A
male
age
36-40,
*hrisC
writes:So I had been seeing this woman for about 6 months. She is older than me. I am 29 and she is 42 but I the age difference has never been an issue as she has always dated younger guys. We really hit it off and have a lot in common and have gotten along great. I really enjoy her company and I've never had feelings like this for someone in a long time. She gave up alcohol for health reasons a few years ago and also sticks to a very strict, gluten free diet. She is into all different kinds of alternative medicines as well. She never had a problem with me having a drink or two when I would take her out to dinner. I don't really drink that much but every now and then I enjoy a few drinks and a nice buzz, but I certainly don't have a problem. I have always respected her decision not to drink at all and alcohol was never an issue between us. I don't think there was one time in the six months I've been seeing her that I had more than 2 drinks in her presence. I've never been intoxicated in her presence. We had a great time on Saturday night and she was telling me about how her coworkers think I'm such a great and nice guy and that she thinks I'm great as well. I felt very happy to have her in my life and every time I saw her I would like her even more. Sunday I attended a party for the first communion of a family member of mine. There was beer there so I had a few there and when I returned home my neighbor was having a Cinco De Mayo party and invited me over so I had a few drinks there. I was buzzed but certainly not drunk. She wanted to talk with me so she called me and I answered it and we had what seemed like a perfectly normal conversation. I was telling her how much my friends like her and how I was excited to see her again. She texts me several minutes after our conversation ends and asks me to call her. I call her back and she tells me that I seemed totally different on the phone and that it made her feel uncomfortable. She was aware that I had a few drinks and I told her that sometimes I like to let loose and have a few and today happened to be one of those days...This is something she knew before. I told her. I was at a nice family function having a great time and then I was at a neighbors party enjoying friends and great weather. I had a few more beers than maybe I should have but nothing to make me obnoxious or "different" as she claims. She brought up the point that what if she wanted me to come over out of the blue some night and I had been drinking? She basically seemed upset because I was buzzed off of beer and she couldn't handle that I didn't seem like myself. .I tried to reason with her and tell her that alcohol is such an insignificant part of my life and that it has NEVER been an issue between us, because quite frankly, I could never have a drink ever again and been fine with it. It doesn't mean anything to me.She said she didn't want to see me anymore and it just caught me by surprise because one second she is telling me how great I am and then the next she doesn't want to see me anymore because I was a little buzzed when we talked on the phone? I said that maybe she needs to find a guy that doesn't ever have a drink and she disagreed with that and said there is a whole continuum of alcohol use and she is very aware of what jives with her and I guess me having a few beers on a nice day doesn't jive with her.I'm very hurt because I really cared about this person. I'm confused because I don't understand why she is breaking things off. I've been miserable yesterday and today and I am coming here to find some good advice and support. Am I crazy to think she is overreacting a bit? Am I crazy to think what I did yesterday wasn't that bad? Am I crazy to think that I can somehow salvage this? I'm just unsure of what to do. How can I convince her that alcohol never has to be an issue again? She has known me long enough and been around me enough to know I don't have any kind of problems with drinking and never had. I really want to reach out to her to let her know how much I miss her and that I hope she can find it in her heart to want to see me again. I have been nothing but a nice and sweet guy to her and now I just feel like crap. Should I contact her or just let it go? I didn't think it would be this hard...
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 May 2013):
 I guess that, to have a second chance ,you would have to promise solemnly you'll never exceed again the two drinks per night which apparently seem to be the very most she is going to tolerate - and then stick to your promise.
But, think about it before . You may now be willing to make sacrifices in order to keep this lady around, but I think you would end up resenting her and feeling henpecked.
You don't think you are doing anything wrong, you are not worried about your drinking habits , you enjoy getting tipsy every now and then , and you don't even understand how she can have a problem with just " tipsy ".
Although I think, from what you say, that for you sticking to an iron-clad max. 2 drinks rule would not be an ordeal - still it would not be your idea. When you give up some habit or preference, it only works if it was your own decision, if you had to do it willy-nilly just for pleasing somebody else- it breeds resentment , eventually.
As for SVC's theory, it's possible, of course, but I don't think it is probable. Not all women feel the same on this subject, - as for me, when I was in age gap relationship like yours, it did not bother me at all , and I sort of liked the "you go girl " . You 29, she 42 - two adults, it's not like she is robbing the cradle.
I just think that she had a life makeover , for whatever reason, concerning alcohol, so she had to draw the line somewhere in ref. to how much alcohol she is willing to put up with. She draws her line at two drinks max., which is surely arbitrary- then again all limits are somewhat arbitrary , since their function is not to be fair or popular, but to work fine for the limit-setter.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 May 2013):
 Are you willing to be alcohol free forever to be with her?
that may be your only option. the problem is she may not even want that because the alcohol over consumption is a smoke screen.
I personally think she's over-reacting a bit and it may be her way of ending the relationship via an excuse that seems valid. there also may be issues she has that she does not discuss such as a prior partner that was an alcoholic.
If you would be willing to be 100% alcohol free at all times to be with her, then I would tell her that. IF she still declines to contemplate the resumption of the relationship, then know she was using your indulgence as an excuse to end it.
As a 53 year old woman married to a 39 yr old man, I can understand her possible discomfort with what is considered a very non-mainstream relationship, while men can be 13 years older than their female partners and not cause a stir, older women get called that horrid word "cougar" and I hear "you go girl" all the time when folks find out our age difference. I hate it.
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A
male
reader, ChrisC +, writes (8 May 2013):
ChrisC is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for your lengthy answers. I have to accept it if she has a near zero tolerance for alcohol use. Do I have to fully understand it? No, I just don't understand how she was fine with me having a drink or two when we'd go out, but the one time in 6 months that I have more than 2 drinks, she can't handle it. She has a right to want what she wants, but I wish there was something I could do for her to give me a second chance and prove to her that this won't be an issue again.
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A
male
reader, peanut_gallery +, writes (8 May 2013):
I'm about her age and used to drink but have since stopped. I find alcohol to be ridiculous as a concept that has an even more ridiculous affect on people. I can't believe I even came close to the stuff for so many years let alone drink the way I did. She has changed her life and her tolerance for your alcohol consumption is near zero. She has every right to want that. Remember, barring any exceptional circumstances, it kinda sounds like she and I have done the same thing. I'm into the whole alternative medicine "thing" as well and I would immediately send my slurring date/girlfriend packing. No "ifs, ands or buts". Even the absolute slightest indication that some is or is becoming intoxicated is simply offensive to me. She has passed to another stage in life. You have another 10-15 years to let loose, drink beers, get buzzed, eat sodium and additive-laden hot dogs (I'm not encouraging this type or diet or the drinking, I am just saying that you are young enough to where you can still "get away" with it)You may want to start a family a few years from now and she won't be in a position to do so.......You're just creating difficulties where they need not exist. Find someone closer to your age, have fun (and a few beers too) and look to the future!I may be holding up a bottle of water but "CHEERS!"
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (7 May 2013):
I think you are going to get answers calling this woman a controlling bitch , bossy, uptight, paranoid, etc... and yes, if you get drunk- pardon me, " buzzed " - once every 6 months, eh well, live and let live, I'd say. You surely don't seem to qualify for delirium tremens treatment.
But, this is a case in which " overreacting " is in the eyes of the beholder, and it totally depends from personal criteria and parameters. As this lady says, there is a whole continuum of alcohol use and she knows what jives with her . She is aware of what she can handle or not, and you getting buzzed on Cinco de Mayo , as innocent as it may be in your eyes, apparently is already beyond what she is comfortable with.
I sort of understand where she is coming from, although I am less unflexible. But I can see how a person may rationally see a certain behaviour as not such a terrible deal- and yet, find it annoying or disturbing.
I had a rather rambunctious youth with the usual parties and stuff, and lots of party-enhancing substances and social lubricants, and at the time it was not a problem for me neither to partake ( although always without going crazy , I'd say ) or watching other people partake even to excess.
It slowed down in time, what with going to work and raising a child and general " adulthood ". And in time my taste, need and appreciation for alcohol became, naturally,- no accidents or health scares- , less and less until it dwindled to my current social drinking , which is one glass of wine , rarely two , when I go out for dinner.
Yet, until very recent times, it did not bother me being around friends or partners who had another concept of having fun , or actually can't have fun if there's no alcohol involved. I mean, unless they were aggressive, dangerous drunks ( which luckily my friends aren't ), who cares if someone slurs his speech or is a bit unstable on their legs or acts silly in public right ?
Wrong. I don't know how, I don't know why, I find myself less and less enthusiastic about spending my time with people who will talk too loud or spew out inanities all night or will attract attention or will need to be accompanied to the ladies ' 20 times . It's NOT a moral judgement. I don't think it's evil or wrong or sick if people want to let their hair down and let loose once in a while ( I am not talking of addiction, of course ). I do NOT think they are losers or misfits for wanting to relax and have fun their way. Only, it's not my way anymore, I don't have fun with this kind of people .Same as I don't have fun, say, watching soccer games, although there's nothing wrong in my eyes in being an avid soccer fan.
So, basically, this lady did not like that you got buzzed . She does not like how you sound and what you say when you are buzzed. Does she think you are a terrible person who did a terrible thing ? Hopefully not, unless she is one of those Spanish Inquisition types that 's always looking for sinners to burn alive. She just knows what she likes and dislikes, and she thinks that , might as well try to surround herself with the first and do without the second. Sure, she could be more "accomodating " ,"understanding "- then again, it's also true that dating is not mandatory, you do it if it suits your tastes and preferences, if it does not you can do without.
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