A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am a 23 year old woman, and am about to get married to my fiance, but I have an issue. He has some feelings for a girl he used to go to school with, and I let my insecurity get the better of me and caused this girl a situation where I humiliated her in front of all of her old school friends, and manipulated my fiance into having The talk with her. After they had the talk, she confronted me and I came to realise that she was no threat to my relationship at all, she has no contact with my fiance at all since they left school unless it is a special occassion at a mutual friend's her's and my fiance's. She had only ever seen him once in 4 years before the night of the party, she had only been there for literally no more than 5 minutes when I did this to her, and she was asked to leave the party because the birthday girl actually had a thing for my fiance. Now I have a white elephant in my relationship that I created and I can't get rid of it, because if I admit what I did and that I was the one who manipulated the situation and manipulated my fiance into this, he will leave me, his ex used to do similar things to him just to get her way. The girl that I spoke to and put in the position of having the talk with my fiance was upset with being put in the position I put her in, but was nice as she was genuinely happy for my fiance and I when he introduced me as his fiance, I took it to mean she was a threat, when in fact she was just genuinely happy that he had found me, because she loved him as a friend. Now she is cemented in his heart and I am entering this marriage knowing that he loves her because she has always been the girl who put his happiness first. I now know that she is absolutely no threat to me, the only threat is any feelings my fiance might have had for her, if she had decided to take him from me, she could have but she would not do that, she told him he had a fiance he was taken and that whatever their friendship meant back then was in the past.I thought I was protecting my relationship, instead I showed my true colours, that I don't trust my fiance, I manipulated him and this girl who did nothing but respect my relationship and now half of her old school friends do not speak to her, because they want to keep my fiance in their group and she is being tarnished as a girl who is a relationship wrecker. I took advantage of her fragile state because my fiance had told me her family had abused her for her entire life, and now I have done this to her.Was I really that wrong in doing what I did? When I told her I had to protect my relationship, she said to me that she undeerstood that, but that instead of destroying her like I did, I should have dealt with my fiance and trusted him to sort out his own feelings, I think she may be right, but I am still not sure. I want to get married and I want to be a wife, now I feel that this girl has given him to me, rather than him giving himself to me, and it feels like a huge white elephant in my half of the relationship. I did this to her whilst my fiance was in the front yard, the girl and I were in the backyard. I do now realise that this girl was not a threat to me at all, she had absolutely no contact with my fiance at all, she was still very nice to me and wished me and my fiance with our lives together. I know if she had told him what I had done, I would have had to admit it, she didn't say anything at all, except to help him sort out his feelings for me. Should I have handled it differently? Should I let the wedding continue after this? Or should I just be happy that I got what I wanted after all and be thankful that she was respectful that he is in a relationship and think of her as just collatoral damage?
View related questions:
fiance, his ex, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2013): Hi this is the OP, thanks for your replies. He does talk about how he could never have her and how her father would not let them be a couple when they were at school, his family also describes how from the time they were toddlers before they even started school, they were always together holding hands and it's obvious that she was always the one my fiance wanted to be with, and his family wanted to see him with.
What I did to her, was to humiliate her in front of all her old school friends, I made everyone aware of the fact that my fiance had strong feelings for her his whole life, and then I accused her of being after him. I was aware that she was extremely naive and had been told by my fiance that when dealing with her to be gentle and careful when talking to her, I used that knowledge to push her and knowing she could not handle what i was doing that she could easily be manipulated, and everyone at the party believed me, I did this so she would have to go home. She was going to have to walk home in the dark, I was the only one who would give her a lift, as my fiance wanted to drive her, but she would not accept a lift from him, and he would not let her walk home alone. I then took the opportunity to push her even further about what feelings she had for my fiance, and she said she loved him because he had always helped her through life to cope with the abuse her father had put her through and he had been her best friend. I kept twisting everything she said until I saw she was at breaking point, only then did I stop.
When I returned to the party my fiance wanted to leave and no matter how much I tried to convince him we should stay, he would not stay where she had been treated like that and been made to leave. My fiance then insisted on going to her house to check on her himself. I then told him that she had confessed to me that she had always been in love with him, (which she had not said at any point) his reaction was obvious all he could say was why didn't she ever tell me, I manipulated him into having the talk with her when he went to check on her and when he came back and said that he was still with me, he told me that she had sorted him out as always.
I went and hugged her thanking her and saying I was sorry she was hurting, and she politely told me how she did not appreciate being manipulated into this situation, and told me how whatever the white elephant I had in the relationship was mine to sort out with my fiance and had nothing to do with her at all. This time because I had what I wanted I actually listened to her, and it was obvious that she was not a threat to my relationship at all, in fact when I thought about how his friends reacted to me, I realised that she was the only one who was genuinely happy for us, his other female friends from school were polite but obviously not happy, one in particular was always in contact with him, and she reacted the worst that he had a thing for the friend I did this to.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2013): Why did you even feel like she would be a threat to your relationship? Is he constantly comparing you to her?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2013): I'd be never worried about another woman potentially having feelings for my fiance. If he was a stand-up guy who loved me, no one would change his mind and heart.
However, this the much more serious problem here - he has feelings for that girl. This you cannot change, this is dangerous, this is the true threat.
You need to worry about this, not her or what you've done to manipulate the situation.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (29 May 2013):
I wouldn't get married, as neither of you are ready. Marriage will not fix a broken relationship, trust me, it'll make it worse.
If you want an opinion on your behavior, here it is. What you did was out of line. On the little info you had about this girl you did all this when your problem isn't her it's him.
...............................
A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (29 May 2013):
 Hi I dont understand what you did to this girl, but one thing does stand out which drove you to such extent is that your Fiance is in love with this girl. If that is the case and the only reason this girl walked away from this relationship is because of you, I think you have bigger problems and its not this girl or her feelings.
I understand your fiance is in love with this woman and he cannot have her so you are second choice. I dont mean to be nasty, but if someone settles, they will always pine for what they cant have. Let me put it this way, if you walked away from this relationship, would this girl and your fiance hook up - the answer is probably yes.
I am not sure this is a healthy relationship for you already you have trust issues and it will bother you even after you get married that you were not his first choice. You are the only one that can decide whether this is what you want. Regarding what happened to this girl was not right, aplogise to her and let it be.
...............................
A
female
reader, Mariab  +, writes (29 May 2013):
 You made a mistake. As you say you let your insecurities get the better of you and you overreacted. Fair enough.. BUT you have to make it right. Talk to your bf about this. Tell him that you are sorry and that you really were feeling insecure and maybe jealous of the other lady and his feelings for her. Try to make peace with this situation. Talk to mutual friends (the ones you humiliated her in front of) and let them know that you were out of line and that she didn't deserve what you dished out. This can show an honesty in your character that may redeem your actions.
Don't lose focus of the centre point here...your partner! Remember that you love him and he loves you... do what you can to make him understand that you know you made a mistake and that you acted only because you were trying to protect your relationship...and that the driving factor was your love for him. Its admirable that you take responsibility and admit your faults! I wish you luck... keep us posted xx
...............................
A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (29 May 2013):
 I'm not sure I quite understand what it was you did to this girl but I'm guessing you accused her in front of a lot of people of going after your fiancé. In any case, if they have friends in common then this WILL come out sooner or later. Even the fact that they have former classmates in common means that it's pretty much guaranteed to come out. Would you rather he hear about it from you or from the class gossip? Or from this girl? You might think she won't say anything, and it sounds like she's a nice person, but it doesn't mean that she won't say anything to him after what you did to her.
You know you've done wrong. You were an idiot and you took your insecurity out on the wrong person. Come clean and beg his forgiveness.
...............................
A
male
reader, playitagain-sam +, writes (29 May 2013):
The girl was right, you should have taken up your trust issues with the fiance and not her. Even if she was a threat (which it turned out she was not), it is your fiance that concerns you.Is the issues really about trusting him, or your own (unprovoked) insecurities? The way you describe the fiance makes it sound like he'd bounce back to this other girl if she was interested. Obviously that's a huge problem. But I suspect that's not the case, otherwise he wouldn't be planning to marry you.People have pasts, and past loves, and those things sometimes never go away. And there will be girls in the future that he will flirt with and make you uncomfortable. It will probably be perfectly innocent (that is just how men are wired). Trust is key. He has to earn it, but you have to give it. You should try to achieve this level in the relationship long before the proposal, let alone marriage.I doubt there is any benefit in coming clean about your actions with this old girl. Virtually no upside for you. But if you do tell your fiance about it you should convey that you were wrong and realize that now, and that you did it from a place of insecurity and you are trying to work on that now. He won't be happy, but your fiance should ultimately come around and be on your side.
...............................
|
