A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:im soooo hurt. i dont know what to do with myself, or how to get over this betrayal. my husband of 15 years was caught red handed with a 23 year old. and now he has packed his stuff and told me he does not love me anymore.... i dont understand, just yesterday we were holding hands and talking about buying a house, and kissing and telling each other that we loved one another. what happened was i blind? how can some young hot girl just come along and wreck my marriage? he said she knew about me, and she didnt care that she wanted to be with him, and he said he wanted to be with her. i cant quit crying. does people have that much power to just come in and tear up what took all of these years to build. was all of it a lie? did he ever love me? what could i have done to prevent this? i gave him more than any woman could give a man.. how do you go on knowing someone does not love you anymore? i want him back. HELP
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female
reader, Patellen +, writes (16 April 2013):
i am so sorry you have to go through this!Men go through midlife crisis just like women go through menopause. A real man who respects you and his family would not have done this to you. he will regret it! the little 20 something will not stay with him, but will use him, then move on. if she was older, then I think there might have been a different outcome, but at her age, i think she'll move on. you need to be taking care of yourself now. the sooner you protect your assets, bank accounts, savings etc., the better. see an attorney and file. get full custody of the kids. cry, but move on. concentrate on a "new you" to give yourself an uplift! change your hairstyle and maybe even your hair color. get with friends and have fun figuring out what to do to make yourself feel good. i know you love this man, but one thing i learned throughout life is that you cannot control people. i think he'll wake up, but it may be too late. if he does and wants to come back, no one but you can make that decision and even at that, it may depend on how long he is gone and what transpires for you to make up your mind. i've been through two failed marriages, but short. i lost my soulmate of 35 years to als. talk about feeling lost! yes, i know what you mean. don't feel bad to grieve. people go through stages of loss. just don't let it get you down and for heaven's sake, please don't let this ruin your life and become bitter. there are lots of men out there that would love to have you in their life. never give up!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2013): Aunty BimBim is spot on! Get your finances in order quick smart. If you don`t feel up to the job, get a friend or family member to help you. You are jointly liable for anything in joint names. So if he decides to take his fling on a world cruise and maxes out the credit cards, YOU are jointly liable to repay it if the cards are in your name too. Same with any joint bank accounts, so sort them out and if you cant close them without his permission, have them frozen instead by telling the card companies/bank that you are now separated. Open a separate account for your finances if you dont already have one. He has given you a shock! Give him one back. Bag up his belongings, leave them with his friends or family and change the locks. That way he has absolutely no excuse to keep creeping back to the home. It might be tempting to keep hold of his things as an excuse to see him but it could backfire on you and leave you feeling even worse if he has free access to come and go as he pleases.If he has told you he doesnt love you and he is with this other woman. Then I`m afraid things dont look too good. It will be very difficult and hurtful to try and understand that when you obviously thought things were great between you. So I hope you have good friends and family around because you will need a little support for a while. Have a good cry when you need to, better out than in! You are grieving the loss of your husband, so naturally you will feel shocked and sad. So allow yourself some time to grieve. But temper your grief with the thought that he hasnt passed away, he is hiding out with his fling, while they no doubt bicker about who`s fault it is that they have found themselves holed up in this situation. With respect, the man is a coward because he cheated on you, then fled instead of facing up to any problems he had with the marriage and trying to work things out with you.But once your pride kicks in you will see that and start to feel a bit better about things because this has not been your fault. As Aunty BimBim says, there are many of us with you in spirit. So look after yourself and keep busy. Make yourself do things. Try a radical new hair do and buy new clothes, go to the gym, join a walking club, join a reading club. Get yourself out there, dont fester on the sofa, that is the worse thing you can do.Having a fling and sneaking about to do it, might have seemed highly exciting and titillating to your husband. But now hes been caught and the truth revealed, see how long it takes for the novelty and excitement to wear thin...because it will. By the time the silly old fart has burned himself out trying to keep his young fling happy, hopefully you will be in a good place emotionally and not even consider having him back!Try and find something to smile or laugh about every day. You are stronger than you know. You will be okay x
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 April 2013):
 I agree with Auntie BimBim.Cancel creditcards that are in both your names, change the locks, and so forth. Also find a lawyer.Secondly. Your anger is directed at the wrong person. This young woman didn't come ruin your marriage. She didn't steal your husband. HE ruined your marriage, he CHOSE to cheat. It's not like she had a gun at his head MAKING him do this. So IF you are going to feel anger, at least direct it at the right person.As for the future, I would start looking at making your life about YOU. Not him any more. I know that hurts to think off, but life doesn't end because he can't keep it in his pants, or because HE had a midlife crisis.I'm sorry you are even having to deal with this. Deceit, disrespect and lies are hurtful.Chin up it will get better.
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A
female
reader, Pali305 +, writes (16 April 2013):
It hurts I know. Honestly in my opionion men like that are lost! He is definetly thinking with the other head down below. I do belive he loved you and probably still does, but once again men like that are in for the "ride." They will never change , and I promise you there was nothing you could have done on your part. You could have been the queen of England and he would have still done it. Right now he is just living his fantasies , once reality kicks in, then I wouldn't be surprised if he comes running back, but don't dwell on it. If youe'r smart, I would ask for divorce and get full custody if you have kids.. Just to show himHow it feels to lose everything . And please don't beat yourself on this, it won't get you anywhere. Take a vacation. Change your locks just in case he ever decides to come back ( they usually try to, when the younger women wakes up and realizes she doesn't want an older man) . Anyways , divorce , get dolled up and do something you haven't doneBefore .. Go out , go to the gym .. Surround yourself around caring and positive people, I promise you when you have a support system around you , you will become a stronger women and overcome this. It takes time..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2013): Firstly just try and get on with things and keep yourself as busy as possible, don't phone him or have contact with him unless it is business stuff eg: house/kids/finances.
Try and do lots of feel good stuff even if it is going for a walk with an ipod on, anything to take your mind off things.
Give him time and he will want to come back to you and then you will be the one to decide if you really do want him back as some-one cheating on you is a HUGE hurdle to get over and lot's of trust has gone.
You are number one, have a good cry I'm not saying don't but clear up everything that has to be done and you hold your head up high.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (16 April 2013):
 First you must make sure you are going to be okay financially, if you have a joint account REMOVE everything and put it in your name only. Your husband has just shown you he is not to be trusted, so DONT TRUST HIM! Cancel any credit cards that both can use.
Change the locks, if he has left anything behind that he wants TOO BAD! You are in no condition to deal with him right now. If he tries to get stuff tell him you cant cope with him right now and to come back in a few weeks.
At the moment you are a victim, and victims are vulnerable. By doing the above you will simply be protecting yourself from any attacks on a practical or material level. Emotionally it will be a roller coaster for a few weeks/months.
Just take each day as it comes, if you have a closer girlfriend or sister you can talk to contact them now, if they can come to you great, if not just get on the phone and have a good cry --- bawl your eyes out if that is what you need.
One foot in front of the other, don't make any (NOT ANY) rash decisions, try not to let your emotions rule, if he comes back tomorrow, well, dont let him in, he needs to SHOW and demonstrate he is worthy of your love, and if that means he has to woo and win you all over again, to rebuilt trust that that is what he is going to have to do, he has just ripped apart 15 years and that is going to take a lot more than a few days or weeks to repair.
Just know that you are not alone, all over the world there are women who are now sending you positive thoughts and strength, standing shoulder to shoulder with you in spirit if not in body.
One foot in front of the other, one step after the other is the way to go until you can garner enough strength to do whatever it takes to get your life back on track again.
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A
male
reader, MikeEa1 +, writes (16 April 2013):
 ouch, these things happen and that is life. we evolve to deal with it all. I'm sorry for you that it hit so hard. You might get back with him. He might realise what a mistake he made. But there's going to be a lot of hard work either way. good luck.
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