A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm going to give the short version: I was with the love of my life for 2 years (we had been best friends for many years before that though, so we were very very close) She broke up with me because things were getting complicated. I'm graduating college and am looking for a job in the cities. She's still in school another year about 3 hours away from the cities and will transfer to a law school after that. This caused a lot of stress because we didn't know if we could both handle the situation of being so far apart. I really wanted to make things work, but she decided it would be best to end it.I went through a very rough time, but bounced back in a few months. One day she contacts me and says she'd like to meet. After some hesitation, I meet with her. She tells me that she's dating this new guy, but every single day she misses me and regrets her decision to end things. She tells me that she does not really care for this other guy and is only dating because he asked her out. She says she still loves me, but she's just too stressed and confused to think about making us work long distance.Since then, we've been talking on the phone every once in a while. She says I'm the only one she can talk to; the guy she's still dating is not emotional at all, doesn't listen to her feelings, and gets really angry often about little things that starts fights over nothing. She's said multiple times she knows it won't last.Okay, so I know that her and I can't be together at the moment, but why in the hell is she still with this guy? He's emotionally abusive, distant, and treats her just plain wrong. I always treated her gently, with love and respect, so I know she realizes how bad she has it with him. I just can't wrap my head around why they're still together.Please shed some light on this :) Thank you
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best friend, broke up, emotionally abusive, long distance Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wouldn't say she has dependency issues overall, but she has had a bad last few months which may have caused her to develop it. Her father has come out as an alcoholic and is threatening divorce, making her whole family very stressed. She constantly feels that she has to be the only one who is okay. But the strange thing is that the situation with her dad has only distanced herself from her boyfriend because he could care less about her "emotions," so she just talks to me about all this stuff.
I actually did see her this weekend for Easter break and we sat down to talk for a while. I didn't want to directly ask her why she was still with him, but I worked a similar question into our conversation at one point. According to her, its convenient right now. She's stressed out enough with school, her roommates, and her family issues without thinking about having to go through a break up. Even though I got her to admit that she's just plain not happy with him, she still doesn't want to make a scene of things and would rather just wait for their relationship to fizzle out so she doesn't need to be confrontational about it.
I feel so bad for her. I know it sounds like she's insane from the outside (for the longest time even I couldn't justify any of her actions) but when I look at her I just see someone who's scared. Scared and worried about the future. Frightened for her family and for school. And even more so, terrified that she'll never be happy again after leaving me. I wanted so badly to reach out to her, but I know it'd only be hurting me to do it. I'll always be there to love and support her, but as long as she's still with this guy there's nothing I can explicitly do for her at the moment :/ Which sucks.
Thanks for the response and input, dirtball. I am a fellow agony aunt and always value your advice. Its funny how advice and logic comes to me so naturally when its directed at others, but when I need to apply it to my own love life I'm lost for words. A paradox I guess. Anyways, thanks again. Its very much appreciated :)
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (21 April 2011):
 Here's a question, what does the fact that she stays with this guy tell you about her mental state?
It tells me she has dependency issues along with low self worth. Did you notice that while you two were together?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2011): I just wanted to give you a reason why she may be acting the way she is. As I said, i know it's immature of me to do that... but that doesn't mean it isn't wwhat she's doing too!! Just like dirtball and i said... she's probablly just using him as a place filler..
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses and input :)
@dirtball: Yes her actions and words do not fit at all. She told me that she's missed me so much and that the first month of our break up she spent in depression, not eating and skipping classes (she needed to be driven to the hospital once because she passed out due to lack of nourishment) She's said multiple times that she wishes she could take it all back and that she loves me, but she still thinks it might hurt more to be together and be separated by distance.
Along with all of this, she continues to tell me all of this bad stuff about her current boyfriend and how she'll "never love him or feel a connection to him like she does with me."
But despite everything she says, she continues to date him. Now I don't expect us to get back together or anything, but why would she continue to date someone who's so emotionally abusive to her? It seems he's just kind of "there" to her. Not really serving any purpose.
@reader anonymous: I wouldn't call that a very healthy way of having relationships :/ that's borderline cheating, to me at least. But that's how you choose to date and I can't change your mind on that. I just hope you realize that the only thing worse than being broken up with, is being broken up with and told "there's another guy." Just saying.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2011): If she is anything like me, she may not be ready to leave him yet. I like to have my next boyfriend on deck before I leave the last one... i know that's really immature and I've been trying to spend some time "being single"... but I completely understand if she just wants to keep him around to keep her mind occupied til she can be with you.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (20 April 2011):
I can see a few possible reasons.
1) She likes him more than she's telling you.
2) He's not as bad as she makes him sound.
3) She's emotionally unstable and needs a crutch.
4) She's using him as a place filler who will be easy to leave when someone better comes along.
Really, her words and actions don't jive. That's why this is so confusing. If she really felt like she says, then she should leave him. That's why I lean toward options 3 and 4 as for why I think she's still with him.
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