A
female
age
41-50,
*ahminPA
writes:I am a stay-home mother to a two year old daughter and a one month old son. Before our first child was born I worked full time but my husband and I felt it was important for one of us to be around while our kids are little. He makes more money than I did (basically double my salary) so I was the obvious choice to stay at home. My husband doesn't make a fortune but he makes a very good salary with good benefits. We have bills to pay but nothing extraordinary - we're not in major debt or anything like that. Unfortunately, he does not give me any access to "his" money nor any kind of spending money for the week. Right now I literally have some coins in my wallet! I don't have a bank card, any credit cards, checks, etc. If I need something for the kids I have to ask (beg!) for money. Usually he ends up saying that HE will get it on his way home from work instad. Before our son was born I ordered a few outfits and baby care items online (because we honestly needed them) and he got really upset and cancelled the credit card so I couldn't buy anything else online!!! I didn't even spend a lot - like $100-200 (US)!!! I hate feeling like I have to 'beg' for money when I need something for the kids. Right now my car is almost on empty (gas) because I don't even have money to get gas (he is the one that always gets the gas filled!). He does most of the grocery shopping too. He said he was going to buy groceries this weekend but he was really busy and never went. Now he's at work and I'm at home and there's nothing much for me to eat (there is plenty for our kids at least - I won't let them be without what they need!). Honestly, most days I just drink caffeinated beverages (because I'm also soooo tired and need the boost) and maybe eat some pretzels or some pasta for dinner. It's totally nuts! Being a stay at home mom is diffiult and I understand that we're on only one salary, but seriously, sometimes I need to get out and just grab a sandwich for myself or buy tampons! LOL! I hate living like this. He is a little OCD (undiagnosed, just my opinion from knowing him) but he's not a bad guy or abusive. I am thankful for what we DO have. BUT...shouldn't I AT LEAST be given a weekly "allowance" or something for the sake of the kids? I think so! So annoyed.
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female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (13 September 2011):
 Hi,Sorry that your husband is so controlling. You sound like a great person, amazing mom, and the things you want is so little, basic stuff, and shocks me to hear that your husband gets mad at you for spending 200? The only solution here is to hope and pray that your husband understands you, and change the way he controls the money. Besides the money, you said he's a good husband, but this one problem is so huge... I can only imagine how much you are holding inside. Even though you are a stay home mom, you get stress, need to go out, have your own time. It's only fair, we are humans and we have our own needs. It's hard to tell you what to do? I know you have 2 beautiful children, a marriage, so much, but I wouldn't be able to live this way. You are a strong, amazing woman to accept, don't have a bad attitude, and not say a bad word about your husband. The amount of patience you have is indescribable. I wish you all the best, you are a great person...Good luck
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2011): Why don't you have your own bank account and cheque/eftpos card? I think this sounds very controlling. Its one thing for your husband to be concerned about extra spending and to be careful with money, but its another thing to completly deny you anything. tell him you can't possibly run a household that way.
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A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (12 September 2011):
 The fact that you are at home raising his children and doing housework so he can go out and earn money makes that part of the marital income. It was his idea as well as yours that you stay home.
You'll have to do better by yourself. You have to make time for meals and naps, as needed. If you have close family or friends, ask someone to babysit occasionally so you can get the time you need to take batter care of yourself.
Then, when you are well-rested and the kids are in bed, pour yourselves a glass of wine. Sit your husband down - whether he is tired or not - and start talking about how to fix this. You may need to talk about how you can BOTH work out an arrangement that allows you to return to work; day-care, increased gas and insurance costs, etc.
The threat of you going back to work so you can have money of your own (even if part-time) may be enough to loosen up some of the purse strings.
I would also demand to be a part of the financial decisions and to have access to accounts, etc. Really – this isn’t the 1950’s and if it were, he would be required to ensure his wife had some food to eat!
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A
female
reader, rile962 +, writes (12 September 2011):
Your situation is not only unfair, it is also unsafe. What if something happens to him? How will have access to money so you can live until he is well again? He may be a little OCD and not abusive, but one spouse controlling all the money is not a good indicator of a healthy relationship.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 September 2011):
 Sounds so much like my first marriage. My mother used to give me money so I would have cash.
have you asked him to show you the budget?
do you know where all the money is going?
do you have a say in what is spent at all?
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