A
female
age
51-59,
*ooty70
writes:I found out almost 2 years ago my husband was on internet dating sites behind my back for 6 years and met with some of the women for sex. I am having a difficult time still trying to get past this. I've been to marriage counselling, personal counselling however I am still struggling with anger/hurt/betrayal issues. He has explained to me that he was unhappy in our marriage for a lot longer than I have been since finding out about what he did. He says he never set out to have sex but was stupid and just got caught up in it.So what he is trying to say is that he was unhappy for 6 years in the marriage whereas I have only been unhappy for almost 2. He says he pushed me aside and just wanted to talk to people (turns out it was only women that he talked to). He justified his actions with what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me and what he was doing wasn't affecting the family.So I am asking is his saying that he was unhappy a lot longer in the marriage compared to the hurt and anger I now feel about his cheating and deception, justified? He never told me he was unhappy, he reminded me that what he used to say was "I am sick of this". To me that isn't specific enough. Shouldn't he have said, I am sick of You? I am sick of this marriage? I am sick of arguing?I am almost at the point of leaving him and this is what my mind and heart are telling me to do, although he wants to forget what happened and move forward but I find it difficult to do this knowing that he really didnt like being with me for such a long time but never showed it. How am I supposed to believe that he wont get sick of me again if it only took him 3 years of marriage to start cheating?So really I am asking is his stating that he has been unhappy a lot longer than me excusable or reasonable? Thanks. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2011): Sorry to hear about your problem but I will have to say your husband did show you he was unhappy..Sadly you ignored it/brushed it aside..and no, it isnt an excuse to cheat...but he may have tried telling you, you probably did not listen..If a man says 'he is sick of this' several times it is not something to be ignored..I do believ there is a lot more to this than you are saying tough...You both have not being communicating for a while and also not meeting each others need for quite sometime..I would advise that you both seek some help with counselling and with your local church...This did not happen out of the blue and you BOTH have to be prepared to take responsibilty for the state your marriage is in...That said, cheating on his part was wrong but there are circumstances that led to this which should be explored...How are you supposed to believe he wont get sick of you again? and you both will not end up being unfufilled in your marriage? You both have to make a commitment to change and work on your marriage and allso learn forgiveness and patience..All the best
A
female
reader, TEM  +, writes (25 February 2011):
 I believe your husband would like to have his cake and eat it too. That is, he'd like the convenience of a wife, but also the option of behaving as if he is not married. He got away with it for many years before you caught on. My opinion is that he'd like to continue doing what he has been doing. That's why he is asking you if you will "forget what happened and move forward."
The excuses he gave for cheating are really lame. What he did hurt you beyond repair. You have done your best to forgive and forget, but your heart is not in it. I think you don't really love him anymore. I also think your intuition is correct. If you stay with him you will be miserable. Personally, I do not believe this man will change his ways. He will just find better ways of hiding it.
You must ask yourself if you would be better off with him or without him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2011): Firstly, I truly hope this husband of yours took precautions regarding protection during these sexual encounters - assuming you had an active sex life with him also at the time? This is only my personal opinion but I would never show myself such little self-respect and stay with a man that behaved like this. 6 years is a long time - this was not just a one-off mistake that perhaps could have been overcome. Clearly the counselling is not working for you and I would urge you to stop punishing yourself by staying with him - you have tried, you have been honourable in that - but to carry on torturing yourself like this? For how much longer? I cannot imagine you will ever trust him again - but you need to ask yourself that. If the answer, the bottom line is 'no' then your marriage (if that is what you can call it) is over. I know my view is harsh but you owe him nothing.
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A
female
reader, No watered down advice here! +, writes (25 February 2011):
 Inexcusable. If he was unhappy then he should have put that energy he put into other women into his marriage. Don't buy that. He's just trying to do just what he's doing;making you feel guilty about his crap. Life is too short to stay in a relationship where you're not happy. #LEAVEHIM!
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