A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband nitpicks? I dont know if thats the exact word for my situation, but if it is, it is definately NOT normal nitpicking. This is a full out meltdown. I will try to give you some insight into what I mean because it really is bothering me on many different levels. Mostly I am concerned with this type of behavior because of its repetitive nature, and its seemingly off kilter spin to it. For example, I go to the store and ask Eric if he wants anything. If he is being sulky because of some previous issue between us, he will tell me he doesn’t want or need anything at all. If he is in ok spirits, he will tell me to pick up a snack for him, to pick out whatever I like, he doesn’t care. So there I am at the store, agonizing on what to get him to snack on. I finally settle on something based on prior experience. When I bring it home from the store, he is immediately upset. I made the wrong choice because I “forgot “ (meaning he never told me) that the last time I got him that snack, it sat in the cupboard for a week, or it was too salty, not crunchy enough, not as good as the other brand, gave him a toothache, earache, heartache whatever. Then the games begin. The game begins innocently enough, but I know where it is headed and so sometimes I start to become upset and lash out, to beat Eric to the punch so to speak. This results in such a huge ordeal that by the end of the night, I find myself right back where I started, and so through experience, I learn to just play the game until it runs its course even though I am seething inside. It starts with a question. Then another. Then another. And so on. Each of these questions must be answered in the way he deems appropriate, and each question could be a spinoff of yet another question that either directly relates to the issue at hand, or something completely different. If I don’t answer these questions in a satisfactory manner, yelling and “the doomsday” voice, and threats and so on ensue. The questions usually start of reasonable. Then they start to get ridiculous. Everything from “How would you feel if I did that to you” (I would answer honestly, which is something I learned not to do) and say “I wouldn’t be all that upset” to which his response would be “Ok, next time I am at the store, I will get you a pack of liver (which I definitely hate) and make you eat it”. This is when things start to spin out of control. He would go on to say “But I wouldn’t do that to you, why wouldn’t I do that to you”? To which I must figure out what answer would set him off the least, or make the question round cease. I would say “because you care about what I don’t like” and his response would be “and why would I care about what you don’t like” to which I would say something like “because you pay attention to my likes and dislikes” to which he would say “why would I care about your likes and dislikes” to which I would say “ because you care about me” to which he would say “If I didn’t care about you so much, do you think I would bother” to which I say “no” to which he would say “So if I care about you what does that say to you” to which I would say “that you care about what I like too” and …UH OH…Wrong answer. Here comes the part about me just not getting it and really starting to piss him off. And he starts yelling and threatening all kinds of horrid things, and name calling and being revengeful. When he calms down from the tirade, a whole other set of questions ensue, usually more advanced and difficult, pertaining to how lucky I am that I have such a loving husband. “I don’t go out and (cheat, drink, gamble, etc.) do I” to which I answer “no” to which he says “and why don’t I do that” to which I answer “because you’re a good husband” to which he says “and why am I a good husband” to which I answer “because you don’t go out and (cheat, drink, gamble)” …and that answer didn’t exactly sit right with him. So he adjusts it for me. “Because I love you and care for you” to which I say “oh well that too”…on it goes. That is just a mild example. These little question rounds can go on for 20 minutes or an hour or so, depending on how I play. If I answer like an obedient robot, then it is over and done with soon enough, but if I allow my emotions to get involved, then the tirades begin, and it can last well into the night. You might think this issue can be resolved easily enough by just telling Eric to either come with me, or be specific about what he wants for a snack. If I push him to tell me, he will point out how many times I asked him what he wanted, or use another couple as an example “Cindy doesn’t ask Brett what he wants, she just buys it” or “John doesn’t go shopping with Tina”. Since if I contest this, that might (and has) turned into another “game”, I just resign myself to hopefully making the right choice. I didn’t mean for this to become so long! Let me wrap this up by saying that I am practically at my wits end, and it is all I can do to keep from really flipping out on him. I am stuck in this horrible cycle of mechanically answering these ridiculous and exhausting questions and if I try (and I have) to break free of this cycle, then it just becomes downright scary. Can any of you shed some light on what is going on here, and how to better deal with it?Thank you.
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female
reader, lavenderblue +, writes (8 May 2011):
Please develop a safety plan. This would include setting money aside, as well as any crucial items like medication, extra keys, copies of important documents like your passport, debit/cc card, soc security card or drivers license...(sometimes men will try to hold onto these things in a desperate attempt to control you) clothing, etc. and store it at a trusted friend's place. Think of people and places you could go to that are safe, if you had to leave quickly, even in the middle of the night. Let trusted people know that you may need them at short notice and let them help you. Call a shelter or domestic violence agency (ywca?) and get advice. You can do this completely anonymously. Even if he isn't physically abusing you, his stack of papers indicates a possibility that he will try to prevent you from going. I just saw your follow up response. I want you to know that often addresses and locations of shelters are not public, even if the agency does have a known address. And your confidentiality and security is very important at these shelters.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2011): Please take a look at the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond " by Patricia Evans (available on Amazon). I believe that is what is happening in your relationship, but obviously that is for you to decide. I was went through something very similar at one point in my life and it was confusing and exhausting and really had nothing to do with me, but was about my partner's need to control and overpower me. I know it can be hard to make changes, especially if you love the man you are with. But his behavior shows a lack of respect for you, and his behavior indicates anger issues that only he can address ( they are not your fault and not for you to fix). Perhaps he can change and you can grow together, but not without you learning to set boundaries with him, ie, not going along with his interrogations and hysteria. And of course he needs to take responsibility for his own emotions and behavior. In my situation, I began saying " you are being verbally abusive"...like a broken record every time he started his attacks. He would back off and act very sweet for a few days or weeks, but soon enough, a dish would be out of place, or I wouldn't read his mind about what he wanted to eat, and he would start in again. When I moved out and he escalated his verbal abuse to the point where I had to block him from sending me emails. I have never regretted leaving him and at this point, years later it seems almost ridiculous that I put up with it. But, it was a learning process, and I have learned to never tolerate that kind of behavior and now have a much more healthy relationship.I really wish you well! You deserve better treatment, with a partner who handles his anger and disappointment without unloading it on you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2011): I too live with a man i have thought of as "moody". He sets the whole mood of the house. If he is happy life is good. If not, NO ONE is happy. He has called me every name imaginable and the reason for this is because i "make him". He wouldn't call me stupid, white trash, *itch, etc etc if i didn't make him. We split up for a year...i recently let him back because he had gone to therapy and got on medication for his anger issues etc and guess what. 3 months into it and he is right back at it. People can change and people can grow etc but I think when you have someone that feels totally justified in treating you like you are a little "less than" they are, like they are some how superior to you, you gotta cut your losses and move on. Life is too short to put up with someone that makes you feel like crap
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (21 April 2011):
Thank you for the follow up OP! Well, that changes everything. It´s now clear you are dealing with a narcissistic and possibly dangerous man. I think the real reason why he´s being like this is because he likes being in control but is paranoid at the same time. He knows you want to get away from him yesterday rather then tomorrow and he also knows you don´t have the funds to do it (yet).
This is probably why he keeps all that info about the shelters around, because he's afraid to lose you even though he doesn't have the right to claim you in the first place.
Do you have a friend or family member you can stay with? Because you can't talk with him normally I gather you don't disclose much info about friends etc. This is a very unhealthy situation and I would leave him as soon as you can.
If you've already looked into those options, maybe there's a colleague you can trust? If a colleague of mine came to me for help I would offer them a place to stay at my home immediately. And I know I'm not the only person that would do this. Try to think out of the box.
And one more thing: does he hurt you physically as well or is it all mental? If you have evidence against him you can get the police involved.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2011): Look I don't know what the issues are that you aren't mentioning but I don't like the sound of your post. Collecting information about women's shelters is abnormal and worrying behaviour. He does sound crazy.My best advice for you is to leave now. The longer you stay the less likely it is he will let you go.If he does flip one day, just remember you'll probably a lot safer anywhere else than home alone with him. If you're that worried about what he might do if you try to leave, ring a helpline and see what they suggest.Don't waste anymore years of your life with this man just trying to save up to leave.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2011): I was with a man exactly the same, I got out in the end. I was tired and becoming someone I didnt want to be.
Get out now.
He is emotionally abusing you and will never change.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2011): Please consider getting him therapy or yourself a divorce. I honestly don't know why you stay. He's nuts.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2011): Thank you to everyone that read and responded. Maverick494 , I am very grateful for your advice, and that you even took the time out to read it in the first place, but you see, this is why I never talk to anyone at all about my issues with my husband. Somehow, his behavior is always brushed off as him having a bad day, or how he is just projecting his anger on me. But I know better. I know deep in my gut that something is wrong with him. Everyone else has an idea, but I have facts. He is not the type I can be lighthearted with, and share banter, and be casual and easy. I have tried to use humor to deflect these situations, but he stays on task. I too have thought that perhaps he was blame shifting , and projecting. I have called him on this a couple of times. The end result was more over the top (and mostly scary) fights..…how dare I put reasons he is angry in his head??? I have stopped reaching out years ago. Somehow, the blame was always shifted in my direction. Because of his nature, and I always was (and to some extent still am) headstrong, this relationship has been extremely chaotic. There are deeper issues that are at play here, that I haven’t included in my post because I am choosing to deal (and possibly) overcome each issue separately. I have a ton of questions, but am afraid to ask them. I am afraid he will find this post. I am not afraid so much because I am scared of him, more so that he will find out how I really feel about him and my dreams of getting away from him if I can ever save the funds and have the right opportunity. He has a printout of women’s shelters, groups and programs from each state. They are stacked and stapled together. He has names of these counselors written next to some of these shelters. I found them not long after I tried to leave him the last time.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (20 April 2011):
Okay, there has to be a reason he's acting like this. Maybe he's projecting his insatisfaction with (for example) work on you because he isn't man enough to tell his boss. Or afraid to get fired. When someone picks a fight/brings someone down without good reason, it's often because something else is not going well.
For example, last week a big project of mine failed because at the last moment the equipment I worked with just stopped working. I missed my deadline and I knew it was going to be bad. So I came home, a friend of my parents calls and asks if she can stop by. I get snippy with her because I don't want her around at the moment. My dad calls me on it as it's not my business and I explode. Seemingly for no reason.
See what I'm trying to say? I'm not saying he has the right to do this. He doesn't. It's a coping mechanism for frustration. A bad one. I see that and I try to prevent it from happening. Your man seems to feel justified doing it. So try to cut to the heart of the matter.
If he starts nitpicking again, ask him if he lost a pokergame, had a bad day at work, whatever you can think of that could be the root of the problem. When you get it right, it often stops people dead in their tracks, because they suddenly realize it's not you they should be angry with, but [insert..] Well, that's how it works with me, anyway.
If despite trying, he keeps doing this, I would tell him you're leaving if he doesn't change. You are not there to color his world and you do not deserve to be treated like a piece of dirt. Tell him to find a woman that does tolerate his shit and that you can assure him that not many will put up with it as long as you have.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2011): Ummm... this is called your husband is abusive and borderline psychopathic... and you should probably get a good divorce lawyer. He very clearly is emotionally and verbally abusive and you need to get out of this marriage. This is scary. It's a SNACK. What's he going to do if it's something bigger? Probably really lose it and beat the crap out of you. Time to leave.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2011): I can't believe anyone would actually put up with this....
After I read the 2nd and 3rd paragraph I had to scroll back up to double check you were talking about your husband and not a 5yr old.
He sounds a bit crazy to be honest, immature at best. He sounds like he needs help and let's hope he really doesn't lose it one day because by the sounds of this:
" And he starts yelling and threatening all kinds of horrid things, and name calling and being revengeful."
he sounds like an absolute psycho.
From the sounds of it he likes arguements, conflict and putting you down. Wearing away your self esteem and allowing him to be able to control what you say for fear you will upset him. Perhaps it's a bit of an ego boost for him. He's playing mind games and quite frankly being abusive.
What is clear though is that he *wants* to argue. Whatever his reasons he is getting something out of it. So good luck trying to change that because it'll never happen. I'd walk away now and save yourself a lot of grief.
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A
male
reader, nuggs +, writes (20 April 2011):
Your husband is overly insecure. I know because I use to be the same way. I am by no means fixed but I am trying to fix it. The first step is seeing that and wanting to change. Not sure how to help you get him to see it.
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