A
female
age
26-29,
*onfuzzledamethyst
writes:HELPme and my bf are 15 and been together for nearly 11 months, its now the half term and me and my bf had a huge row Friday night because I saw him hug one of his female mates, I texted him asking why this happened he told me she hugged him because he was sad about not getting the part he wanted in a play!We got into a huge argument about our relationship because I thought he didn't want to be with me anymore however this was not the case and I over reacted, neither of us said anything horrible we were just trying to solve the problem because recently I have been having a go at him because he has been acting as so he was avoiding me however he explained everything he doesn't want us to split up and we both made this clear but I started to back down and say I was sorry and I said I was being a bitch but the last text he sent was 'stop talking about yourself like that'. It was quite late and I assumed he fell asleep cos he didn't reply again. The next day (Saturday) at 5ish I thought he was ignoring me so I said 'So what your now ignoring me now' He texted back saying 'I'm Out sorry' (he is out with his family a lot)I said 'oh great:( because I wanted to see you this week' he then replied saying 'Well after an argument like that we need to calm down, sort things out, then meet up not just leaving it, not solving anything and just meet up.' I told him I was sorry. He said 'That doesn't make everything is ok, these arguments will happen again'. I said 'well obv its normal to argue and It's a start we need to sort this out.' He again didn't reply so the next day (sunday) I sent another message saying 'look I'm not supprised if these arguments do happen a lot if you don't reply to sort it out!' he replied 'I am out, Is that such a crime and I left my phone here'. I said 'okay but will you text me later please?.' He said 'I will try, but I have to go now' I left It all night he didn't text, the only thing is during arguments he always wants to sort them out so what the hell is he trying to do too me?!?! what do I do please help this time last week we were fine, Happy and wanting to meet up to do stuff (btw seeing him is a huge deal because he has very little spare time because of his sprts he does and only gets time with his family and doesn't get to see his friends ever or meI love him, so what do I do to solve this without pestering him anymore!? xx
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female
reader, confuzzledamethyst +, writes (30 May 2013):
confuzzledamethyst is verified as being by the original poster of the question Right, I'm not approaching you immaturely I am trying to get you to understand that couples argue and it is normal! And I told both you and my boyfriend I over reacted, however thats not the point I need to know how to approach him without pestering him I can't just go to his house or anything like that I just need to talk to him and I need to know what I can say because when we do talk again because he does not usually not talk after arguments, he is busy and goes out alot in the holidays, he always wants to sort them out but I'm this argument it developed into a big argument from the friend hugging thing it wasn't just over that situ and it got kinda deep! My question is not where I went wrong it is where I can sort it out!
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 May 2013):
 Define " now and again ". Quantify it.In fact, no, probably no need to define it, now and again already sounds too much for the "honeymoon stage", in which you still are.
It's a myth that people in a relationship NEED to argue and that arguing is beneficial in a relationship. There are several scientific studies ( Rutgers University just to name one ) showing that, to LAST, a couple needs a low level of conflictuality. The will argue, because, in this you are correct,nobody can go though a LIFETIME without arguing, but very seldom. And most of all, not over stuff like one of the partner hugging a friend in public. A lot also depends from how the couple handles the conflict, and how efficiently and rapidly it can be solved.
Arguing is not the same as having a difference of opinions. A difference of opinions does not necessarily have to lead to an argument , with a trail of stress, frustration , mistrust and hurt ego, and if it cannot be mediated people can always agree to disagree.
I do not even imply that this is your case , OP, maybe you are doing just fine ( although, if you were doing VERY fine in conflict handling and resolution, you would not be writing this post ) and may this was your first real big ( and unnecessary ) blow up . So, again, if it does not apply to you, we are happy for you.
This is just ... for the record. People who write to DC are often fond of repeating this unsubstantiated platitude , or variations of the same : " We have been having our ups and downs like all couple do " or " we have been fighting but who does not " .
It's simply not true .No, not all couples have ups and downs - happy successful compatible couples do not . And no, it's quite possible ( common, in fact ) for friends, families and couples to have different opinions and different ways to see / do things, without that this has to reach the stage of a fight, with an overflow of negative emotions, - if not in really exceptional circumstances.
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A
female
reader, confuzzledamethyst +, writes (29 May 2013):
confuzzledamethyst is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo couples never argue in your opinion? so every couple are meant to slobber all over eachother, all the time? NO! BECAUSE THATS AN UNHEATHLY RELATIONSHIP! Everyone argues, Friends, family's and COUPLES!! and its not like we always argue just now and again so we know how eachother feel about things and we have difference in opinions we don't agree on anything to everything
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A
female
reader, confuzzledamethyst +, writes (29 May 2013):
confuzzledamethyst is verified as being by the original poster of the questionokay thanks guys erm mr anonumous dude YOUR WRONG where did I ever say we have lots of arguments? we don't so yeah erm you kinda don't know what your talking about and as I clearly stated WE ARE NOT GONNA BREAK UP! erm sugar plum and playitagain thanks I know, I am not going to send or say anything until he comes back around but thanks(: xx
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (29 May 2013):
 Hi, dont chase him or hound him with calls and messages. You need to create some space for him to forget and miss you. The more you push, you are likely to lose him. If he loves you, he will come around and contact you. You have done what you can now sit tight. Yes just sit tight. I know its hard but try! We woman just want the matter sorted and to move on. Men dont tick in that way! So no contact until he call/message you.
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A
male
reader, playitagain-sam  +, writes (29 May 2013):
A lot of guys like to have a little space during/after an argument. It's pretty normal for us, so don't force the communication. Not to be harsh, but it can make you seem either needy (a turn-off) or annoying.
Seems like your turning nothing into something. Give him a little space, I'm sure he'll come around. Let him reach out to you sometimes. It takes years of dating to find a good communication balance; to be an individual and part of a couple.
Also, work on your jealousy. Very natural to have, especially in early dating years, but its always bad for the relationship. Focus on building your trust with him instead of worrying about other girls.
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