A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Before reading this, please understand that I do realise what I did was wrong, I see the mistakes I made and the faults in my decisions. Just in case I receive any answers telling me how stupid I was, because I already know.Okay, so I'm 20 years old, 21 in a few months, I'm a virgin, never had a boyfriend, quite nervous and shy when it comes to guys. But around friends I'm very fun and outgoing in general.Now, I was seeing a guy at the end of 2011, beginning of 2012. Although it was a very long time ago and I am over what he did. He was VERY manipulative, devious and deceptive. I did not know all this during the time I was dating him but towards the end I started to "wake up". During that time period I was dealing with a lot of things, I lost two close friends of mine, my parents were going through a divorce, I had just started university and felt extremely alone and stressed as I had moved out of home, and I felt extremely isolated in general. I was dating this guy around the same time all this was happening, we were on and off for about 6 months in total, we saw each other every 2-ish weeks, and he treated me like s**t. Now I know, you must be thinking why I stayed, to be quite honest, I have no idea. At the time I was so naive, so gullible, I was refusing to believe how badly he was treating me, he was not abusive but there was a way in which he did things, he would be extremely sweet but there was some hidden agenda behind it, he was cunning. I'm sure he must have seen my weak points, seen how vulnerable and how low my self esteem was and decided to take advantage. It got to the point where I felt like I needed him, I didn't love him but there was something in me feeling like I couldn't let go. Looking back on it now, I am very embarrassed of my actions but when things got sexual between us he was extremely persuasive and he convinced me to give him head (he was the first guy I did this with). Now, I don't blame him, obviously it was my fault for staying and doing all that, so I do take the blame as well, I know I was in the wrong. But what's done is done.Anyways, he convinced me to give him head. I did it, I didn't mind it at the time because he was being 'sweet' and I didn't think on it too much because at the time I felt like I sort of 'had' to do it. (I don't know why) but then I saw him again, this time around I was quite hesitant, more wary but yet I did it anyway (stupid, I know) he was rough with it, I ended up gagging, I didn't like the feeling, it wasn't the same as the first time around, what's worse is, I was at his house and as soon as I had finished doing it, he popped his shoes back on and told me he's walking me to the station. This made me feel sick, cheap, dirty and degrading. I used to spend a few hours with him each time I saw him, but this time he got rid of me within 30 minutes of being in his house. On my way home I had reached an ultimate low, I felt disgusting and I ended all contact with him. No heads up. Deleted his number, decided to move on and never saw him again. Since then, I have not seen anyone, until now.I have recently met a guy (21 y/o) that I adore. I met him four months ago, we started talking as friends, but over the last month 2 months, things have become intense, we speak every single day, we are both only seeing each other, I have not met someone so "real" in a long time, we live a little far apart so I don't get to see him a lot but I really do like him. He's different. Nothing like the past guys I've dated. He's understanding, extremely patient, he knows I'm a virgin and he just doesn't care, he's from a good family, has a lovely heart and I have been sexual with him once, but he only fingered me. I would say we have an alright level of communication, we have discussed sex, foreplay, etc. before. We were talking about likes and dislikes and he has told me he likes receiving head, I said I have done it in the past. I didn't tell him that I would do it with him, however I would like to do it with him, but there's something stopping me. I just don't want to be in that position again, where I feel so low and degraded after doing it. I know for a fact that if I do it with this guy, I will either get emotional during the act or after. Just imagining it is already putting me off. I get upset when I even think about it. Now, even though me and this guy have a decent level of communication, I find it terribly difficult to open up to people in general, whether it be friends or family or whoever, I prefer doing it anonymously, like on sites like these. I would want to tell him what I've been through but again, it's hard for me, I'll be embarrassed, and I probably will end up crying, because that previous guy did hurt me really badly.Is there any way I can get over this feeling? How I can go about it to take those feelings and thoughts out of my head?
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cheap, divorce, foreplay, move on, moved out, never had a boyfriend, period, self esteem, shy, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2013): Hi. What happened to you when you were young, inexperienced and not in a good place emotionally, happened to you for exactly those reasons! You have nothing to blame yourself for, so dont be so hard on yourself. You gave that guy a chance and tried something out and when it didnt work, you walked. One strike and he was out. Respect to you! You didnt hang about for months or years being used and controlled by him as some would have done. So give yourself some credit. You are a strong young woman.It wasnt your fault that you failed to spot a creep, you`d be surprised how many of us still fail to spot them until its too late, even with some experience under our belts! Oral sex is not the problem, that guy was. But if you are not careful it will become an elephant in the room. Oral sex is something very intimate and doesnt always happen straight away in the best of relationships. So dont feel you HAVE to do it with your new guy because you dont. You are already thinking about the next time you do it and getting in a state, when you dont have to do it at all. In fact if i were you, i wouldnt make any promises about it. You could just say you tried it a couple of times but didnt enjoy it and leave it at that. Instead of fixating on what you feel you have to do for this guy, why not turn the tables and ask what he can do for you? Pleasure is a two way street, so let him do things for you initially and if hes good, loving and considerate, you might find yourself naturally reciprocating without any fear. Also it is wise to let the relationship mature a little before you start having sex, so the guy gets a chance to really know you and form a bond with you. He is less likely to walk away afterwards if he has developed feelings for you. So take your time and forget about what you feel you HAVE to do because you dont have to do anything. Concentrate on what your new guy can do for you and take it from there. Dont let the past turn this budding relationship into nothing but an exercise on how to give this guy head. Its not a sex workshop it is a new relationship so start by deciding what you want from your new man and go from there because your needs should be your priority. See what this guy can do for YOU and build up the trust before you worry about giving him oral sex. I`m sure your new man wont mind how things sexually evolve between you. So take the lead and be in control of your own sex life, go at your own pace and only do what you want to do x
A
male
reader, fzald  +, writes (16 April 2013):
You're describing something extremely common for many people, both male and female. When we are hurt by someone, we tend to associate something with that hurt, and then become afraid whenever that particular thing shows up again, even in a completely different context. It's a protective measure our minds use to try to prevent us from repeating painful or hurtful experiences. How comfortable are you with your new guy? You said you are pretty sure you'll break down crying, but how do you feel about this? Do you think he's understanding enough to listen to your story? Do you think he'd be able to work with you on perhaps working up towards it? If he's a good guy, not only will he understand, but he'll want to do anything to make this better for you. If my girlfriend told me a painful story from her past and started crying, all I'd be able to think of doing is scooping her up in my arms and letting her cry herself out. If you feel he'll be able to understand and listen to you, then go ahead and explain your past. It may be embarassing and hard, but it's part of any serious relationship - being able to talk about not only the good parts but even the bad, embarassing and stressful parts. A good boyfriend will be right there with you no matter what you're facing! :-)As for strategies about how you can become more comfortable with oral sex, perhaps you could slowly work up to the experience? Surround every sexual experience with positive things as much as reasonably possible. Are you comfortable maybe using your hand on him? This might help you get more used to the idea of handling his penis. Maybe you could then work towards some licking in nearby areas but not actually giving him oral? Basically, as long as he understands your situation and your past, he should be able to work with you slowly on working up to this. Best of luck!
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