A
female
age
36-40,
*eVaughn'sMommy08
writes:Hi there,Umm this is my first time on here and I read some people's posts and well I really need an answer to my problems.I've been going to therapy for the past 2 1/2 months because my Husband of 1 year said that I'm to emotional. I did it for him. Well he's military and has been to war 2x as a sniper and has PTSD...My concern is with the porn and masturbation... Why does he have to do it? I've told him in the beginning how it makes me feel. I grew up around porn. I don't really give 2 cents about it.It doesn't turn me on to watch it...but I tried to give him a compromise on saying I'd watch it with him. He told me it was to weird and he's lied to me about watching it,he does it behind my back thinking I wont know...I today realized that I can look in the history and found out the 3 months he said he wasn't doing it...He Was!! Even on my b-day. I'm so hurt inside that I don't know what to do or how to except this. I was molested at a young age and to watch a woman get banged by a man on the computer or any other way is just wrong to me. I've asked him time and time again but it just seems like my words fall on deaf ears...I'm tore up from all of this.I have a 14 month old lil boy that knows him as daddy and I don't want to raise him alone...but should I keep taking this hurt from him?? I don't feel that I deserve it.Granted that he provides for us and I'm a stay at home mom...But I also have needs.He said to me tonight that he's gonna continue to look at porn whether I like it or not because he enjoys watching it. Well I'm self conscious with myself.I've had a child and have the proud stripes to show for it. My boobs may not be as perky as they should be at the ripe age of 22 but I can't help that. Or the 40 extra pounds I gained from the shot for birth control...I'm now at the same weight I was when I delivered. Yet he doesn't tell me I'm not beautiful let alone that I am either. He says he's emotionally closed off and he'll never change. Because his mother taught him that if someone doesn't like you for you then they can go and f***K off...I'm so torn with staying for my son...but leaving for my sanity and dignity. He told me that I'm immature,I have demons that I need to figure out with myself,as well as issues and that it's just porn,I'm crying over spilled milk and I'm doing this all to myself.Yet he didn't offer to help me get through it wither... I'm sorry but I feel that once you get married you give up the eyes for us!You wanna look at porn you do it together...you wanna look at porn by yourself...then you need to be single.To me he's disrespecting me,and not caring about how it makes me feel. I have done nothing to lie to him,to hide anything from him...and yet he's done all of thee above. How do you expect to build a relationship off of that...Someone please help me here...Am I in the wrong in this situation?? Do I need to grow the hell up and get over the fact that my husband whom I married and we said our vows to one another to love trust and honor that it's ok for him to look at other naked woman,because it's just porn??? Or does he really need to think about whats more important??? Our marriage and the child were trying to raise... or his past time activities because they make him happy??? I asked him since he's doing that to make him happy,can I go to bars on the weekends because that makes me happy and pretty said yea when were divorced... To me it makes me feel like I can't make him happy,I can't fulfill his needs,but yet I also can't be happy...even though he says it's not that...he just likes doing it because he likes doing.Then he tells me I'm judging him?? Am I?? I don't have a clue...I tell him I don't like it and how it makes me feel and yet he says I'm judging him and trying to change him???!!! Am I the bad guy because he makes me out to be. If we split I have no where to go...I'm just not sure how to get through this to make this marriage work...Please help me here.I'm so lost,and hurting inside from all this. =[
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female
reader, DeVaughn'sMommy08 +, writes (3 December 2011):
DeVaughn'sMommy08 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Ok, WOW!! lol
UPDATE!::: As of today December 3 2011, I am still Married to my said porn addicted husband.
We are going on 4 years come January 12th. He is still in the service currently serving in Afghanistan until May 2012. We had another son May 30 2010.
I'm back home taking care of our boys and supporting him during these hard times the best that I can as well as trying to keep my sanity when it comes to being a single parent since these past 7 months(with no help from family mine nor his)... It'z not easy and I give it up to you single mother's and father's, I COMMEND YOU!
He was never watching hard core porn or the porn you gotta pay to see... I do our finance's I will see that, we share a bank account, his paychecks drop into that account.
His interest were more the home movies type. People who upload their own vids.
Since 2009, I've gone through a lot with him and his so called addiction. More Incidents, more fights, I even left this year for 2 days in April, and I'd never left him before...not EVER! He'd tried new ways to hide it, looking at in on his iPhone that we'd bought in 2010. To deleting his history on the computer... He tried everything he could think of, even buying an app for a password protected web browser. That he purchased from MY iTunes account thinking I wouldn't find out because I didn't have an iPhone anymore. lol
To even trying to deny the app that he didn't know why it was on his phone, it must of re-downloaded from his other iPhone when he synced it to the comp... WOW! really... like I was gonna believe that for one second... Then once again, we tried to make it work, I tried to believe him that he was sorry, that he'd stop... I mean we have literally been through hell since 2009. I started going out to bars, hanging out with one of his guy friends from work nearly every weekend, and he didn't seem to blink an eye to it...
Granted I was pushing nearly 200lbs at a height of 5'9"... But I looked good, to A LOT of people. bahaha
but that'z neither here nor there. What this all has lead up to is us trying to make a compromise to one another before he'd deployed. I told him if you don't look at it during deployment then when you get home you can put it in my a** when ever you want(stupid, i know... but can one guy tell me he would not love to have that opportunity that if his wife or gf gave him that option that they wouldn't say HELL YEA!)
About 3 months in, and a month before he came home for RNR I had asked him over Skype if he'd been looking at porn? Because also prior to the promise, and compromise I made videos for him, videos of us doing it, videos of me whoopin it, pics of me... anything I could think of. He told me no because why would he? he has our stuff to watch.. So I didn't bother to dig any further, it sounded convincing enough.
Until not even 24 hours of him being home he's passed out on the couch and I decided to trifle through MY laptop, yes it was mine that he'd had over there with him, my brand new 800$ lappy that I hadn't had for maybe 3 months and was more then willing to let him take it and I kept his 2005 comp with me. Anywho I noticed his history wasn't consistent, it was all over the place with times... so I googled like I always do when I need to find a solution to something and found out that even if one does delete the history it is never deleted like you'd think. It'z stored on the hard drive, and on things called, INDEX.DAT files.
Well well I thought to myself... do I want to take this chance and ruin our rnr that I have with him, and try to begin to trust again, or do I want to go with my gut feeling on this that I'm telling myself he'z a liar, he'll never be honest with me no matter what I try to do for him... yeaa sooo I decided to go with my gut and I looked. I downloaded the analyzer, and I'd found porn... yep PORN!... even after all the videos he'd had of us, me... it made me feel even more like crap, like i was never gonna be enough, that the porn would always come first over me. I tried to explain to him over Skype like hey I'd understand with the circumstances at hand that if your gonna look then fine, I'd get it, I'm here your there and your in a war zone do what you gotta do to relieve that tension and stress. But he still said he hadn't been looking.
When I'd found that, my heart was shattered, ripped into a million teeny tiny pieces... I was numb...
Well fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me... but more like fool me 15x, damn I'M MENTALLY HANDICAPPED!!!
I didn't scream, didn't yell like i'd been doing, just calmly said lets go for a drive, and left it at that. I discussed with him his actions and I always want to know why? Why are you doing this to me? Why are you lying to me?
The porn does bother me, but what really chaps my a** is the fact that he can't own up to it, that his excuse is because he doesn't want to hurt me, or upset me so he hides it and lies... well umm maybe if you didn't do it, you wouldn't have to hide it, you wouldn't have to lie and in the end either way your hurting me anyways and your hurting yourself as well... because by lying your only making it harder on yourself for me to trust you... EVER! It'z better to be trusted then it is to be loved.
He's even told me the same thing that a women in my comments even mentioned at one point... and I quote her "I could have punched his face in when he told me that when he looks at it, he does not look at the other women, but the "act" of the two having sex." Yep heard that this year... along with every single time he's looked he's not looking at it to intentionally hurt me, he was just wanting something new... Which made me blow a effing gasket... I instantly went overboard... YOU DON'T THINK I'M SEXY, YOUR NOT ATTRACTED ARE YOU, YOU WANTED SOMETHING NEW AS IN A NEW WOMAN TO LOOK AT, A NEW BODY, A BETTER BODY, WITH NO STRETCH MARKS, NICE FIRM BUTT AND BOOBS, SKINNY WITH A FLAT TUMMY!
He tried to tell me that I took what he said out of context... I asked how so? Because the videos he was looking at were of moves we've already done and of one's he has of us doing it... so why couldn't he just look at ours...?
In the first 4 months of him being deployed I'd lost 15-lbs
so when he came home for rnr, I was not as big as I was when he'd left... so that was a crushing blow to my efforts to better myself and my self esteem, because i truly really do believe a lot of this stemmed and started back in 2009 because of my weight gain, as much as he'd deny it when i'd ask him, i get that feeling that it does.
I ended up installing a team viewer on mine and his computer so when he went back i could remote control his laptop from mine and get into his history and check it out as well as the index.dat files... then once he was gone I installed a web browser/key logger onto it a month ago just for my piece of mind that way if he was to try and use a incognito internet browser, I will still see it, because the one I downloaded i paid a good amount of money for and it takes screen shots of whatever your doing especially if anything sexual registered, any word any image, does not matter! and it sends it back to me in my online account. I have been checking that out for the past month and I'm proud to say that he has not looked, that the last time he had looked was back in June July time frame. So I'm trying to trust again, and he's realized and has grown up a lot since 2009, he's not hard and cold hearted with his heartlessness words like once before. He's grown to become a softy, very squishy that is. I call him my squishy!!
He'z opened up to me more, he'z become more emotional. I would not say he has changed, I would like to say that he's adapted and has overcome... That no matter how much I may of wanted him to kick the habit, he had to want to stop himself, he had to finally open his eyes and see that he was gong to lose everything he loves, his boys(because he is one hell of a daddy! i give him that!!) and his wife who he believes he does not deserve and that to this day still believes I'm out of his league. Granted yea, I'm good looking, but that doesn't mean that if you have me don't go and try to do what you can to lose me... You can not help who you fall in love with, and I'm in love with him. I didn't divorce him because I to have learned that it's not so much the commitment to the person but more to the marriage it's self. That if people kept getting married based off of feelings "because i love him/her" and more on were more focused on the marriage it's self in general there wouldn't be as half of the divorces there are these days. People change, just like feelings do. Feelings come and go, no one is perfect and if you fall out of love then it's that marriage that ties you together to work on it, to get back to that loving feeling, but you have to want it, you have to work at it! If your or they don't then yes it will fail.
People can change, but only by their own doings, not others.I'm staying committed to this marriage, to myself(to not be like my parents and to my babier.Now that I'm down 35- lbs and he's all sorts of goo goo gaa gaa over me (which just proves my point that it had a lot to do with the weight) that he was to scared to tell me... In the next couple of days I will find out EVERYTHING for the reasons and why's this had all began 2 1/2 years ago. He took the time to sit down and write it all down for me in a letter. This deployment has made him a better man, he has made himself a better man, to realizing that he needs me, just as much as i need him, and that our boys are his whole world. Being away from us for so long and everything that happened during RNR, has turned him around...NO LIES, NO PORN(unless it's our vids) this time it's not his words that I'm going to believe it's his actions. Since July, he's been making an effort.
I'm a very sexual person. I love sex, IT IS A DRUG AND IT IS AN ADDICTION... but only when it's with the right person. and I mean literally "PERSON" not your hand and an image on a screen. I'd tell him do me when ever you want, you wake up and you want it, then lets do it! I'm always down for some boom boom time!! Even if I don't get mine, at least I'm still going to be satisfied that I know that he got his and it was because of me, not porn.
Thank you all again for your comments, I know this is a touchy subject on both ends of the gender line.
Some woman don't mind it, some love it just as much and are also addicted. While others like myself are offended by our men watching it. For instance, I bought a dildo called Adam because it was molded from a guy who's name was Adam and DAMN! it was quite mold. lol
I got it for laughs, you could suction cup it to pretty much anything. Well he took offense to it, didn't like it, wanted me to throw it out because it made him feel like he couldn't stack up to that. He thought I actually wanted to use it. But I respected his wishes and how it made him feel and let him throw it out. I told him, how would you feel if I did to you on Adam what you've been doing to me over porn?
It makes me happy! It satisfies me! What if I went out and bought a new one every time you threw it out, and hid it from you and denied it, or I left it out on the bed when you'd come home for lunch, and if you'd ask if I just used it, I'd tell you no, one of the kids must of found it besides I have you, your all the man I need baby... I don't need that thing... but then later that night when your ready to do it, I'll tell you, I'm good, Adam took care of me. Or if he was to get on my phone and find me looking at pictures of guys with huge wieners, and ripped bodies, or videos of guys whoopin it. WOULD THAT NOT MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE LESS OF A MAN AND THINK THAT YOUR NOT PLEASING YOUR WOMAN, THAT YOUR NOT GOOD ENOUGH THAT SHE HAS TO RESORT TO THE COMPUTER, HER PHONE, AND A TOY!!!!
It's like I'm cheating, but I'm not... It all goes hand in hand...
All's fair in love and war, right?
Take your Significant others feelings into consideration, respect their wishes next time and maybe we wouldn't have to be so vindictive.
CHEERZ TO ALL AND GOOD LUCK WITH YOU LOVE, SEX, AND LIEZ
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2009): to all who wrote...
the one thing porn really is
it is a lie
it is selfish
it is sin
it IS adultry
it is an addiction
it is a multi billion dollar business
Most of those porn stars are already dead... even the men
either by STD , suiside or drug overdoses
but then they grab that next lost soul on the street and offer them a way to make "a lot" of money ...yet it is the pushers and producers that are the ones who are really making the big money.
They numb the woman up with drugs and feed the men viagra
so they can continually proform
Pron is taking sex and bringing it to its lowest level
God gave sex to a man and woman to enjoy each other....and that is PART of what it means to be intimate but sex is not all that intimacy is.
Read the definition of intimacy.
Pron kills the true intimacy in a relationship.
It takes intimacy between 2 people and destroys it.Porn is selfish and self absorbing . That is why the person who are viewing porn secretly ...all alone they can enjoy the sex act and misinterpete the reason God created sex .
It takes the intimacy and love , a gift God has given us to know and desire and throws it on the floor to be trampled upon. Their love becomes empty Sex/pron is all they think about Sex/porn becomes their God .
if people... especially men knew the TRUTH and opened their eyes to THAT TRUTH about porn really is and all it does to ones mind body and soul it would not be turning them on.
Every day those actors and actrsess that preform in porn are being abused and used.
They get all those woman drug addicted so they are so drugged up that they will do whatever it takes to keep her legs open for them to film.
Once they get them addicted to drugs she is theirs she needs the money to feed the addiction they put her on.
Most end up killing themselves since they see no other way out. They become depressed and feel worthless and in reality hate sex... and have become an empty shell in a womans body .They begin to hate men . Its not the man they want ..its the money to survive is what they want.
Pron is void of everything true intimacy is.
and it is a lie it is abuse it is selfish it is adultry it is sin and it brings death as its reward to both the peolpe in porn and the ones viewing it !!!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2009): Hunny take it from me. Your husband is addicted to porn and sex... I know because your letter sounds as though I wrote it . I have been married to the same kind of man for 40 years now and he is still addicted to porn and sex. Because of his addiction he has gone to prostitutes and has had affairs and has given his prize that he got from a prostitute ... genital herpes... and I have to keep being tested for HIV (aids)So unless you too want to live the next 40 years being second to his addiction you should run as fast as you can now while you still have your youth and health. Porn has totally cut off the intimacy we at one time shared. He will always resent you for wanting him to stop his addiction. Please know that there is NOTHING wrong with you and what you are feeling. He is the one with the twisted thoughts and you are the one who has a sain mind, Is there a church you can go to??? If getting to a church is not posible try Focus on The Family weg sight. They do have a link for this perblem and do give great insight to this problem. the web sight is www.focusonthefamily.com I hope this helps and i hope you can find the answers you need...
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A
male
reader, bluesman +, writes (19 August 2009):
A lot of women hate porn because it is demeaning to them in some way. Most men hate women who hate porn. Secretly, or not so secretly, men wish women were as hot for sex as they were. They hear about all these young girls that perform all of these sexual acts so free and easy who have no qualms about doing anything, anywhere, anytime. When they watch porn they are wishing, hoping, praying that they were the lucky guy in the video. They wonder why they can't get a woman to adore them like that (and have it be real without paying for it). The guy needs to realize that he is being very seriously duped and made to look like a complete fool. The pornographers are laughing all the way to the bank with your husband's money in his pocket. The women in porn only act that way because they are getting paid to do it. C'mon guys, do you really believe women are turned on by gagging on a penis? Or having two of them rammed up her a**? All of this is created by other men who are essentially pushers. They know what you crave and they have found a way to make a very easy buck. Don't give them anymore of yourself-F*** Them! The bastards don't give two turds about you, just like any drug dealer. Would you give your hard earned money to some crack dealer? The women of porn are the saddest victims in the equation. Imagine being a runaway from an abusive home and getting suckered into doing some stuff on video so you can eat or feed your child (that you had when you were 15) this month? You want to believe they are all hot and horny young girls but you know down deep they are scared kids who never got the right love they needed from whoever made them. Some of them are just stupid sluts that would screw anyone and they are right were they belong. But, is that where you want to be? Do you really want to help perpetuate trafficking in women, kidnapping of innocent children, rape? That's what porn is really about-I know you know what I'm talking about-as much as you might want to ignore it-those are the facts. Wise up, be a man, love your wife, protect your kids. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2009): In addition to my previous post (I'm the "hindsight is 20-20"), something you need to realize and take into consideration. Porn is an addiction, and as with any other addiction, it is progressive. After a while a man is no longer satisfied with one level but needs to move on to the next. First he will view naked women. Next he may move on to videos, then maybe videos of hardcore porn and then adultery. It is well documented that most men who molest and rape started with porn. If your husband refuses to change, get out now! Your child could be in danger, if not now, maybe in the years to come.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2009): Hindsight, they say, is 20-20. Let me tell you about my hindsight. When I first found out about my husband's porn habit (he got fired for watching porn at work), we had been married for 4 years. Now it has been nearly 16. If I could go back and do it all over again, I would divorce him immediately and raise my children on my own. He claims over and over again that he is no longer doing it, but then I find evidence on the computer that proves he is lying...again. I have suffered all these years because of him. I kept thinking, AND he kept saying, he would change, but he never completely let go of his habit. My children are now 12 and 13, and they know what he has done. It is because of them that I didn't leave my husband. I didn't want to hurt them. But now I realize that it would have been better if I had done it when they were 2 and 3. They would have gotten over him easier. When they were 2 and 3, I left him several times for about a month each time. I was surprised to find that they didn't miss him. They never even as much as asked about him. So, if your man has no intentions of changing, save yourself some suffering and leave while your child is young. It will be easier on both of you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2009): I know exactly how you feel. I have been having the same issue with my boyfriend of 1 1/2 years. Earlier in our relationship I told him I don't want him to look at porn b/c it makes me feel like CRAP!! He promised me he would not look at it anymore...well a couple days ago I look in the history on the computer, behold, I find porn sites! I was so pissed and hurt. Not to mention he was looking at it while he was watching my daughter!! I was, and still am, mad that he lied to me. I confronted him about it, and he said he didn't want to tell me b/c he did not want to hurt my feelings. I have lost my job and being a stay at home mom (which he is not the father) has been stressing me out. He says our sex life is horrible. I say, it takes two to tango baby! Again he promised me he would not do it anymore.
But how in the hell am I supposed to believe him? What else is he keeping from me? I hate being at home when he is; we don't even say a word to each other or look at each other. Also, he has been sleeping on the couch. Fine by me! It makes me sick to think that he needs to look at porn to be sexually happy. Sex! It's all about sex. What happened to relationships being about love and trust?
I am torn as to what I should do. I love him to death but there are major trust issues. I suggest we go see a counselor, even though money is tight, but I don't see this being something we can fix on our own. Porn is an addiction. Just like with any addiction, professional help is needed. Since I have caught him, I am no longer sexually happy with him. I am even more self-conscious about myself. He thought what he was doing was a great idea, yet in the long run he has ruined us. How can I have sex with him without wondering if he is enjoying it while thinking about all the porn he has looked at?
I told my boyfriend since my legs aren't open 24/7 for him I don't mind if he masturbates, as long as it is not to porn. I know he has an imagination in that pea-sized brain of his. I am so tired of reading the same responses from men on other sites about this situation, "men are visual people". Don't give me that crap, we all are! But we can use our imagination; that is what is there for.
I could have punched his face in when he told me that when he looks at it, he does not look at the other women, but the "act" of the two having sex. He then continues to tell me he thinks about us having sex while he is watching it. Ha what a joke. Not only did he say that but, when I asked him about him going on 10 porn sites in one day, his response was he doesn't jerk off every time he looks at porn. So what may I ask is he doing? Sitting there admiring the art? Pathetic is the only word that comes to my mind. I refuse to tip-toe around this problem and if I catch him again, he is gone.
So no, you are not in the wrong to be upset about this whole situation. It is very disrespectful and demeaning; these men are being selfish and inconsiderate about our feelings. Being with someone who you adore and want to sexually active with requires learning about each other’s needs and wants in the bedroom. Rather than coming to talk to women about these issues men take the easy way out AKA porn.
I want to ask men these simple questions: Does porn love you? Does porn make you dinner? Does porn talk to you about how you are feeling? Who do you want to be with for the rest of your life? Porn who the women who loves the hell out of you?
If you are unhappy and know you will continue to be unhappy, there is no point sticking around. He is the immature one. Obviously he does not know the meaning of true love and does not feel the need to learn more about it.
Men like this do not deserve us women who do nothing but try our damndest to make them happy. I guess no matter what we do, it will never be good enough. Porn has ruined so many good relationships.
All there is left to do is both ride it out and try to fix this mess, or if he isn't willing to then it's time to let go. You need to worry about you and your child. You don't need someone to bring you down. The point of a relationship is to be truthful and happy with each other (although I am beginning to wonder if that is truly why). If one person is not proud to be with that significant other, you need to ask yourself, "why am I with this person?” There are wonderful guys out there to make you feel like the awesome women you are.
I hope this help out. Just remember you are not the only one going through this. You need to be strong and do what is best (I know it is easier said than done). In the end you will be happy with the decision you have made.
Hope everything works out for you both!
Best Wishes
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2009): I'm not going to tell you my side of the story but, yes, it hurts like s***. The fact that your husband refuses to give up on it and tries to make YOU feel bad about feeling bad about his inappropriate and disrespectful behavior is even more maddening. What I have learned over the past three days since I caught my husband is that a woman should always, always, always trust her feelings. If you feel that he doesn't love you and care for you enough, then he doesn't. If you feel that he's lost interest in you and is not attracted to you anymore, then he isn't. If you feel insulted by his little secret dirty world, then it is insulting. We women should stop trying to justify the stupid behaviors of the men that we love. We are not their mothers. If a mother didn't succeed in raising a civilized, loving, and caring man, then a wife never will.I too was abused (when I was a teenager) and to me too, the moment you wear that ring on, you leave your dirty little world behind. Marriage means responsibility. When you get married, you stop hanging out at bars alone. You also stop looking at other women (in real world and in virtual). If both sides do not follow these rules, then clearly the marriage is unhealthy.I'm sorry that he's the one who brings home the bread and that you have a child together. But ask yourself, is he the person you want to raise your child with? What kind of a father is he going to be? How is he going to educate your child about sex, love, and marriage? In these bad economic times, it's even harder for a woman to find a job, but can you not apply for welfare, for example? Check out your state's help line for moms. I, for one, will chose my dignity over what I thought was true love and marriage. My parents waited too long (25 years!) to get divorced. I wish they had done it earlier. Despite all the difficulties we endured (paying the rent, etc.) my life started after my parents got divorced, so did my mom's. Don't make him believe that you're the one in need of help, that you're weak, or that too sensitive. Your husband is being insensitive, disrespectful. He's the one who needs to work on himself. Don't you lose your self-esteem and dignity.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2009): I also have a husband addicted to porn, we haven't had sex but one time in almost a year (if you would even say it was sex). It has caused hurt feeling for me because we have a king size bed and I am not allowed to sleep beside or touch him while he sleeps (he said its ok to touch his foot with my foot). I had to have back surgery a few years ago and I haven't been able to exercise the way I did when we met and I have put on 40 pounds and he said hes not turned on my me because I have crinkles on my butt. I thought when some one ask you to marry them it would be for better or worse. He is also a retired navy guy and likes to be alone and do things by himself. I don't get hug and kisses as a wife should and I am getting tired of no affection. I am working with the doctors to get my health and weight back under control but I still don't think I am going to love him the same after the treatment he has given me, no physicial abuse just emotional and mental. We went to therapy a few times and I was told a large percent of marriages end when one or the other is addicted to porn. I feel these people are selfish and don't care about anyone but them selves. Financially I am secure but everyone needs hugs, kisses and intimacy to feel nutured and cared about and that is what ones spouse is susposed to do. I will pray for all of the people reading this or writing their own story. l
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A
female
reader, DeVaughn'sMommy08 +, writes (22 July 2009):
DeVaughn'sMommy08 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk...So I've read some of your posts... Today I have marriage counseling for the second time but this time I'm hoping that the husband will go because last time he didn't show. I should also let you know more detail as to why I don't like it...The times that I have caught him,well found out that he was masturbating to it and watching it was because he wouldn't clean up his mess's/or it was a half ass clean job after wards. Granted my son can't walk yet which is no excuse to the matter because the ground is his playing field...That some of those mess's were in the kids room,in towels left on the floor...in sweaters left on the floor because our laptop is downstairs.And that's were he does his dirty deeds. Yet doesn't clean up his mess's.I've also realized that with my son...which is not fathered by him that because of what he'd said to me last night saying that he'll never change and he's gonna do it whether I like it or not that I do not want to raise my son with this individual and Have him catch him watching porn...and to grow up thinking that it's ok because his daddy does it so why can't he?...Then for him to possibly grow up and have issues in relationships on this matter. My husband is not thinking outside the box,or the bigger picture here...I do not want to have to take pills because I'm depressed in this marriage,just to get by and for my son when he's older to see that I'm not happy and there for make him not happy...Because how we act reflects in our children...and if my husband thinks it's ok to look at porn and not take into consideration how I feel on the matter let alone compromise with me on it...because he wont! That it's ok for my son to have to live this life as well... We've already gotten to the point of me threatening I'll leave but it does no good...He wouldn't care if I left or stayed...He'll just get angry and then be over it...Like I had said before I'm 22 and I didn't mention his age,but he's 27. He's told me that porn is apart of him,and that he can't be himself around me and when he's here at the house he walks around on egg shells and that I'm the one who's controlling,that it's my way or no way...that's it's all about what I want...so that's why I also feel that this is all my fault. I've told the therapist about all this...and He didn't really help me out with giving me any advice as to what He thinks might work. He just hasn't met my husband yet... We haven't had sex in 2 weeks...to some that's not a long time but to me it is.He's told me different reason's as to why he likes watching it...REASONS:#1- It makes him happy.#2- He does it because he wants to#3- He looks at it to think of new ideas in the bedroom(which for the record,we have done nothing new besides the same routine since marriage...we've done handcuffs,games,sex toys...positions after positions...sex in different places...)and last but not least my favorite one of all#4- He says...and I quote "Maybe if you were better in bed..."Then he refers it to because I don't initiate the sex...hmm ok!! I love you too!!I don't usually initiate the sex because I need for him to turn me on...My motor needs some time to warm up...there has been times where he's the only one to get off...I'm one of those individuals that doesn't get off to sex...I need to be stimulated.Plus he sure as hell isn't goin in dry!Besides he's hard before anything even gets started. PLus what the hell does he want from...I've asked him repeatably,what is it you want me to to...and his same responds is I don't know? So where does that leave me when he can't communicate with me...I appreciate all of your comments and thoughts on this matter. I just feel right now that my head is not in the right place to be making any decisions as we speak. I myself don't really know whats going on. I thank you all for everything.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2009): First let me say that I'm very sorry you were molested. I think that somewhere in your head your connecting porn with your molestation. Maybe the person that molested you made you watch or even filmed you. If that's the case I can understand how you feel about porn. With that said, at least he is at home watching porn and not out looking for another woman to fufill he fantasies. But in the end you have to decide for yourself what makes you happy and what your goals in life are. If he is still with you he must love you don't you think? My wife is over weight, her boobs sag, she has stretch marks, and yes I enjoy looking at beautiful women. But I wouldn't trade my wife for any other woman in the world. When you love someone you have to except that everything is not gonna be perfect. But if you're looking for him or anyone to be perfect your never going to be happy. Good luck to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2009): This is perfectly natural for your husband looking at porn. Almost all men do it. but if it is affecting your sex life you need to talk . Looking at porn is not the problem if it makes your sex life more happenning. Ask your husband what he feels for you and your marriage. My husband isn't intrested in sex although he is just 25 and I dont have asingle clue for it. It may Be Porn Or just pure disintrest i am not spying as I dont want any answers that would hurt me
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2009): I note that Uncle Phil has commented that your husband does not need aggravating if he has PTSD well in that case it is your husband that needs the help because in actual fact he is being abusive. Tip toe-ing around a man and letting him do or say things that intimidate you and keep you in your place will make you weak and undermine your self esteem. How much longer is society going to make excuses for it at the expense of womens happiness.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2009): I will be straight with you. I have read your post and got the gist of it. You are being controlled and this is why your head is messed up and for no other reason. You went to counselling for him. He wants you to change... so he can stay the same. He wants you to put up with him looking at porn because it suits him so he makes you out to be mad / over-reacting / over emotional. He denies you your own feelings and disrespects your requests. Loving a man is not a reason to stay with him and be unhappy. Look at www.hiddenhurt.co.uk not all abuse is violent much is emotional and chips away at your self esteem. The best book I have ever ever read on this subject and I know would help is called 'Why does he do that? inside the minds of angry and controlling men' by Lundy Bancroft. Its incredible and having experienced precisely your situation including my ex husband looking at porn on Xmas Day which I caught him doing I know how you can start to wonder whether in fact he is right and you are the things he says. Stop right there and please read this book. He has problems you cannot fix but you do have choices as to what you do next.
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reader, Your friend  +, writes (22 July 2009):
 Have you bought this up at therapy? I would think that it could help you to work throught the issue and find some kind of solution that you can live with. Putting that aside for the moment I can sympathise with you as will others. So lets start by telling you that you are not the bad guy, far from it and given you history it is clearly understandable.
Some people will tell you to leave but the reality is that it doesn't look like you can and that may not be the answer anyway so you may need to find a compromise you can live with as it is very unlikely he will stop and that will probably include threats of leaving him. For the time being you might need to consider letting him continue with an understanding that it is never discussed in any way, that should include not asking you to watch or become sexually involved as a result. This will mean that you stop looking at the computer or asking him questions about it, full stop. Hopefully this will go a little way to minimise the arguing and the hurtful way he treats you.
His problem is that he has become addicted to porn and can't let it go, won't let it go. And like some addicts, will have their home and family fall down around them before they change. We can label him and condemn him and write lots of comments about how bad he is treating you and all that is true but the reality is that if you can't leave him for whatever reasons then an agreement is required.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2009): I think what you need to realise first of all is that men see porn as a simple form of entertainment, they don't consider it cheating and they don't usually compare their wife / girlfriend with the porn actresses. In fact, he's more likely to be wondering how 12" penis fits into a 6" vagina without choking the woman, and isn't really looking at the woman very much at all!
He'll be entertained by porn much the same as you get entertained by TV soaps or programmes like Friends or whatever it is that floats your boat. Watching porn with him is much the same as expecting him to sit down with you to watch George Clooney. He won't see what the attraction is just the same as you don't see what his attraction to porn is.
The PTSD is another matter altogether. Maybe the porn distracts his mind from any atrocities he may have witnessed.
Most men watch porn at some time, me included. Trust me when I tell you it's nothing more than entertainment to them. If you want to end your marriage over it that's up to you, but if you keep on nagging him about it, with his attitude, he'll likely blow a fuse and leave you anyway. He doesn't need any aggravation if he's got PTSD.
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