A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hi.My husband and I have been married for 18 years and have 4 children ages 7-15. He is a good guy for the most part, makes a great living, is generous and usually kind. He does drink more than I would like to see him do but he is mostly home and doesn't sit in bars or anything like that. My major problem with him is he does not speak to me for days after we have an argument. Any little argument at all, it is like he has to punish me by ignoring me and giving me the cold shoulder. He will give me 1 word answers and talk to me when he needs to ask me a question or something but that is all. It is very strained. I find this totally annoying and destructive to our marriage. Then when hes done with his tantrum he expects me to say OK and let it go. Oh and he says it is my fault, I should not have made him mad, if I dont make him mad, he wont act like that. PLEASE! I am so aggravated with him! He also has punched several holes in the walls at different times when he was mad about something and the other day he kicked a hole in a door when he was mad at me and I slammed it on him when he was yelling. He has been in the ignoring mood since then, its been 3 days now. There have been 5 times he punched a hole in the wall throughout our marriage so it is not a daily thing but it is scary. I think 1 time is too many.What is your take on this?Thanks for help! Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2009): Well I'm glad you at least took the first step and wrote this. I have a similar issue I have been married with my husband for about ten years, we were very young when we got married and I only knew a little about his childhood delima which impacts his emotional outrage he too punches holes in the wall, it seem everytime were in the bedroom about to go to sleep he dosen't get his way he throws a fit this has unfortunately become the nightly norm that and if he dosen't punch a hole in the wall it's me that has to suffer without sleep or a blanket or him kicking me out of the room being yelled at. Recently we have treatened to kick the bucket, but it's hard to give up years of a fight to stay together he's a good guy good to our children steady worker and responsible for the most part just the one thing, we have started talking more about it and in order to keep our marriage strong we are learning yes after so many years we are learning to compromise. Talk get him to talk to you explain you won't live this way and you don't have to, but that you love him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2009): Okay. So alcoholic life. Two choices: stay in, get out.If you stay in, you've got an arduous project of coping mechanisms and strategies that go forever, and they shift, and you feel like your home is a highly charged land mind. Punching walls, blame, anger problem and severe silent treatment are not cool. I moved into my own basement and made an apartment because of the same thing. He eventually got sick of being the only guy in the bedroom, with no evidence of my existence anywhere and that made an impression on him. After months of seeing that he doesn't get me on the top level with him while he courts anger, he brought his explosion under control so I moved back in with him. And he actually made changes!!! And dude I really loved my bat cave in the basement, but I had to reward him for turning it around.He must have consequences for his behavior. He MUST! You cannot teach an anger problem alcoholic with kindness because they don't get that language. They only respond to one thing: LOSS. Look at what he's doing to you: he wants YOU to go through the loss. Lose the peace, lose the nice drywall, lose him, lose your self-esteem, and lose his conversation, he wants to take a lot from you!!! Well what are you going to do? This isn't ancient China. You decide that his abuse deserves to be compartmentalized where those whom love him are not allowed to witness it. How that is done in your environment I don't know.Then, onto what your job is. Sure you're scared, you're probably pretty ticked off at all of his destruction. That can turn you off and turn you away. Well, As much as I hate to say it, the last poster is making a legitimate plea for you to understand your man. While most women would disagree with him, I actually agree with it. All people want to come home where they are loved and accepted. We all do. A man wants to come home where he is desired and appreciated, just like females do. He's done his job all day, you did yours. Then there's more job to go because of homework, cleaning, dinner, baths, alone time. I'm the furthest from the crazy women's rights folks ideas. Because I've learned that even though my boyfriend is a completely rage-filled pain in the ass screaming drinks too much selfish flirting narcissist, my job is to love him anyway (until I can get him out of my house). So sure, the old regular blow job, and the play the part of running your hands all over him whispering how every bit of that beautiful skin and muscle is just luscious can go a long way.So make rules: you'll keep loving him, he removes his anger from the house. You'll accept and understand and listen to him and if he punches another hole out, you're calling the drywall guys the next day on his dime. He gives you the silent treatment? Cool - you got silent treatment going on. I got silent treatment going on in my closet; it all has tags still. A great tactic is to choose to have absolutely no care in the world for silent treatment; think of it's virtues. You get more time with the kids. I used to hate my boyfriends silent treatment then I learned I got to do really effective homework time, work on my gardening, decorate my house, do the gym for one hour, snuggle with the seven year old watching the Disney channel and eating popcorn. Silent Treatment Rocks! You get so much done!!! So make your rules. He is not king. You are in charge of you. One of my rules is if that boy gets out of hand, his money is used to put me in a beautiful hotel room where my youngest has an absolutely grand time; bring your suit, and load up that free breakfast, giggle under the covers to Nick at Night, go to the candy store and pick up obscene amounts of candy and walk around downtown. So I say push a button in your head and say, "Screw his episodes! I've got a life!!! "Remember, remember to treat him with respect and kindness in all times and even offer that daily after work blow job - I mean it's amazing how powerful those things are... Ignore what you can, be an actor and tell him how beautiful he is, but he gets out of line, clear the house. He stays in control, you just run around busy with all the things you love to do for him and everyone else. This whole relationship thing is hard, but you gotta find ways to cope. Instantly reward and point out when he's doing it right. Turn your back when he's doing it wrong, take those kids hands and be gone. Make it consistent, don't back down. He's not in charge, you are. Until he recognizes what his contribution should be, then live with these mechanisms to survive.Good luck!!!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2009): What men crave most is respect. After 18 years of working hard to support a family - a wife and 4 children and to create the life that all of you are enjoying - I imagine that your husband feels that he is entitled to your respect. The problem with the desire for respect is that it is very hard to articulate and the very act of articulating a desire to be respected diminishes that respect. The reason why he is not talking to you is because there is no good way for a good man to ask for what he wants. Punching Walls is a classic sign of frustration for men who are angry but who could never actually hit a woman. I myself pulled our bathroom door out of it's frame a few weeks ago. I have never and will never lay a hand on a woman in anger and I hate to argue but I was upset about something and all that was in my mind was "Don't you close that door on me". Once I got in all I wanted to do was give her a hug and the whole thing was over in a minute.Many women, especially mothers of several children, fall in to the trap of treating their husband as effectively an older child. Most men tollerate this but it kills a part of them.What a married father of 3 or 4 wants to hear when he gets home in the evening is "Darling, you've been working so hard! Let me take your shoes. have a glass of whiskey whilst I get the children to bed and then i'll be down to give you blowjob before dinner." Now, of course, that doesn't often happen but that is the ideal that is in our heads and the further that reality differs the more likely that frustration builds up.Please read carefully because this is the danger point for husbands starting affairs. When a married father has an affair or affairs with younger women it is not primarily about sex (although if course that is nice!) nor is it generally about wonderful conversation and deeply held shared interests, what it comes down to generally is "here is a woman giving me the respect I deserve / treating me the way that I deserve to be treated". Of course all women still bothering to read this are thinking "no, what you deserve Baddog is a big kick in the balls"! I'm sure that they are right BUT have a go at treating your husband as if he was the person who provided food and shelter and clothing for you and your children, throw in at least one unreciprocated blowjob a week and you will find that your husbands behavior to you will improve.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2009): Your husband sounds immature and a bit childish in how he handles his emotions if he still likes to throw tantrums, shift blame and give you the silent treatment instead of being communicative and try to solve the problem as a couple. Chances are, you've spoiled him over these 18 years, and have always given in to him whenever he throws these tantrums and let it go after he's done being upset. He appears to have problems controlling his emotions and has a tendency to let his emotions take over and override his rational side, though it's not to the point where he needs anger management. Perhaps try talking calmly to him about how his behavior affects you and that you want him to be more communicative instead of giving you the cold shoulder every time an argument arises. Stay calm throughout, be reasonable, and don't upset him, otherwise he may throw his tantrums again.
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reader, Matt269 +, writes (14 April 2009):
 well perhaps he doesn't talk to you because he is trying to work these out. maybe he is just trying not to make things work. he probably figures he needs time to try and be a better husband.now if he says its your fault, well that's not really helping you guys out. he has to take some responsibility too. maybe you should tell him about how his behavior is affecting you. chances are he may not make any immediate changes but if you keep drilling it into him in a nice way he may eventually get better. 5 times is a bit much. you might want to suggest you both see counseling or therapy. do you think he has anger issues or a drinking problem. try to help him out in the best way possible, if you still love him. he sounds to me like he does have some anger issues. punching holes in the walls 5 times is a bit high for an average guy. i think i've only punched a hole in a wall once in my life. i usually try to punch trees or punching bags.
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