A
female
age
,
*opless1
writes:Hello everyone, I have been married for almost nine years, I have a wonderful husband, he's been the most kindest, compassionate, wonderful man I have ever known, only problem is, is that we don't get intimate nearly enough, if I'm lucky it's once a month, and I'm not exaggerating either. Well, I've had some sit down talks with him about how I've been feeling many, many times, he's told me he'll work on it, but so far he hasn't, this has been going on for 7 years now, last time we had this talk, I told him if something doesn't change, something is gonna happen, and he knew what I meant by that, and guess what? It did happen not once, but twice, the first time it was an online affair, I'm over that one, this one just happened recently, and we fell in love very quickly, then my husband found out and sent him a very stern email to stay away from me, so since then he's been very distant, and it's killing me, I want what we once had, but he's told me that what we did wasn't right, and he was feeling guilty and that what my husband wrote was very true, I have to agree with him, however I'm having a hard time letting go, I know I need to in order for our marriage to work, but in all honesty I don't know that our marriage is going to change, I've already seen changes in my husband, he's trying real hard, and I am a very lucky woman that he is forgiving, I know what I have to do, I'm just having trouble doing it, and getting it over with...anyone out there been in my shoes, or even remotely close, any advice/suggestions would be helpful at this time, as I need to make a decision here very soon, thanks!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2012): I hate it when people use the Holy Book to justify their wrongdoing. It also makes my blood boil when the whole "Christianity" thing is played. It shows hypocracy and total disrespect for the religion . (Sorry just wanted to get this out...)
OP you cheated twice.
You have given your hb ultimatum and well since he didn't comply u found it in you to surf the net for your sex? And u see nothing wrong about this?
You claim that your hb doesn't meet your need BUT do u meet his. Do u love, respect, honour, forsaking all others? U messed up, however u have been shifting the blame on your hb. Wow, great, right?
OP seems like you LIKE CHEATING. Whether your hb does a 360 doesn't matter. You get your kicks from other men. U love the excitement. The forbidden. The illicit. And u are Not going to stop. U may not admit it and hey, u will deny it but internet trawling is addictive.
What to do: stop blaming your hb for everything. I wish he does get up, grow some 8alls and show u the door. You show no remorse and u have shown nothing to save this marriage. So your hb has a lower sex drive. Then get a vibrator NOT other men!
U need to take a critical look at your life and YOU need to make changes. You need to be the change and well, if u dish it out but cannot follow through yourself then line up in the divorce court.
At least that so called "good" other man is now fearful in doing the deed with a married woman. Perhaps there's hope for him yet!
LoveGirl
A
female
reader, bonit  +, writes (26 January 2012):
If u really want to work things out you must let go and stand in truth and integrity!! Love is not selfish. You cant have both!! Lots of luck.
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A
female
reader, Trinklett  +, writes (17 January 2012):
 Its a good thing for you that your husband is willing to stick with you and work on the marriage. Not having needs met in a marriage leads to a lot of havoc and I hope you can pull out of this, but seeing that even you fell that things will still return to what it used to be points that you could still go back out looking for this attention again. It may be that your husband just doesn't have it in him to be an emotional person some people are like that especially since you say other than that he's the kindest and most wonderful man you've ever come across. If you dated your share of men before settling down, then you know you have a keeper for a husband. All these other guys out there you MIGHT get to find out have NO manners at all. Having said that you're a woman with sexual and emotional needs that aren't been met. Since you've spoken to him several times about it, I take it he isn't going to change in the long run. He would never agree to an open marriage, so you have to weigh the situation for yourself. I noticed you mentioned religion, so maybe you're not really interested in a divorce(?). Nine years is a long time to be with someone. Accept him the way he is or leave him.
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A
female
reader, HippyChick  +, writes (16 January 2012):
 For the record I agree with Code Warrior. What you have to see is that it's fun sipping champagne until the wee hours of the morning but someone still has to dump the empty bottles in the rubbish the morning after. Make your decision, on what's real not what you think is.
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A
female
reader, Hopless1 +, writes (16 January 2012):
Hopless1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your honest answer, and I completely agree with you 100%, I know I have a great guy, but my only complaint is that there has been very little sex over the last 7 years, now I have a strong feeling that a man would have done the same thing, sex isn't everything I know, but it even states in the Bible that if you aren't satisfying your spouse's needs, you leave the door open for Satan to come in, and this other man is also a Christian, and yes even Christians fail constantly, we are no better than the average person, we have to live up to higher expectations than the normal person, but I am human, and I have needs, and it's not like I just went out and did this, I did not plan this, I have talked to my husband for several years about this issue, and it seemed he didn't take it seriously until all this happened, I plan on ending it with this other guy, as painful as it will be, and I'm also afraid that our marriage will go back to the way it used to be, I know I have a wonderful man, he had been very forgiving and understanding, understanding the in the sense that he neglected me in certain areas that should have never happened, I am torn apart about having to end it with this man; however I know it's the best thing to do, and often the best thing to do is the hardest thing to do, this other man and I have had very little communication lately, and it's taken a toll on me, I know ever since my husband confronted him, he's backed off, we had plans to meet up again this week, but I plan on telling him that it just can't happen, and it's tearing me apart because I do want to see him, and I do want things to be the way they used to be, but I also agree that this is the first stage of love, and sooner or later reality will set in, and will this man treat me as well as my husband, I seriously doubted, so with all this said, the plan is to end it completely, I will be torn apart for a while, but I know in time I will heal, and I just pray that my husband will put forth the effort that he said he would. By the way, we are going to get counseling for this, thanks for listening, and giving your honest advice, I need to hear more honest advice/suggestions and/or feedback please, thanks again!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 January 2012):
 You're writing this as if there are only two options here:
Leave, or cheat.
This is simply not true. While I understand needs not getting met by the marriage (many guys talk about their sexual needs not being met, and it's valid as well), cheating is never the solution, as it only leads to more emptiness.
You already tried to communicate plainly and directly to your husband about this issue. That leaves other options open to you besides cheating.
There's leaving the marriage. Face it, if you stay with your husband, yet cheat online or in person with other guys, you're using your husband for financial and social gain. This isn't right. You should leave your husband if things won't change.
There's another option that isn't usually talked about. There's talking to your husband about opening your marriage. This means sanctioned extramarital relationships that fall within the rules both of you agree on. A lot of times, this isn't even spoken about since the person who wants to go out and cheat isn't quite as happy with their spouse doing the same thing. Face it, as focused on your own needs as you are, how would you really think of your husband running around behind your back with other women?
I understand what Code Warrior is saying, that the "in love" feeling that gives us all butterflies is awesome, but people overlook that if a marriage is cultivated and given a lot of attention for the long haul, that borderline obsessional butterflies feeling that causes us to annoy our friends with its gooeyness is replaced by a much deeper, stronger, steadier love and affection that is much more mature and ultimately more satisfying.
Bottom line, you may think your solution is good, but once you realize that all of this fantasy you're buying into is just more guys using you like a cheap Saturday night handkerchief, you'll appreciate your husband more.
Think outside the two options you're only allowing yourself to consider.
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A
female
reader, Hopless1 +, writes (16 January 2012):
Hopless1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your honest answer, and I completely agree with you 100%, I know I have a great guy, but my only complaint is that there has been very little sex over the last 7 years, now I have a strong feeling that a man would have done the same thing, sex isn't everything I know, but it even states in the Bible that if you aren't satisfying your spouse's needs, you leave the door open for Satan to come in, and this other man is also a Christian, and yes even Christians fail constantly, we are no better than the average person, we have to live up to higher expectations than the normal person, but I am human, and I have needs, and it's not like I just went out and did this, I did not plan this, I have talked to my husband for several years about this issue, and it seemed he didn't take it seriously until all this happened, I plan on ending it with this other guy, as painful as it will be, and I'm also afraid that our marriage will go back to the way it used to be, I know I have a wonderful man, he had been very forgiving and understanding, understanding the in the sense that he neglected me in certain areas that should have never happened, I am torn apart about having to end it with this man; however I know it's the best thing to do, and often the best thing to do is the hardest thing to do, this other man and I have had very little communication lately, and it's taken a toll on me, I know ever since my husband confronted him, he's backed off, we had plans to meet up again this week, but I plan on telling him that it just can't happen, and it's tearing me apart because I do want to see him, and I do want things to be the way they used to be, but I also agree that this is the first stage of love, and sooner or later reality will set in, and will this man treat me as well as my husband, I seriously doubted, so with all this said, the plan is to end it completely, I will be torn apart for a while, but I know in time I will heal, and I just pray that my husband will put forth the effort that he said he would. By the way, we are going to get counseling for this, thanks for listening, and giving your honest advice, I need to hear more honest advice/suggestions and/or feedback please, thanks again!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (16 January 2012):
 When partners have a sexual mis-match it can be excrutiating... (I know; Been there - done that)...
All you can do is reveal your frustration to your partner (as you have done) and make it clear that you cannot continue as the two of you have...... THEN, if there is no change.... go your separate ways....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2012): You are lucky he is still there. If things are so bad you should have left him. Instead you cheated and you are still playing the victim role now. I think you would be better leaving him. At least he'll have a chance of meeting someone real that way. As for you, go back online, you make a good couple. You are unbelievable.
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