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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I met a guy who had a vasectomy and I didn't want kids either so we were dating for 2 years but I've asked him recently what if I change my mind and he says go find someone else. Should I go now or wait and see if my feelings change? I felt kind of angry that he was happy to enter into an intimate relationship knowing that it would break up if my feelings changed instead of saying we are in this together and we'll face it together.I actually feel like I want to leave him because of my anger at his attitude not even about the baby thing! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (30 December 2011):
 You're in the wrong. He's backed up his permanent feelings towards having children with getting a vasectomy. You're pulling a "bait and switch" on him by entering into a relationship with one mindset, then changing it, and then getting pissed at HIM for not changing his mind.
If you actually WANT children, then you must leave him. But don't you dare get mad at him and turn it around on him. He's who he's always been. Be mad at yourself for not being sure about no kids when you started dating a guy with such strong convictions about kids that he got a vasectomy. When a guy gets one of those, it's a really serious resolve that there are not and will never be children in his future.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2011): I don't think either of you are being selfish or wrong. Ever hear the saying "women go into a marriage expecting him to change, but he doesn't. Men go into a marriage expecting her not to change, but he does"? Sadly, this is your case, but it isn't with marriage. You might have not wanted children intially, but as the case with most women, that changes. So, its clear that the relationship has reached its end. If it was meant to be, this wouldn't be happening. So do the respectful thing, say your goodbyes, and part without malice. But be decent and don't blame the relationship's end on him. You were the one that changed, and although it wasn't malicious, it was you who sealed the fate of the relationship. Just say "we wanted different things", and find someone else.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2011): Sorry OP but a vasectomy is a very clear indication of permanent unwillingness to have children isn't it?
You knew from the start you can't put this on him the way you did. You asked a question you pretty much knew the answer to and when you got that answer it upset you. Why did you do that?
"I felt kind of angry that he was happy to enter into an intimate relationship knowing that it would break up if my feelings changed instead of saying we are in this together and we'll face it together."
Well imagine how he feels then getting into a relationship with a woman who stated she didn't want kids and was fine with the fact he has made sure he can never have kids.
So his answer was a logical one wasn't it? If you want kids and he can't have them then you do have to find someone else that's not a bitter statement, he didn't mislead you. You're the one now who is being flaky about this all of a sudden and you're the one who entered into this knowing kids was not a possibility and suddenly now you're getting bitter because when you asked the obvious and got the obvious answer?
I say do him a favour then OP and go. He doesn't need to be with a woman who has spent years saying she was on the same page to then throw the kids thing back into his face. That's a fairly huge kick in the teeth if you ask me.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 December 2011):
 I’m so sorry that you think that just because YOU changed YOUR mind he has to change his. He knew enough to know he never wanted kids and he NEVER lied to you about that. He did NOT mis-represent himself in any way.
YOU changed your mind as is your right. If that’s the case then he is being totally honest with you… you will need to find someone else to parent with you.
YOU are angry with a man who is being HONEST and TRUE.. I think it’s actually a RUSE and you are ANGRY WITH YOURSELF for falling for a man who does not want children and who will NOT be bullied or blackmailed or TRICKED into parenting.
I think you should leave him….
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2011): No, you are in the wrong and are being selfish. He was completely clear and honest where he stands on this issue right from the start, and you accepted it and went along with it for 2 years.
Then you suddenly do a 180 and are getting mad at him for staying the same stable person he always was. You expect him to reverse his vasectomy just because you changed your mind?
as for this whole "he should be saying we're in this together." Well, you're not demonstrating the altruism that you fault him for not having. You are not behaving as if you're in this together because you want him to change to suit you.
It's not wrong of you to change your mind and want kids after all. that's perfectly fine. But it is wrong of you to get angry at him for not going along with your change of mind. he's doing the right thing of saying the only way forward is to end this relationship. Your feelings aren't more important than his so he shouldn't have to go along with what you want. Similarly he is acknowledging that his feelings dont' count more than yours so he's willing to let you go and not force you to stay childless with him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2011): Why is it that you feel angered when you entered the relationship knowing he had a vasectomy and didn't want children? You made the choice to enter the relationship, and now you have changed your mind, your angry with him for not having changed his. This annoys me, my brother's girlfriend did this to my brother, he told her on numerous occasions before they got together he didn;t ever want to get married and she said fine, but then changed her mind and started trying to pressure him into marrying her, even falling pregnant, by telling him she couldn't have kids (she lied because told everyone at the place we both worked that she could! He wouldn;t believe anyone but her though), and now has broken up with him because he didn't want to get married and she couldn;t force him to change his mind. You shouldn't be angry with him, he was honest with you and you shuld be thankful for that. If you want to have kids, then do as he said find someone else, and respect that he doesn't want them.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 December 2011):
 You met him as a man who had had a vasectomy, so someone who had made a very clear , precise choice of staying childless. In fact, a sort of living testimonial of his choice of not wanting children- it does not get any clearer than that.
YOU are the one that should have thought longer and harder " And what if I change my mind ?... " BEFORE entering in an intimate relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2011): He's been honest from the outset, alot of men who are in their 30s/40s don't want children, or more children.
Your the one who has changed your mind, you asked a question after 2 years together and he gave you an honest answer,the same answer,he hasn't done anything wrong here.
Your biological clocks ticking so if you DO want babies then you will have to move on to a man who is open to it.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (30 December 2011):
 He entered into an intimate relationship thnking you didn't want children. You are the one who has changed their mind, not him. Unless you both discussed what would happen if one of you changed your mind BEFORE you both entered into that relationship your anger is misdirected.
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