A
female
age
41-50,
*rs C
writes:This is an SOS call, I feel like my heart has been smashed into a thousand pieces. My husband has left me and now I feel I have lost my best friend, my sole mate and my lover :o(We've been together 6 years and married 2 years on 3rd May! Summer time last year we started to drift a little but we've always been ok but at christmas he cheated with someone at his work, I forgave him for this and the next few months were a bit tense but it was the wake up call I needed. Then he started saying he needed space and wasn't sure how he felt about me, I tried to do this but I panicked and didn't really give him much space just a few days without any contact. Then he said he didn't want to be with me as we had drifted to far and he wasn't in love with me anymore, on top of this he'd said things i'd done like not always being there or putting us first enough had started to grind him down(I knew I was doing this but nothing I had done deserved what was about to come)he wouldn't give me a chance to prove myself and then I felt he was lying, in the end i found out his been seeing and sleeping with the girl from his work and she has done this kind of thing many a times before, he knows what she is like but won't stop seeing her. I've begged him to stop and so had his family as they can see that is destroying me but he says he feels happy with her!!We honestly had a fantastic relationship and i've known him 10 years in total and no this is not who he is, his only ever had 1 girlfriend before me but his always been honest and caring and his family means the world to him.I know I shouldn't say this but I want him back and won't stop until I get my chance. I know it would be a big uphill struggle and i wouldn't rush back into anything, even if its friends first. But please has anyone got any help other than, its lucky it happened now before we had kids or while i'm still young enoough to move on.Thank you all in advance, I really hope Cupid is there as I don't want to give up, maybe part of me feels thats failing but marriages end to easily these days. But for me to give up on my true love is like me giving up on love!! Mrs C
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female
reader, Mrs C +, writes (25 April 2011):
Mrs C is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your replys, it is helping and getting different views is good.
I don't think I made myself clear though that my and my husband were blissfully happy, I know my standard is probably to high but when this all came out my family, his family and all of our friends are gobsmacked by what he has done.
When I say we drifted, I mean we stopped the fun stuff in a relationship as much, we still spent a huge amount of time together. I am aware he wouldn't have cheated if he was happy and thats why i think its very important to make changes so we can try and fix this.
I don't believe you can force someone to love you or be with you but I DO believe in fighting for a marriage as its something so many people just walk away from! Its been 2 weeks since we parted and 6 weeks since i found out he was feeling different (cheating) cheating and living a lie affects the brain in a massive way. Yes I have my faults but so do we all, and so does he but in marriage or a relationship thats where you accept the other person! not just give in at the first hurdle!
On top of all this, i feel he is treating us like just a relationship that his just going to walk away from as he was with his ex 5 years and then walked away! then got with me a few months later (we'd been friends for 5 years!) As for this other person his got involved in, it was sadly him that told me first about a year ago that she wasn't a nice person and then several friends have told me since that she has slept with over 8 people in his company! he does know this but he says he doesn't want a relationship with her, they just have a connection!
I can't help but care he will end up the office joke and get hurt and yes my ego is bruised but if that was all then I would walk away. But please believe me when I say this came like a bolt out of the blue, I will have to continue seeing him due to joint friends and family reasons so I want to try and save our marriage rather than just give up like so many other people do!
A
female
reader, amazingk  +, writes (24 April 2011):
 Each party needs to own their portion of the relationship and the reasons for why it failed. You'd like to be perceived as the "victim wife", and by no means is he absolved of cheating, but you obviously haven't been giving your husband whatever it is that he was looking for for quite some time. He even brought it to your attention and still you kept on with whatever you were doing to drive him away. Now he's found happiness with somebody else and wants to move on and you don't want to let go, even though you probably weren't showing him enough love and appreciation while you had him. Nobdody throws away a marriage "for nothing". This has been a long time coming and he's found something that he believes to be much better than what he had with you, despite whatever your opinion of her may be. He was wrong for the way he went about it, but it doesn't change the situation you're facing.So now, I don't think you want him back because you love him, even though some part of might. You have to be feeling extremely hurt and betrayed due to the fact that he's gone far beyond simple cheating and is basically carrying on a full-fledged relationship with someone else. He's gone so far as to tell you that he's not in love with you and that he's happy with her. Your marriage wasn't "fantastic" to begin with if it was able to be reduced to this. This man is serious about not wanting you anymore.At this point, you're ego is bruised and your desire to "win" is what's fueling your crusade to get your husband back, but at some point you're going to have to accept that he's gone. The other woman didn't steal your dream. You let your dream die by not fully pulling your weight and properly addressing the concerns your husband brought to your attention about your behavior. Move on and don't make the same mistakes down the road.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2011): Had you said your husband had more than one girlfriend prior, his choice may be considered impulsive and you'd have a better chance. You are right, people don't change who they are so he his playing for keeps with this woman. There are probably many things you are glossing over in your mind about how fantastic the marriage was so I would go to a councellor and learn to grieve, heal, let go, and gain some insight about the true problems that led to him leaving.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2011): With a great deal of experience behind me and many failed marriages I advise you to do the following if you want him back. Live your life as normal. Do not change a thing, carry on as usual. Make yourself look good, fit, toned attrctive and do not in any way continue to beg or plead for him to return. Don't send any begging type texts, drunken, late at night or otherwise. Keep anything that you do send him light and airy. I would also suggest that you do not say anything detrimental about the other woman - men hate women saying things about others, and put yourself in the position where you always have the moral high ground.
If you feel as I did once that you could have maybe given more to the relationship then start re-building this now by just generally being pleasant and helpful. If he calls you ask about his work, don't mention the relationship or when you can see him or allude to anything in any way, just be pleaaant and friendly, laugh if you can and then get him off the phone as quickly as possible. Even if you have absolutely nothing to do other than sit in the corner and cry tell him that you have to go and make yourself sound busy. Busy equsls wanted , might be going somewhere and will pique his interest. desperate, clingy and needy is not attractive to men so don't do it.
I am not sure why you would want this cheating bum back but if you want him and love him then to get a good chance try to follow the above.
Good luck xx
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (24 April 2011):
 I think you start with wrong assumptions: If your husband complains about your behavior, and you recognize he is right, then the relationship was not fantastic. At least, not for him. And he was cheating on you. In my opinion, an unhappy husband cheating on wife is not "a fantastic relationship".
Still waters run deep. Your husband has said that he's not in love anymore and doesn't want to be with you. I'm afraid that you can't just wish him back. Shy guys with few girlfriends are often dead serious about who they love and their decisions are often final.
It's only at this point in my life that I find someone who wants to stay friends not so she won't lose the person, but as a first step towards "winning him". Your not trying to cut your losses but are trying to position yourself so that you will "win the battle". I'm afraid he will see through this and will not agree to staying friends.
I'm much older than you and my bad experiences have taught me that sometimes you just have to let go. You may feel like you could improve the relationship if you made this change here and that change there, but that is often a very bad mistake. My honest impression is that you should move on.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (24 April 2011):
 You have to tell him you are thinking about divorce. Thinking about it is different from just showing him the papers. When you stay in the marriage you are telling him you condone his behaviour although inside you don't. You know that words are useless now and so is pleading. Live your life as usual. Think of it as: you have other potential men you can look for. You believe in a life time partner but unfortunately his actions show that he doesn't. You have not given up but his actions tells you he is. He has shown you the resolution is to get back at you, to get you to taste your own medicine because you didn't put him first. Return the gesture. No one falls out of love and throws away 10 years just like that. Wish him luck that the woman would put him first in her life. Tell him you won't wait for him forever and you would be opening your heart to someone who believes in love, someone who would ride through the highs and lows in life.
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