A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my bf had been together nearly 2 years when i cheated.I was away on a school trip i was 18. On the last night things got out of control, loads of drinking from the students and teachers. I was really drunk ,I know its not an excuse. I don't know exactly how but me and a teacher ( he is only 4 years older ) ended up together , we were talking and then one thing led to another. It got a hands on, flirting, teasing and touching. I remember seeing his cargo shorts (my bf always wears them) and actually thinking that it was my bf there. The teacher tried to put his hands up my skirt but i wouldn’t let him, he also was trying to kiss me but i kept turning my head away and he was kissing my neck instead and i kissed his back. I remember just saying 'I cant do this' and managed to stagger away. It didn't get anymore physical then that. It wasn’t just the teacher , I influenced it too and he wasn’t forceful or anything like that.I wondered why I did it, I thought that maybe I didn't love him as much as I thought I did, but when I saw him when I got back I knew that I did love him. We both went to the same college together after it happened. It was such an important year for us both with exams so I decided not to tell him, I couldn’t let something as important as our careers get affected. I knew for sure that if I was at college and saw him every day and we had broken up , that I wouldn’t be able to deal with it and probably quit. Then when I finished college and planned to tell him , but he was failing his exams and couldn’t get a job. He now hates the job he is in and hasn’t gone down the career he wanted to.He doesn’t have a big network of friends, I’m his best friend, we spend our weekends together and I don’t know what he would be like without me. He tells me he wants to marry me and have my children. I want to tell him so much! Since it happened I don’t remember going to sleep without thinking about it and the same with waking up. The guilt has manifested in to something that controls my life. I have lost my head. I don’t know if this guilt has made me look too much into the situation and blown everything out of proportion. Every time I have a spare 5 minutes it’s spent thinking about the fact that I might loose him. You might think that I'm being dramatic, but I'm not sure if I have un-diagnosed bi-polar. I have thought this for a few years before I cheated, I go from big highs to depressions for days. I dabbled with self harming when I was 14ish and have had thoughts about doing it again since I cheated. The guilt definitely doesn’t help with these emotions I go through. I hate myself so much for what I have done. But then I think ‘wait’. I’m human. I made a mistake. Love isn’t a fairytale remance like in the movies. I am more then learning from it. I’m punishing myself mentally more then my boyfriend ever would. I understand that I was young. It was the ‘big’ year I was legally able to drink. I was away on a great holiday with my best friends and with the atmosphere things got carried away. I think that even though I was so drunk off my mind I was still thinking of my bf and knew it was wrong. If I wanted something to happen with the teacher then it would have happened then and more would have happened. I never went out thinking that I wanted to cheat and while it was happening I don’t remember thinking that I wanted it to happen and I never chose to hurt my bf. The 1 solid choice I was able to make that night was not to go any further. I haven’t chosen not to tell him to protect myself. If I was doing it for me I would have told him so that for the past 2 years I would have been able to be happy.2 years later were so happy, well he is. I’m not. I've come to realise that there will never be a right time to tell him. Which is why I’m thinking of doing it soon. I gave my virginity to my bf. It took me over year to sleep with him. You may find it hard to believe but I was raised a catholic. I never met another person my age at school or in my group of friends that believed in no sex before marriage. So I found it very hard to believe that I ever would find some one, so I slept with my bf. I don’t regret it because I genuinely felt like he is the man I want to marry, I want him to be the father of my children. And my intention was that he was the only one who would share that with me. Now the thought that he might not be the only man that I sleep with makes me so upset because if I lose him I also lose my religious part as well. I love him more then I love myself. Which I why I’m so scared to lose him. Every time he says I love you, I think that one day I might not ever hear that again. Its like he has a terminal illness, I know one day he might never be there. I feel so guilty for what I did, but I feel guilty just as much for him and him not being able to know the truth, he deserves to make the final decision. I respect him and I love him. But if I carry on feeling the way I do now, I know I won’t enjoy my future, like when we get married. I feel that at being the age of 20 now and feeling this towards a man , what a waste it would be. I don’t want him to think that the past 4 years has been a lie. I know that I would never repeat these actions. It may sound strange but I consciously make a decision not to cheat because I know how detrimental it can be to me. Where as some people who have never done it presume that they never would. I’m not a horrible person. I didn’t want to hurt him. I was naïve and immature and I am the shadow of my former self.I now need to make a final decision. One that I will stick to. So that I can finally start living my youthfulness again. Weather I tell him to unload my guilt so that I can be happy again /Or/ not to tell him - Accept that I did something terrible which will never be repeated, but I know that he will be happy and in the future hopefully I can learn to forgive myself, what he doesn't can’t hurt him some people would say and my guilt seems like such a small price to pay for his happiness.I don’t even know why I'm posting this on here. After reading back through it it looks to me that I have already made my decision. But my head is all over the place and I think I just need others opinions, I haven’t been able to speak to ant body about this and I just needed to let it out.What do you think of my situation?Have you been in my situation? Just in general what do you think?Sorry for the length !Thanks for your time
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best friend, drunk, flirt, his ex, I love you, immature, kissing, teasing Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2011): First off, report this to the school.
Secondly, drinking with older teachers being involved, that qualifies only as rape if any sex took place and molestation if sex didn't take place.
This teacher, he needs a lesson, or he will be 40 years old doing it to 17 year old schoolgirls.
Don't kid yourself, and don't excuse the teachers, they know what alcohol does to younger people and you were set up.
Doesn't matter what the drinking age is in your province, the bottom line is that the teachers were out of line.
A
male
reader, unknown2u  +, writes (13 September 2011):
I'm sorry, but I really think your guilt is out of hand. I understand that your values make you feel like you've transgressed terribly. But the fact is, you haven't. Not in any way. You received an advance from someone from whom you might care for, and despite your defences being compriomised you stayed true to your values. You might have been tempted, but you stayed true to yourself, and the fact that you'd been drinking, that all sorts of other people would have used that as an excuse to let loose, you shooed him off with little more that a peck on the neck. You should be very, very proud of yourself. Despite the loosening of inhibitions, you stayed true to your values. Congratulate yourself!I think that, rather than confessing to your b/f, you should pat yourself on the back. Nine out of ten girls would have disgraced theirselves. You were the one out of ten who showed real charachter. Revel in that, and don't bother your b/f with a nothing encounter that meant nothing other than you proved your charachter.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (12 September 2011):
 You want him to tell you in graphic detail all the fantasys he has?
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A
female
reader, Lola1 +, writes (12 September 2011):
 If you and your boyfriend break up, it doesn’t mean you are losing your religious identity. Catholicism speaks loudly and often about forgiveness. One simply needs to be sorry, truly, and they are forgiven their sins. Having premarital sex with a man you love deeply and plan to marry is the least of God’s concerns.
Guilt is an emotion which can be used for good – it helps us self-correct inappropriate behaviour. Once that self-correction is complete, there is no further ‘good’ use for guilt. Continued guilt, the kind that leads to self-destructive thoughts and behaviours, such as depression, is not serving God. God is loving. You must know God doesn’t wish you to suffer so much.
Unburdening yourself onto your boyfriend, confessing your sin to him, will make you feel better. It won’t make him feel better, but it will help you feel better. Ultimately it is an act that you will be doing for you – that doesn’t make it ‘evil’, though.
There is a good chance that he will be angry and then forgive you because you did not actually have intercourse with this ex-teacher, and because it happened so long ago. There is also a possibility that he will be unable to overcome his feelings of anger, hurt and betrayal and your relationship will end.
If you are not inclined to cheat again and love your boyfriend immensely, then you do not need to tell him. You did far less than many other people have done and you could forgive yourself and move on. If you are determined to be ‘open and honest’ with your boyfriend, then you are right; there is never going to be a good time to tell him, and the sooner you do tell him, the better for everyone.
You feel the guilt so intensely because you trust and believe in the Catholic teachings of your childhood. This is a good thing. Confessing to your boyfriend, regardless of the outcome, may have a beautiful cleansing effect on your emotional well-being and once you have both (hopefully) worked through the potential emotional turmoil, you may find that you are in a far more beautiful and emotionally-intimate place than you could ever have hoped to be without telling him.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for your answers, i know its right to tell him , and i will do. Even knowing that there will be some sort of end to this is making me feel better. But that's my next situation, how do i tell him about something that happened so long ago? What do i tell him exactly? all the details or what?
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A
male
reader, wiseoldman  +, writes (12 September 2011):
Casting yourself in the role of a Scarlet Woman when your behaviour barely qualifies you to be pale pink is being a bit hard on yourself. A drunken fumble lasting no time at all at a young age with no clothing removed and no sex certainly doesn't constitute cheating. You didn't even kiss the guy on the lips! As mistakes go it's pretty tame, not terrible, and there's many a man who's REALLY been cheated on who'd be delighted if his significant other had only gone that far. Wouldn't your b/f be more hurt learning about this 'incident' than you are feeling for concealing it? Leave it be, it's in the past, and since you know what alcohol does to you, be careful with that in future too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2011): Tell him, i would rather know if my partner did this than not know, if i found out otherwise i wouldnt never be with her if she didnt tell me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2011): I don't see this as being completely your fault because your teacher is breaking laws by having any contact like that with you and by drinking with you. This guilt is weighing heavily on you so yes I would tell your bf about it. Hopefully he will see that this was a mistake and forgive you and I'm sure he knows how much you love him. You were drunk, you were taken advantage of by an authority figure and it's not like you actually had sex with this guy. I would definitely forgive this if I were your bf. It has been two years and you have been faithful. Unburden yourself because if you don't it will ruin your relationship anyway.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 September 2011):
 Put the shoe on the other foot. Would you want you BF to tell you if he had been in the exact same position? Would it change how you feel about him?
Drinking,youth, holiday.. what not doesn't excuse it but only laid out possible explanations.
It seems to me that it is weighing hard on your soul. And honestly I don't think entering into a marriage with this in your "baggage" is fair on either of you.
Personally, I would tell him. Get it out, get it over with.
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