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female
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anonymous
writes: Dear Friends,My husband wants to move back to his home town and wants me to ask for a transfer when I have only been on the job a short time. I have asked about transfers and have been told I need to be on the job six months and have strong sales production. I have been working very hard to do this and am having success. During this my husband has lost his job, and is very depressed and unable to provide me with any encouragement and is barely functional. We continue to go to counseling but he does not listen to what is said. We fight all the time, as he says I should lie, and make up a story that would get me transferred. He accuses me of not talking to the right person. I have in fact talked with the area manager who is over my current location and the new one. He has told me the policy. My husband now says I should go above him. I do not think this is the right thing to do and I will not. Mind you I must have a job to maintain health benefits and to pay current bills. I cannot just run off and try to find a job. We have no savings and this is a nightmare. I have told my husband to go on ahead to his home town,find a job and then in two months I will ask for a transfer and it would be much easier if he were already there. He says no, because he will have no place to stay and no money. I am now having a hard time concentrating on anything including work with his depression and obsession about moving. We are fighting ALL the time. We orginally made plans to make this move in the fall, now he wants it to be today, and I MEAN today. What can I do to help him understand what this is doing to me?
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female
reader, Angel ron +, writes (29 April 2006):
 It sounds to me that you need to sit down and talk to your husband about this marriage and you really nedd to tell him how you are feeling. Basically you are at the end of your tethee tell him how you feel that you are out of your wits end and if he doesn ot change then you must give him the option of wheter he wants this marriage to work out
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2006): It sounds like you really need to sit down with your husband and talk rationally with him. Calmly tell him that he must wait two months before you will be able to transfer to his hometown. Tell him that if he absolutely must go there now, then he would have to go there alone, because you cannot give up this job. Let him know that if you lose your job, you two have nothing. Tell him you have been patient with him and that you understand that he's stressed and feels that he must go back to his hometown. Let him know that you are being understanding and compassionate, but that it is just not an option for you to give up your job right now. Tell him you've done all that you could, but two months is the absolute minimum he must wait. Be firm and make sure he knows that you WILL NOT be leaving your job or the place you're staying now for two months. Tell him it's either stay with you or go ahead without you. Don't let him even think that there are other options, because frankly, there aren't.
I'm very sorry that the two of you are going through this right now. I have to wonder though why he so desperately feels that he must go back to his hometown. Can he not get a job where the two of you are at now?
Your husband needs to know that you are the one doing this for him. He may really, really want to go back home, but the decision is pretty much up to you. Don't give up your job to give in to him. He can have what he wants, but he must wait first. All good things come with time. Tell him that.
Anyways, I really hope things work out okay for the two of you. I wish you the best of luck.
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A
female
reader, Ainley +, writes (28 April 2006):
 hi friend,it must be really hard for right now and i have friends who have been in the same boat. what i suggest is tell your husband that you love him and after the suggested months of time that you can apply for a transfer you will start looking for a placement near his home because that will be the best way you can be sure to get a good reference and even suggest a holiday. Hes clearly down after being sacked and wants to run away to be near familar faces, as much as times have changed men still like to be the bread winner and the fact that the roles have reversed would make him feel less of a man in way. the best thing that i can suggest is give him as much distractions as possible such as a new hobbie, and i know this will sound strange but to boost his male ego try pretending that something is broken like microwave and you need his help or by new cupboard and get him to build it, compliment him or even take him shopping for new clothes for him and let him know how sexy he is and then suggest buying something for you both if you know what i mean. and the end of the day its his ego thats been bruised and hes trying to grap what male dominance he thinks he has left so as painful it may sound i think you should flatter him as much as possible until the due time of whether youll transfer or not, it may be painful to do but hang in there and hopefully youd of found him enough distractions to last 6 months or more. take care and i hope this has helped.
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A
female
reader, prttymtlkitty +, writes (28 April 2006):
 Guess he knew things were goin south on the job and didn't want to say. Its just too coincidental that he wanted to move close to the time before he lost his job. Some people have trouble functioning outside their element. Depression usually is accompainied by anxiety which probably explains his want to move back to a place he is familiar with to get his grip, today. Sounds like he needs help today but instead insists on focusing on moving (probably an unrealistic option)rather then fixing him first. Since he's so dependant on you now, the rest is all hot air. No matter what he says you can't do past what your capable of. He really needs to stop blaming it all on you or not moving on his whim and face his own inadequacies. So now he'll try to make you feel inadequate in attempt to hide his own. Oldest trick in the book. Call him out on his game cause unless he has a miraculous recovery and finds a job tomorrow, its your turn to be boss.
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