A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm kinda stuck here... I don't really know what to do or say but first point... I don't want to be here bitching about my boyfriend's problems... I will expose his issues and mine as well...We are going through a rough path... I'm 18 and he's 17. We've known each other for 5 years and we're dating for 1 year and 11 months. Las week I broke up because I reached the pipes, I had enought but after two days we started talking again and got back together. He said he would change (I don't really believe people change) and I decided to give us another shot.3 years ago I was really naive, my parents divorced, I was 15 and I was really angry at the world... I blamed everyone for my problems, had no self respect and no self esteem, it was really dark times... We start falling in love in that time... I was hanging with bad companies, cheated on my boyfriend (ex now) with him (I know I did wrong... very wrong!) and we got together... At first all went well but I was still very fragile, I cried everyday without reason so I started to see a psychologist and it really helped... So, as I was saying I was naive and I let him do everything... He talked poorly to me. Sometimes he called me whore in some argues because of one nightstand I had in my dark times (I wasn't with him when that happened and I didn't had a boyfriend when I did it..) and when he wanted me to do something I wouldn't want he used to say that he would break up if I didn't and I did all he wanted... Like I said, I was naive and without no self esteem... I quitted my after school activities, I stopped talking to some friends of mine and he was always getting so jealous about all guys... And so controlling I had to leave facebook... I have to say that yes I'm a jealous woman too but only when I have motive... I'm not going to act crazy because 75% of his class are girls! This year, in september I got into college. I still live at home because campus was expensive and I live near. And He was acting crazy always wanting to know where I was, with who, if I was with guys, with whom I talked... and it started to get on my nerves... I grew alot this summer, and since my parents slip. I'm not anymore angry at the world. Sometimes I'm sad yes and I have mood swings and sometimes I'm impatient and I have a short temper. I don't see anime anymore, I don't listen to the same time of music etc and he, for the past months, kept telling me that I wasn't the same, he didn't knew who I was, I wasn't the girl he fighted for and that can really damage a girl's heart so one day I snapped and got tires of all of that... And I break up.We didn't spoke for 2 days. After we started and we got back together because afterall I really love him. We spoke about what we didn't like... More about what I didn't like... For him he's perfect... I'm the one that changed with college, I'm the one that's more independent and so on... I told him I was tired of him being a control freak and so jealous of everything, and that he should be able to trust me and to respect me... He told me he would change. I took his word...I still feel that there's some issue here... He's still so controlling... He's always asking what I'm doing, he snapped at me for creating a tumblr account... (he had one but then he erased it when I found it and we had an huge argument... because it was full of naked women.)Today he told me again I was diferent... That me from today is more like all others, genéric and me from 3/2 years ago was more metal girl and manga and anime and I told him "so... you're looking for a 15 year old?" and he told me that me was more likely to combine with him and I was really sad... He doesn't understand that me 3 year ago was a naive angry girl and hated everyone and didn't give a s*** about people... I'm diferent now but he makes me feel like it's a bad thing...I don't know what to do... I wan't to solve this issue because I want it to work but I don't know what to do... What should I do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, annette1974  +, writes (17 December 2012):
MY keyboard is broken so please excuse my typos:) Wow! This is a hard one! You have outgrown him mentally and emotionally and you are just on a higher level than he is! This is a fantastic thing! The person you were three years ago was easier to control and when you are in the first stages of love; you see the world and your partner through rose colored glasses and they can do no wrong! While I can understand where he may not like a social network like facebook; etc because many people like their privacy and like for their partner to not be posting private things about their life; it is really your business if you want to do this or not! He sounds controlling and controlling people are very insecure! He sounds as if he is bordering on paranoid and that is not good! It sounds as if he does not support you growing in more positive directions and you need to be with someone who helps you grow and encourages you; not someone who will possibly hold you back! I know you love him; but does he really make you happy? Do you feel comfortable to really be yourself? If you are scared of making him mad over things that you cannot rationally say are logical; then you have got an abusive relationship! He doesn't have to hit you; calling you a whore because of something you did before you met him and while you were single is unacceptable! Anyone who takes a piece of information that you gave them in confidence and with trust and turns it around and uses it against you purposely to hurt you is not a nice person! This is the most hurtful thing you can do to a person and to call a woman a whore is never acceptable! This is not healthy and it cant be good for your self esteem! You deserve to be with someone who isnt trying to take all your freedom away and tell you that he will love you if you act how he wants you to act! That's ownership and as far as I last checked; slavery was illegal in each and every state in the US! I would go see a school counselor and ask a professional opinion! This makes me so sad to hear this! You will eventually break free of this guy but it is up to you: you can take the really hard and long route which may end up with your self-esteem completely shattered or you can take the fast road and this will really hurt but if you leave him; it will be like quickly pulling off a bandage! My heart really goes out to you! You will love again and I think you deserve to be with someone normal; who doesnt instill so much fear in you! That is not a nice feeling! Big hug to you!!! Take all the time you need though! You know better than anyone else what is best for you and how you process things!
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (17 December 2012):
My advice would be to break up with him and find your new place in life.
Your boyfriend is still immature...this is somewhat expect since he is younger than you, not to mention girls do mature faster than boys. There are many many other reasons I can see why you should break up but all of them revolve around the things you have said.
I feel like this relationship WILL work but you will have to deal with his attitude for a long time with a lot of arguments before he even comes close to your level. People do change so do not blame yourself or feel guilt for the things he is saying. Like you said, he does not understand but this is a situation where only he can make himself understand, not you.
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A
female
reader, blow +, writes (17 December 2012):
 Ultimately, you have to do what makes you happy.Tell him, and be honest- that you are happy with who you have become and that you aren't a fifteen year-old girl anymore. You've matured and grown and learned from those experiences and it would be best to leave those things in the past.Human beings are constantly evolving creatures. We grow and we change as our lives cross into different paths, and he has to understand that. You're going to change a whole lot more as you age, too! This isn't the end of who you are, you are not a flat piece of paper. You're changing. Every single day.If there is something specific that is upsetting him, the both of you should be able to discuss it like reasonable adults and perhaps work out a solution, but you shouldn't have to change who you are in order to satisfy him.As for the controlling aspect- he needs to lay off of you and he needs to trust you. If you do love him and you are faithful, there is no reason for him to question your loyalty. Remind him that he is the only one for you, and that should be enough. You don't have to get on your knees and beg for him to trust you. Trust is a mutual thing- so if you aren't trying to control him, then he shouldn't try to do the same.Just remember that changing is not a bad thing. People change more for the better than they do for the worse. Don't feel bad if you feel as if you've improved since the age of fifteen. Be happy with who you are. If he is not and he cannot look past the girl you were- perhaps he isn't the guy for you.
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