A
female
age
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*anni62
writes:I have been married for 10 years. I thought all was great, until I got a facebook acct. I wanted to put all my info in there, but to my surprise, I couldnt list my husband, because he has me blocked. When I confronted him he said he did it a while back, when I asked him why he was talking to a woman about needing to get laid. He has hurt my feelings and thinks nothing of it. I told him that I dont care who he talks to, but I do care about what he sayes. I have asked him several times to unblock me, if he has nothing to hide, and my requests go unanswered. He acts as if everything is fine, still expecting sex,but I am finding it harder to do that, because I am so hurt by this. Any help on ways of telling him how I feel would be greatly appreciated. Also to note, if he doesnt like what he hears, he leaves for days on end. Thank you.
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (23 February 2011):
Even after he blatantly admits that he's soliciting sex from someone else, he refuses to stop doing it. This is extremely disrespectful to you and to your marriage. You're right that he does not care how much he hurts you.
The question is WHY does he not care how much he hurts you? How did the relationship degenerate so much to where he cares so little about your feelings?
Is he a selfish jerk by nature? Or have you done something terrible in the past that really hurt him (thereby killing any feelings of loyalty to you)?
yet you say that until this happened you thought all was great. There's huge communication problems here, because he obviously thinks very little of you, yet you think the marriage was going great. that just doesn't add up.
But then later on you say that if you say something that he doesn't like to hear, he leaves for days on end. (and what does he do or who is he with during that time?)
so what I'm getting at, piecing these self-contradictory things together is this:
the relationship has been deteriorating for quite some time. but you don't openly talk about how you feel or discuss problems in the marriage, you shove problems aside or pretend they don't exist. You go along with keeping quiet because he can't handle conflict - he will just up and leave for days on end if he hears something he doesn't want to. This intimidates you into not voicing what's on your mind. And similarly he doesn't say what's on his. Since he hasn't voiced any discontent, and since you haven't said anything recently that made him leave for days on end, you think that things have been "great". but actually they haven't been, because he no longer cares about your feelings to the point that he's blatantly soliciting sex from someone else and refusing to stop even when you confronted him.
I think you and him need to finally open the lines of communication and talk about your marriage in general and where it is heading, not just this facebook issue.
But another problem is his conflict avoidance. When someone just totally disengages and refuses to even respond then there's not much hope for any of the relationship problems to get resolved anytime soon. you can't have any productive discussions if he will just shut down or refuse to participate in any communication. You might as well be talking to a brick wall.
So you might have to shake things up to show him that you are not going to accept the status quo and his refusal to communicate anymore.
But this means you have to be willing to change yourself (i.e. by doing things differently) and follow through on "not accepting" his behavior. If you continue to accept his behavior by going along and not saying things he doesn't want to hear, then there's no reason anything will change.
So, insist that you talk about your marriage and why does he have so little regard for your feelings? Tell him that you are serious about wanting to work on the issues in your marriage because you are hurting so much you can't live like this, and that if he just runs off again, this time you will not tolerate it anymore. You could suggest going to counseling together or individually.
If after being told this he STILL just ups and leaves to avoid communicating with you or to silence you, then change the locks on him. Or treat this as essentially a separation (initiated by him) and have the rest of his belongings boxed up when he returns. Show him that his avoidant behavior while simultaneously hurting you and disrespecting you is not something you will tolerate anymore. Don't allow him to keep silencing you and avoiding confronting the huge problems in your marriage (and the problems are huge, if he cares so little about your feelings that he's soliciting sex from someone else and not even remorseful about it or intending to stop).
of course by no longer accepting the status quo, there's a possibility that he may leave you since he already doesn't care about you. He could use your new lack of acquiescence as an "out". personally I think that if this happens it would be better than continuing the status quo (which is where he continues to disrespect you and hurt you and you either living with being disrespected or else living in the dark not knowing what's really going on with him).
A
female
reader, Ms. Intuition  +, writes (23 February 2011):
i am sorry for the pain your are going thru. But i totally know where u r coming from. 2 years ago i had a boyfriend with questionable fidelity. The time he was going on a 2 month attachment program he blocked me on facebook! When i asked him, he said because he doesnt want me to see something i wont like on his page! Seriously!
You're husband is being unfair to u. And what he did borders on cheating. Its also not fair for him to disappear wen he doesnt like what he hears.
What i can suggest is that maybe you should try marriage counselling.
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A
female
reader, bernergirl +, writes (23 February 2011):
 It is now being reported that out of all the divorces 20% are because of Facebook....it comes down to you are going to investigate a bit on your self. There is a key stroke that you place on your own computer, it records everything being typed. Passwords and everything. I should tell you, you can hack, but can not change anything (then its against the law) there are also GPS devices you slide under the car. I am not trying to make you paranoid, but I would rather know and have proof, just in case other things occur. These days its being smart. Good luck and keep me posted.
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