A
female
age
51-59,
*onika
writes:Hi,I am in some confussion..... i had a fight with my husband ..NO ...lets say it... he again talked with me very rudely and when i stopped talking and ignored it... he got angry that i am upset...yes i was upset ... i cant smile if someone talk to me badly....when i am tring hard to make things working....Then he told me to go to my parents place and he checked the available tickets for me and my daughter.i did not say a single word...except "do wht you feel is good for you".I could not sleep that whole night and around 4am i told him.. that i will go alone not with my daughter ...as i dont want to go to my parents place after this and i am not working ..how will i take care of her.... but soon i will come and take her with me... then he changed totally ...and told me cant we live together...i knew he can not take care of her alone but ... he just wanted to get rid of us so that he can work all day and night.Anyway..from that i day .. i did not say a word if he works till late or in early morning ...just to avoid fights...My prob is ..he never understands me...and talks rudly..which he says that this is normal way of talking...and with bad face expressions and tone, which my 2yrs daughter started copying ...which i can not tolerate.... i showed him wht my daughter has started but still he is not ready to use his mind for home and family...I dont know ...i am misunderstanding him or men are like that...* He helps me... but for only small things...mazor this are taken care by me...* he told me he does not think that he loves me... but he said first try to live nicely thn will think abt love*he works whole day and night whenever he feels like for fame.i was with him...we both started doing that work together but after having baby he is talking help of his brother thn me and i dont like his work anymore bcoz he has started ignoring family for it.*He never bothered abt anyone's health in home nor even his.*I dont feel love ...nor even care.... but i want all this...* our is love marriage but there is no more love...reason he never understood wht love is...and i stopped doing things to make myself less demanding and let him demand for it...but no use... result everything is over... * I told this to my sis and one of my frnd both said 50-60% men are like that but mine is extreme case.*Few months go i met another men who is very ealder to me ... say some 20 yrs but we started talking on phone now... but we both are cleared abt our friendship as we both are married and he has some issue with his family and stays away from them bcoz of his MIL who started staying in his home and spoiled his family life though he is providing every single thing to his family even he is styaing away from them from last 10yrs.I never wanted him directly/indirectly to be the reason of fights b/w me and my husband. My husband does not know abt him and but still i am true to my husband...i dont want to cheat him..we have a pure friendship no bad talks no bad intention ... and its been 6 months now... i strated talking to him on ph 3 months back ... that too not regularly just once in a week... from last months its more regularI dont know this friendship is right or wrong but wht i think is 2 person can be frnds..regardless of their age and marital status.We are maintaining it pure... he knows everthing abt my family life and i abt his. He is ready to support me anytime ...but i dont want to take my daughter away from her father and nor to keep her father away from him.and also i too dont want to take him away from his kids and wife...for my happiness.So i cleared this to my him and ... he is fine...The thing is ... i am feeling that i started loving him and same with him. we both know but we both donot say to each other...as we know our limits ... i am not getting love from my husband nor he is getting it from his wife.... and we both are of calm and emotional person and have kind of same nature.I have cleared him that nothing would not gonna possible in this life for us ... pls dont expect anything from me...except a good frnship... he is fine with it and is behaving as a pure gentle man.... i dont know wht i am doing and why... it is right or wrong ....i keep asking this to me.... can you pls answer me.... i have stopped me and him from crossing any limits though we love each other....It sounds stupid that i am married and loving another guy...believe me 4yrs ago before marriage ... if i hear this... i would say this lady is mad... but this is truth when you dont get love, peace, care and understanding life partner...then you do all this in ur life... I was a person who strongly believe in one love and get maarried to that love... and i did it...i never loved anyone before my hubby.... but his nature and all this yrs of marriage made me doing all this....wht i am doing todayMam can you pls guide me....wht i am doing is wrong or right or wht should i do to make things working at my home ...I want a happy life... but i can not even dream of it in my this life... tell me wht to do Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, brklynsis81 +, writes (25 May 2010):
 I want to start with the feelings of love that you are feeling towards this older friend that you are talking to on the phone. I believe those feelings are real. You have strong feelings towards him because he is filling the role of emotional support that I think you would like to have filled by your husband.
I know that your marriage hasn't worked out the way you had hoped. That's not uncommon. What you need to decide right now is whether or not your marriage is worth saving.
I think the first step is deciding whether or not you think your husband could change. I think you should be upfront: tell your husband that you are unhappy, and that you feel like you should go to marriage counseling. If he refuses - don't fight, don't cry, just tell you him will go alone.
I think if after a few marriage counseling sessions, with or without him, you decide the marriage is not repairable, you need to contact an attorney. It sounds like your husband is the primary bread winner. You will want to make sure your daughter and yourself are properly taken care of.
To be honest, from your description of your husband, he sounds somewhat controlling. He also sounds like he might take your presence in his life for granted. That is why I suggest you go to marriage counseling, even if it's alone. It may wake him up to the serious nature of your concerns.
I also think it is important for you to grow your circle of friends. I am also in a relationship where my partner works long hours. When we first got married it made me very sad. My life has become much more enriched since I made it a point to have friendships outside my marriage. However, I would strongly encourage you to not have friendships with other men. It seems like this friendship you have with another man is posing a threat to your marriage, and I think that if you want to save your marriage, it will be safer to build your girlfriend friendships. I joined a gym and a book club - you can find like minded people through crafting or your church, or whatever activities you enjoy.
I apologize for the length of this reply - I hope it helps. All the best to you and your daughter.
A
female
reader, cindy 15  +, writes (25 May 2010):
 remembered y u married this guy if you love him just like the old days stick with him
but in my eyes if he still treats you like this i say you go and d what you want and whats is best for you
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