A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband has admitted to being addicted to porn years ago but it was never a real issue because he hid it. I recently borrowed his laptop and he had over 89 bookmarks of 'teen' porn and he used the name like 'morgage payments' to hid the sites. On several days in a week, over the past year he has spent over 6 hours looking at teenagers ! When I confront him he gets defensive etc.. the other day he looked at me and said "I hate you-get that thru your thick head" I need help or opinions of others about what to do? I should add that he doesn't have sex with me anymore.
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (30 December 2011):
 Addicts often react very aggressively when confronted about their addiction. His reaction sounds quite typical. It is much easier for him to lash out at you than to look at himself and admit the problem he has.
You use the word 'confront'. Somehow you need to find a way to discuss this with him that is not a 'confrontation'. Given how hurt you understandably feel thats going to be very hard. I suggest doing some research online about how to talk to an addict about their addiction.
I believe that the place you want to get to is where he can share his difficult intimate struggles about this with you without feeling judged: and feeling supported instead.
On the 'hate' thing: I don't think he hates you. He more likely hates himself for this, but can't face it.
A
male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (30 December 2011):
 I am always a little wary answering the 'porn' issues, as it seems to polarise the responses of the aunts and uncles here.
'Porn addiction' seems to be a recently created banner which covers all sorts of ailments. Porn addiction? Really? I am (just) old enough to remember pre-internet days, when many men bought Hustler, Playboy, or Penthouse magazines on a weekly basis, and frequently rented the under the counter type videos. No-one, NO-ONE championed the cause of the suffering partner of a 'porn addict' back then, and I am sure that many people watched far more than six hours per week, of ALL types of porn.
I am not saying that watching porn over hot sex with a REAL woman is fine, but we have to remember that everyone is different, and all relationships have their own unique dynamics.
If your husband had not said such a vile comment, like he hates you, would we all be responding to this question? Would you have posted something, or would you still be living in painful silence?
That is the real issue, and I have no doubt that there are millions of people who live with this problem, whose partners have not yet said or done anything to warrant an outburst.
Should they continue to put up with their partners preference? Or divorce them because of it? Remember that one mans addiction is another mans drought. It is always a case of personal limits. Are you prepared to continue in a relationship with a man who clearly prefers to be aroused by an 'actress' than by you? A man who prefers to use his imagination of the said actress to masturbate? A man who will continue to do this, despite your presence in the house and your own sexual needs?
Because of the uniqueness of your marriage and relationship, only you can honestly answer.
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female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (30 December 2011):
 I would be leaving asap. I wouldn't want to stay with someone who told me to "get it through my thick head that I hate you" let alone the porn factor. If the teen porn involves looking at underage girls then I would report him to the medical board too.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (30 December 2011):
 He's an addict. Porn is his drug. "Teen" porn is like "barely legal", meaning 18 is still teen in the industry.
However, the real issue is that his constant watching of porn and its interference in your marriage and your sex life is the big issue here.
Bottom line, if he can't stop to the point that he's telling *you* that he hates you for confronting him on it, you have your answer. I know you'd be there for him if he wanted to break free of his addiction, but if he doesn't want to, and he allows his addiction to cause him to treat you this way, then there's nothing that can be done.
You can't break the computer, as he'll find it another way. You can't threaten, whine, entreat, or try to "outsex" the porn movies, because an addict cannot be reasoned with.
No matter if it's heroin, alcohol, cocaine, or even porn, someone who's addicted to the level that he is undergoes a personality change.
The guy you knew and fell in love with and married no longer exists. His personality and tastes have altered and changed, and this guy you're with now is not the guy you married.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (30 December 2011):
 Thanks Cerberus. :)
I am not sure this is so much a porn issue as an emotionally abusive jerk issue, though porn addiction can sometimes bring out EXTREME defensiveness (as in saying "I hate you"). I think the only way to salvage this is to go to counseling. If he won't, it's probably time to walk.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2011): Just to make something clear "teen" porn is just a niche and it's by far the most popular niche of porn. It's my favourite for example. All it means is women 18-25, young basically. There is nothing wrong with being into that niche on its own, so I wouldn't worry about that specific thing.
However being addicted to porn and then saying that horrible crap to you is huge problem and one you should not let go or tolerate.
Now saying that, those may be the words of an addict who has been caught. There is an Aunt here Person12345 that is by far the most knowledgeable when it comes to porn addiction that may be able to give you more specific advice. But I personally think that overreacting and kicking him out is not the best solution for now.
Addictions are horrible things and they can make an otherwise lovely person do and say stupid crap. That does not give them a free pass on it and never does but it does mean if he decides to go and get help to get rid of this addiction then it may well be worth working through this.
That is the only thing that is worth trying, if he is willing to go help with this addiction then you may be able to resolve this. In the meantime do not let him think he can speak to you like that and do have leaving him as an option.
The first thing I would do is sit down and have a long and frank discussion about whether he wants to get rid of his addiction and whether he wants to continue on in this marriage. If he does then he has to go get professional help to deal with this addiction. If he downright refuses this, then you may have to set the wheels in motion behind his back to leave him. It would be in your best interest to this stealthily so you can avoid arguments over it and you will be in the best possible position to get the most out of any divorce proceedings. To my knowledge porn addiction is a perfectly reasonable grounds for divorce and it's very common too although in my opinion a lot of those may be just using porn use as leverage for an otherwise untouchable guy.
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female
reader, SillyB +, writes (30 December 2011):
 Well how young are these girls? 18 is a teen, but an adult. Also take note-6 hours per year is only 30 minutes per month....about one 10 minute video per 1.5 weeks. Seek counseling though for his anger towards you and your lack of sex.
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male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (30 December 2011):
 He's defensive because he's addicted and is embarrassed about it. He sounds like he needs some serious counseling to get his intimacy back on track with you. If he admitted to the issue previously, him being open to counseling is a possibility. If he agrees to it, Id stick with him and be supportive. If he remains like he is, divorce would probably be imminent as his addiction is risky and could lead to other things potentially harmful to himself and your marriage.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2011): He sounds like an emotionally abusive asshole. You don't deserve to be treated this way and I urge you not to tolerate it. Seek counseling or a divorce if you have to. His comment that you quoted is totally disrespectful.
In regards to the teen porn thing I partly agree that he has got issues. Yeah 6 hours is definitely overboard and the sheer amount of porn looking he is doing makes it sound like he has a problem.
But IMHO the basic attraction to "teen" girls may not be any signal of a problem. Grown men attracted to 18yo girls that are fully finished with puberty is one thing. Grown men attracted to 13yo girls is something else entirely. Those latter guys are the pedophilia risks.
Modern political correctness demands that men always be most attracted to women their own age. But the forces of evolution don't give a rat's ass about being P.C. Women are most fertile in their late teens and early 20s. So that is the age where men's (purely physical) desires will always lean the strongest.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 December 2011):
 He hates you so he says. You don’t have sex. He’s looking at “teen porn” (I’m going to bet they are just very young looking 20 something girls)… he is a doctor… I’d get a GOOD lawyer and file for divorce and at your age get a new life…. Alienation of affection is still a permissible action for divorce in most states…
I mean do you WANT to stay married to this abusive man?
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female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (30 December 2011):
 Hi,
Sorry that you are going through a difficult time in your marriage. Don't have much details to give you a deeper opinion, however he has a serious addiction and he needs help. As we all know, it's normal and may even be consider healthy for men to enjoy adult movies and pornography now and then, but six hours is a bit too much. It's also a little strange that he enjoys teenagers pornography. On top of that he's very rude to you and being intimate with each other is not everything in a marriage, but it's a big part. When you truly love someone you would want to make love.
When you are married to someone for so many years it's not easy to make a decision. So many things to consider. But, you have to accept the fact that you are not happy and somehow you need to have a serious honest talk with your husband. It's not fair to live this way and be in a unhappy marriage. You need to know how you can salvage the marriage, changes need to be made, and you need to do this together. If you cannot solve this matter amongs yourself, you need to seek professional help. The truth is that you and your husband cannot continue living this way. I truly hope your husband can be a reasonable man, and help you to make this marriage work. I am sure if he decides to compromise with you, you can be happy again. Just wait a few days, let him calm down a little, and when you feel the time is right talk to him. Make sure he's in a good mood, and try not to judge him, pressure him, be aggressive or angry. I know you've been nothing but a good wife, y
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