be considered. But really, you can't make someone love you, when they simply don't. My own story ended sadly, in a way. But more for the husband than myself. We separated. I accepted that he didn't love me although my heart was breaking inside. I told him he needed to go and get his feelings sorted out. A year later, he wanted back in our lives. I told him a flat out no. I had healed and recovered and was much happier without him. lol Unfortunately, I now viewed him as a liabiltiy. I'd rather be alone, than have such a confused, man who could just 'stop loving me'. Why would I put up with his confusion and BS? And I have to say, I have grown stronger, developed myself into a more independant, career woman, sought out new friends and I began dating! I am so much happier! As it sits now, it's 9 years later, divorced and I am in another relationship, with someone else, and we look forward to a happy future together.
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A
male
reader, StudentOfLife  +, writes (24 May 2009):
 I would give "The five love languages" book by author Gary Chapman a try.
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