A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I dated this guy 8yrs ago... I know long time move on. Anyway we were young and we only dated for a very short while, but e both thought we were in love. We had a horrible break up and didn't communicate for 2years. Well out of the blue we come in contact again and have been talking ever since. One of the first things he tells me is the reason for our bresk up. He claims it was because he found out he was bring deployed and he didnt think it was right to make me wait around for him. Well recently things have been different between us. He has opened up about his life and seems to be very comfortable with telling me anything. He compliments me on how much I've changed and my accomplishments. He also remembers a lot about our relationship, things ranging from sex to the little stupid things we have said and did. One night while we were talking i made a comment anout a mutual friend of ours, i told my ex that i dated the friend about 3years after we broke up. Well that was the wrong thing to say because he flipped out on me and proceeded to tell me that i coild never say that he was ever upset about our break up because he never did that to me. Well after that things were really rocky with us but now its back to the way it was before and I'm starting to find that I'm falling back in love with him. I decided to tell him that I would like for us to try again, but when I did he didn't say much. All he said was that we should forget I told him that because he's not the same guy I dated before. Being deployed ( he has deployed a total of 3-4 times) has really changed him, and that he has no feelings anymore about everything. I believe what he said because this is something he has been saying since before I told him I would like for us to try again. It hurt that he just wants to forget about it.So my question is does he care about me at all? If so could he still possibly love me still? How can I help him feel better about himself? Please help me out expecially any soldiers out there.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much.... I am being there for him and yes he told me the other day he is being sent out again. He has promised to stay in communication as much as possible but I also see now at this point he is slipping away from me and probably everyone else except his family. He will go see someone Ive tried to suggest that but zi dont push it. Its funny Im working on getting my psychology degree so Im trying to use what I have learned to help him. He wont really talk about things that happened while deployed. Hes only open about the thiings in his life now. When we broke up he told me it was becasue he was deploying. Right now I'm being a friend to him a safe place for him. He knows I think hes strong and just an all around wonderful person o matter what he may think of himself. I just care about him so much it hurts and I hate to see him in is moods where he feels like he really has no purpose.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2012): Hi there,I believe the previous poster was spot on when she said he obviously cares otherwise you dating the mutual friend would not have bothered him. It could definitely be that he is afraid of getting hurt, or is afraid he may be deployed again. Is that a possibility or is he done being deployed?Also, it could be depression - being deployed all those times, and it having changed him as he said, could account for him saying "he has no feelings anymore about everything". He must have been through horrifying, atrocious times, so he needs to heal. To answer your question - does he care about me at all? It sounds like it, and only time will tell. If so could he still possibly love me still? Again, only time will tell because if even he is denying any feelings, it's hard to determine. His actions, alongside his words and thoughts will illuminate more as time goes by. How can I help him feel better about himself? Give him time...be yourself, be patient, be gentle and a "soft place for him to fall" - someone he can trust, open up to, and continue to share his thoughts and feelings about anything. Be understanding, be considerate and his rock. Be his best friend. Do not pressure him about anything, including the future. Sure, let him know how you feel, what you desire, but allow him the time to settle back into reality, into the life he left before, which is so different: he is different, his life is different, and he may have different needs and goals. Everything may change, after what he experienced, witnessed and shared with the other soldiers. There may be survivor guilt. There may be nightmares. Years ago, I had an online friend who was a solider and I learnt much about them. He had been lied and cheated on so much, each time he left - this could explain why this guy didn't want to be involved before he left (fear of hurt/rejection). My friend also used to tell me how girls would laugh or tease him when he had nightmares - I was so upset when I heard that. Here is a man, a soldier, a strong wonderful guy, who should be appreciated, loved and comforted through that, instead of making a mockery of it. So be there for him in whatever way he needs, and allows. As he begins to trust you again, to re-connect more, he may realise his feelings are all still there, burried.Or, he may need therapy to process everything he went through... only professionals can help with depression, so if it looks like it's the case, encourage him to see someone, to get it all out. If he, being a man, does not want to go to therapy, and you feel listening is not enough, trust me, it is. Just having someone you can trust, who will listen to your thoughts, fears, feelings, and anything else, is a blessing. Realise that we are all capable of handling our own lives, we have the tools to do it, we just need to open up and share our stories. In so doing, we ourselves find the answers to our own questions, to our goals, dreams and future. Good luck, I hope it goes well for you. Thank him for his contribution to his country, he is a hero, appreciate him, and if after an amount of time you realise he does not choose to have a romantic life with you, then be his best friend and I'm sure one day the right one will be there - whether it's him, or someone else.Best Wishes,xxxx E
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 January 2012):
 Well if he said that he does not care about anything any more then why would he flip out about you dating that mutual friend all those years ago. Sorry I don't buy it. He obviously cares when that bothered him, if he didn't well then he probably wouldn't have even commented on it. There could be a number of reasons why he does not want to try with you again, maybe he is afraid of getting hurt, maybe he simply just doesn't want a relationship in case he is deployed again therefore he just wants to remain single. I am afraid you cannot really change his mind on this one, but you can keep reminding him about how you feel and how badly you would like to give things another go but unfortunately for you there really is nothing you can do to change his mind. Good luck.
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