A
female
age
51-59,
*mlonely17
writes:I have a picture perfect life. I have been married 12 years (together for 20) to a handsome man who makes a good living. We have 2 great kids. We live in a nice house in a nice neighbourhood. I am attractive and have a great social life with lots of friends. The problem is that I am lonely. We don't have a lot in common anymore and he is working all the time. I crave going out with other families or just by myself with friends as I don't feel a connection with my husband anymore. It's always me who makes any type of social plans and he just goes along for the ride. I go to the gym a lot and look the best I have looked in years. I often fantacize about meeting someone new but I wouldn't have an affair as I know it's not right and my husband doesn't deserve that. He is a good father and provider but he is emotionally empty and I'm incredibly lonely. He's downstairs working now (11pm) and I'm on the computer. Typical. Any thoughts?
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female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (8 June 2011):
"Also, I have told him I'm lonely many times and I think he's tired of hearing it."
You did the right thing of being honest with him and telling him how you feel. However, if your husband is tired of hearing you tell him you're lonely, then you should stop telling it to him. You've already given him the information he needs, now it's up to him to make his own decision on whether he will spend more time with you or not.
if he hasn't even expressed a desire to spend more time with you (or asked for help in how he can make more time) then clearly he just isn't interested in spending more time with you. The reasons could be infinite. he could be dealing with his own personal problems that are taking a toll on him, so that having to fulfill your needs isn't something he is actually emotionally capable of doing, and the more you tell him you're lonely and want him to fulfill your needs, the more guilty and resentful (and grumpy) he gets. Maybe he feels he can already barely keep his own head above water, let alone have to "take care" of your needs too.
It's not wrong for you to want this, because a happy healthy marriage is one where both partners can turn to each other for support. But right now it seems that you're not the only one who is struggling and needs support, he may also be struggling with his own personal problems and needing support himself.
People can't take care of their partner's needs if they themselves are suffering in some way.
how about if you stop telling him that you're lonely even though you still are feeling that way. Because you've already told him many times, that telling him more times probably won't do any good. stop telling him how lonely you are, and instead focus on getting the support you need from outside your marriage - spend more time with friends and family. Take care of your needs as much as you can, and just give him his space. eventually, whatever is stressing him out may come to pass (like if it's work related).
After some time has passed without you telling him that you're lonely, you could try talking to him about how HE feels, not about how YOU feel. Instead of saying "I'm lonely, I'd like for us to spend more time together again" instead you could say something like "I notice you've been withdrawn and uninterested in doing things with me for awhile, is everything OK in your life? is there anything you want to share with me about? Is there anything I can help with to make you feel better?"
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011): if your husband's 'emotionally empty' he could be going through a mid life crisis - doubting everything from his career path to his choice to get married and have kids. If so, the last person he would share this with is you. I think you should encourage him to go out with his own friends (not to spend more time with you), pursue his own interests and hobbies (that may or may not involve you) and find himself. you should spend time with your own friends too not be looking to him to fulfill your emotional needs. (yes I know marriage is supposed to be about fulfilling each other's emotional needs but if it's not happening, then you should adapt and find other outlets for it or end the marriage if you want your marriage partner to be the one who fulfills you)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011): Hey, I am in a very similar position than you. But to make matters worse, I have met a man who is very flirtatious with me (he is also married) and now I have to deal with having developed a crush on that guy too... anyways, I am in the same boat as you and don't want to have an affair. I am reading a great book right now called "his needs, Her needs" by Willard F Harley Jr. It talks about what your husband is doing to you. In fact he is just as guilty for you feeling this way. He needs to invest more time and "woe" you for you to feel fulfilled in your marriage. Just becqause he is working all the time, does not make him a good husband. Work with him on this!! Good luck hon!
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (7 June 2011):
Talk to your husband first and see where he is at. Have you drifted apart, have previous marital troubles driven a wedge between you, is he living his own life?
Is your husband depressed? some times when people - especially men - are depressed, they are afraid to tell anyone or even admit it to themselves, instead they try to "fix" it by throwing themselves into work so they can escape the loneliness and emptiness that plagues them.
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A
female
reader, imlonely17 +, writes (6 June 2011):
imlonely17 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answers everyone. So fast! Just to clarify a few things. I do have a career myself (part-time) so I have a fair bit of free time. Lots more than my husband does so there may be some resentment there as he works HARD. Also, I have told him I'm lonely many times and I think he's tired of hearing it. Nothing changes. He seems overwhelmed by the kids, his work, etc. and is often quite grumpy. He just works and the odd time he goes out with his friends, which I encourage. I just wish he'd show more interest in me. I'm pretty sure he's not having an affair.
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A
male
reader, wiseoldman  +, writes (6 June 2011):
You have to take into account that the affluent life you say you have is due to your husband's hard work. (you haven't mentioned having a career yourself; if I'm mistaken, my apologies) Sometimes a man who cannot express himself emotionally will indicate love by concrete acts, such as giving his wife and family as much material comfort as possible. But equally, sometimes the qualities needed to be successful in life are the opposite ones required for a loving companion. No relationship is perfect- try talking to him in a very unambiguous maner because men are not too good with hints. Or maybe you could write him a letter.
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A
female
reader, totty-flossy +, writes (6 June 2011):
 This is the easiest question to answer ever...
Talk to your husband!!! You have 20 years and 2 kids behind you so i'm sure you know him well enough by now to know how to broach the subject without hurting his feelings! Just tell him how you have been feeling (I wouldn't mention your fantasies about meeting other men though... probably wouldn't go down very well!)
He will either make every effort to help the relationship and make you feel better about everything or he wont do anything about it! In this case you need to re-evaluate your situation and really think if you want to spend the rest of your life with this man!
Maybe if you got a hobby together (tennis, squash, running) and had 1 or 2 nights a week to yourselves were you go out for a meal or to the cinema or something (ideally without the kids) then you may have more in common and fall in love all over again.
If this isn't the case then maybe you need to accept that although you once loved each other very much and you have a lot of history with each other that the relationship has run its course, but in my opinion for you to have made it 20 years and 2 kids then your obviously doing something right and this can definitely be saved but not unless you tell him how your feeling!!! :) xx Good luck! xx
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female
reader, Aunty Susie  +, writes (6 June 2011):
 You need to start talking to him. Tell him what you have just told us. Ask him what his thoughts are on your relationship. How is he feeling about his life. Maybe he is in a rut and just wasn't aware, too busy with work and life. It is too sad to live your life feeling the way that you do, act now and try and make it different. If together, you don't know what to do, to make it better, maybe marriage counselling could be the way. Good luck.
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