A
female
age
36-40,
*y091604
writes:I recently had a baby, he's 2 months now. About 3 weeks ago I left my husband for a week so we could get some issues settled so we could continue our marriage happily. We also have one other child that is almost 4 yrs. old now. I'm breastfeeding the 2 month old and if you know anything bout it you don't sheed the pounds anytime soon or even until you stop.As soon as we got home from the hospital he saw my body and said" OMG you look like your still 5 months preg." that hurt but what's worse is that since I've been home I'v been finding more and more upsetting things on the computer. I don't accept porn of any sort. We have had a fight over it bfore and he knows it's not acceptable and I won' put up with it. I've also found out that he's recently made up a new e-mail address. He knows that I know his address password so he got a nrw alias one... I feel like he's living a secret life. I often wonder if he's meeting other women, being secretive bout it all. I'm really scared we've been together 6yrs. I'm beging to be numb to him, also he won't let me have friends. Please give me some good advice other than counceling because I don't feel like being filled with b.s. bout it's healthy because we all know fantisizing n masturbating to other men/women is NOT healthy!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2008): sorry darling but you do come across as extremely controlling and self-centred. you dont like porn but that gives you no rights to try to control his viewing of it with your constant prying just because he does it privately in consideration of YOUR feelings. you found no evidence of him being unfaithful to you in any way so decided to create "proof" yourself by trapping the poor man with your horrid sneaky trickery. we can only hope he takes the bait and this one-sided relationship ends as a result as it's obvious that you have issues about men in general darling not just your husband.
A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (20 April 2008):
 Sweetheart do safeguard yourself and your children and yes you have set a huge trap for him, so clever girl, you will find out one way or another.
Just don't give in to the sex if it makes you feel uncomfortable, you do need to talk to him about how his comments have hurt you to the core and why you feel like you don't want to be intimate with him. Tell him that after the insults the last thing you want to do is get up close and personal with the insulter.
Do check out your rights though and put yourself and your children first NOT him.
At the end of the day you either want to make it work with him or not and if you don't get outside professional help that you both agree to then something has to give as you CANNOT keep going on like this and literally making yourself sick. You need to be strong for your children as you are their carer. Consider yourself FIRST OK.
Make sure your family support you and tell them about how you are finding things hard right now. You don't have to go into the finer details but have the support network around you as you may find some comfort from that.
Keep us posted OK.
BFN
Country Woman
P.S. Thinking of you OK.
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A
female
reader, ty091604 +, writes (20 April 2008):
ty091604 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe thing with my situation is that I think he got the address to either meet new women or use it as a login for other websites. What I have done and will continue to do until he gives in I have opened my own new account and new myspace page. I have e-mailed him as another woman and sent him an invite from my myspace page. And if he replies I think he's cheating or wanting to and if he doesn't I think he's just using it for a login. Either way it's unexceptable. He knows I'm upset and he I think knows I've found something because yes he has been acting kinda jumpy when he sees me on the computer and then I act upset. Which I am very much so. As the porn thing it's very upsetting and I do believe he's looking at it to masturbate. Not cool... I have just layed there and had sex with him because he wants it and I don't or please him in other ways he likes. I'm not sure what it is that he likes about it? He knowss I'm willing to try anything just about other thatn bringing others into the relationship. I don't think it would bother me as much if he wasn't doing it here where I could find it, like with his boss or something, but not for the thought of pleasure. I'm so sick to my stomach I've been literally sick for days now. I don't want to have any kinda sex oral or anyting because of this. He has asked me before what's wrong and asked me if I want to talk about anything, but he sorta has a temper about things. That's why we had our split. I just don't know what to do. As for the male writers it's not just men that want the fantacy women do to they just know how to control themselves and not be so... damn inconsiderate. We respect alot of men for their decisions.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2008): He doesn't sound very tactful but that doesn't necessarily mean he is cheating. Could the two of you talk about what you do want sexually and see whether you can provide the extra excitement he wants? Don't do anything you don't want to, you are right to stick to your guns in that respect.
Don't let him keep you away from your friends. That would be very unhealthy and make you too dependent on him. Why does he want to keep you away from them anywa.
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A
female
reader, ladybug23 +, writes (18 April 2008):
I'm dealing with the same issues with my husband with the porn and some cell phone issues as I wrote in a question.I dont believe in porn neither.I beleive people sex life should stay private.Porn is one of the most caused problems in a marriage .If you would like you can email me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2008): Hi Hun,
Firstly none of this is your fault none of it you believe that now and he is way out of line telling you you still look 5 months pregnant !
What a inconsiderate selfish man.
The porn thing is a real problem mines started with that and went onto use prostitutes for years behind my back using saunas, brothels, private flats, sex chatlines etc; now that's not to say yours is doing that but and it is a big BUT anyone starting down the porn road eventually wants to do the real thing!! hence the e-mail address? he sounds to me as if he is taking steps to arrange to meet up with other woman now this surely has got to be your priority here to find out as much as you can if he is!
You have a baby and a toddler and i have found through this site a lot of men start to wander after this whether it is the sex drive after having a baby is putting them off whatever the reason is it seems they want to roam!
The porn viewing is the 1st indication he is wanting aroused through other means and believe you me it will only be a matter of time before he wants fantasy to become reality!!
Try to get this nipped in the bud i wished i had mines told me the porn led to him wanting to try out things he saw on it!! not with me though with whores! no strings you see just sex without a tie!
I feel for you as having just had a baby you will be low your self esteem will be low but try and take this time to enjoy your baby and be good to yourself get on a ME Course! and look after yourself too you are the victim here not him! and if he can't be good to you then you do it for yourself and kids.
If you really want your marriage to work and i think you do i suggest you get him firstly to open up about his online shenanigans and if he denies it get proof and show him, tell him you are leaving him maybe even threaten to leave him with the baby and toddler!! if that does'nt get him to wake up and smell the coffee and come back to reality he is a fool!
Get your friends round to the house asap don't listen to him you have your friends who i think you really need right now i would get all the moral support i could also if he has been cheating on you then both of you will need health checks! it is not pleasant but if you are having sex with him and you are breast feeding and he is cheating then he has to be confronted about this!
Do all this and you will be able to tell by his actions and facial expressions don't take no for an answer keep at him badger him threaten him with leaving him with the kids and tell him see if you can meet up with god knows who when you have a 2 month old baby!!! His face will be a picture let me tell you!!
I do hope you get this sorted i wished i had found out away in the begining instead of years down the line look for all the clues check his phone, pockets, everything clothes etc; mines told me he used to hide his money in his socks!!
So check everything and eventually he will slip up if he knows you are on to him he will get jumpy and careless make him as nervous as you feel and he will come clean eventually as both of you will not be able to live like that, you see he may be getting away with it the now but if you leave this and ignore it trust me you will have much bigger problems later on so find out be a nosey parker ask ask ask!!!
I wish you well.
Ann
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (18 April 2008):
Hmmm been there and done it sweetheart.
My relationship changed after I had my daughter and due to the fact that lots of things were going on after she was born meant that I had no emotional support so I could not give myself to my partner on a sexual level and when she was 7 months old he started to talk to someone online. Not a dating site at that time but he didn't meet up with this person for a year and then he saw her not on a fully sexual level until I found out 2 years later.
I was completely blind to it as I never used to go anywhere near his computer but did one day for work reasons as we worked from home and he was out at a seminar one day and an email hadn't got through. I felt sick to my stomach when I read some of his emails and so the cat was out of the bag.
If your still very much into seeing to the needs of your new baby boy then your husband is not giving you the space and time you need, he is putting his needs first. I think what he said to you is bang out of order as he knew that it would hurt you, if love is in a relationship you don't slag off the mother of your new born son like that.
If your love life is non existent then yes he has gone down the porn online route which was exactly what my ex did as well. It can turn into a real life situation if he decides to start talking to someone online or visiting dating sites, the only true way of knowing that is seeing if there is any history on his computer of what sites he has recently visited online.
You need to talk about all of this and if he is not prepared to then you need to think about putting yourself and your children first.
If he is allowed to talk or do things online then why keep you so alone that is just not on and why is he doing that, so you don't get sensible advice from other women or what?
If you have a home together and have a mortgage then I think it is time for you to find out what your rights are concerning you and your children. I know things working differently in the US compared to the UK so start to think about what you want out of life.
If he is keeping secrets now then it won't change I'm afraid as the virtual world is so much easier than the real world and if he starts staying out or not making plausible reasons for where he is then you know full well something is amiss. Why should you be left holding the baby and not having any female friends to support you.
I know that after having children post natal depression can kick in and part of my problem was definitely that and my ex absolutely disgusted me - he hadn't done anything at the time apart from not giving me emotional support but it didn't take him long to get comfort from another female even if that was just chatting for a year to begin with.
You either need to sit down and talk it through properly and yes even though you don't want to hear it perhaps counselling is the only way that both of you can get the truth out to someone who is impartial, however it needs both of you to consent to that and if either one of you doesn't then you either need to talk it through or move forward.
You must have rights to the family home and your children and I think that is what you need to check out. Do that before you even talk to your husband but don't start telling him all of that if you get into an argument or start to talk about things. Just try and talk rationally first. However if he ignores it all then the ball really is in your court.
Don't let yourself be treated like a doormat and don't let your children grow up with someone who doesn't treat their mother with respect and love which is what you deserve.
Here any time OK.
Be strong and find the inner mother strength and get active on finding out what you want out of life OK.
BFN
Country Woman
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2008): Sweetheart why do you feel you need this loser...he's not good for you or your kids...leave hi to his porn and find a man who appreciates the body of a real woman
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