A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I discovered a few days ago that my husband has been looking at transvestite pornography.Not just looking at it, but magazines, and even a series of emails arranging to meet with a transvestite!The emails were rather mundane to say the least.I tried finding out what his motivations for it were, but he said it's none of my business, and said that he could meet who he wants online.Isn't meeting online dangerous? - as far as I know it usually is.I feel disgusted by this, and have no idea why he's doing this.It obviously explains his lack of sex drive. I feel so unwanted and unloved.I tried to force him to move out, but obviously he won't, so what do i do now?I told my sister, and she's been great - but how can i personally cope?
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female
reader, eyesopen33 +, writes (25 May 2011):
I am so sorry to hear that this is happening to you. There is nothing more shocking that learning that your husband is looking at transvestite porn and possibly arranging to meet with them. I have gone through this myself, and the relationship almost cost me my life. My advice to you is to try your best to put your emotions aside, and to consult with an attorney. Next, reach out to a church for support. You're going to need it, and this is nothing for you to be shameful about. It has absolutely nothing to do with your worth as a woman. As a matter of fact, my ex and I had a great sex life while he was looking at trasvestite porn, and then I found the truth and things went downhill from there, but it took nine years to end. I loved him, but I beat myself up every day for not leaving in the very beginning. He promised me he would change, but honestly, I never could let go of that and thank God I never had any kids with him. Also, my ex's brother was openly gay. My ex on the other hand was very masculine, almost too masculine, full of pride and arrogance - qualities to steer far away from in a man as I have learned, unfortunately the hard way. This is a lot for a woman to absorb, and now that I am out of the relationship, I have had even men say to me "How did you absorb that? That's a lot." I was in denial over it. It's just something that a woman wouldn't want to accept. I even confronted him on it after several months and he said "I thought they were women." I grew quiet and didn't know how to respond. Then a few months later he promised me he would change because he sensed I was thinking about leaving, and he just became extremely emotionally abusive towards me. Things went downhill from there. So with all that being said, I believe I knew his dark secret and because I knew it, he abused me. So please go see an attorney. Worry about protecting yourself and do not let him know that you are going to see an attorney. If you play your cards right, you could end up with most of the assets in the marriage, which could give you some peace of mind after the divorce. Things will not get better. He would have to confess this problem to people and it is unlikely that he will ever do that. Peace and God Bless. I will pray for you.
A
female
reader, eyesopen33 +, writes (25 May 2011):
I am so sorry to hear that this is happening to you. There is nothing more shocking that learning that your husband is looking at transvestite porn and possibly arranging to meet with them. I have gone through this myself, and the relationship almost cost me my life. My advice to you is to try your best to put your emotions aside, and to consult with an attorney. Next, reach out to a church for support. You're going to need it, and this is nothing for you to be shameful about. It has absolutely nothing to do with your worth as a woman. As a matter of fact, my ex and I had a great sex life while he was looking at trasvestite porn, and then I found the truth and things went downhill from there, but it took nine years to end. I loved him, but I beat myself up every day for not leaving in the very beginning. He promised me he would change, but honestly, I never could let go of that and thank God I never had any kids with him. Also, my ex's brother was openly gay. My ex on the other hand was very masculine, almost too masculine, full of pride and arrogance - qualities to steer far away from in a man as I have learned, unfortunately the hard way. This is a lot for a woman to absorb, and now that I am out of the relationship, I have had even men say to me "How did you absorb that? That's a lot." I was in denial over it. It's just something that a woman wouldn't want to accept. I even confronted him on it after several months and he said "I thought they were women." I grew quiet and didn't know how to respond. Then a few months later he promised me he would change because he sensed I was thinking about leaving, and he just became extremely emotionally abusive towards me. Things went downhill from there. So with all that being said, I believe I knew his dark secret and because I knew it, he abused me. So please go see an attorney. Worry about protecting yourself and do not let him know that you are going to see an attorney. If you play your cards right, you could end up with most of the assets in the marriage, which could give you some peace of mind after the divorce. Things will not get better. He would have to confess this problem to people and it is unlikely that he will ever do that. Peace and God Bless. I will pray for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2009): Here is my advice: go shopping at a department store. Go to the men’s clothing section and get a grasp of how much square footage is covered with menswear. Now, go to the women’s section and look. You will find about 10x the selection and options. This may be a very simple comparison, but the truth is that many men are simply jealous of women. I am one. I am not the manly-man at all but I wouldn't be described as feminine either. However, I look at the life of a woman and it just pisses me off. They can be feminine, they can dress masculine, they can wear heels, or flat shoes, they can wear shorts that are actually shorts rather than these god-forsaken shorts in style for men that hang below the knee...and if they want women can wear those too. They can be sexy, or dull. Long hair or short hair. Big earings, small earrings or no earrings. They can experiment will all kinds of makeup, paint their nails and toenails, and can be soft and loving anytime they want. Women can play any sport they want, and are completely encouraged to try anything athletic. Women have endless ways they can express their personality...for men it's either the blue T-shirt of the brown one.
Men are just stuck in this ugly bum-looking dirty dull trend where the less skin showing, the better. We are cast as "weak" for showing our caring side, and I personally have been held back professionally because I wasn't the bad-ass manly-man jerk of a boss...and frankly it sucks. Men are absolutely terrified that someone might find out of their softer side because any level of femininity is seen as “disgusting.” Don’t believe me? Listen to the song by Brad Paisley; “I’m still a guy” where he sings about “all these men lining up to get neutered…” just because they aren’t some dirty, sweaty, smelly, hairy jerk who treats women like crap. Men have SO MUCH to offer as husbands and fathers if we could all just break the tough-guy mold built for men and appreciate us for who we are, not what we wear.
The point to my rambling is; this may have nothing to do with wanting to be with or meet a transvestite, but everything about what your husband is feeling inside about his own identity. What if he is just trying to find someone to talk to or just completely confused and scared. I’ve done the same; I’ve contacted a TG group just to meet someone that I can relate to and talk to. He has gone through the same things I was going through…and it was very helpful in trying to cope. If this is the case, you ONLY have the right to judge him if you are willing to live completely within the limits he sets for you. In my house that would mean my wife would have to wear short skirts, heels, hosiery, sexy lingerie every night, and have long blond hair all the time...yeah right! She get’s to be who she is, so she does her best to tolerate some of my not-so-male personality traits.
The bottom line is that EVERYONE is different, including you. I am guessing you married him because you love him as a person, how he treats you, and that he makes you happy. True...he was hiding this from you, but take it from someone who's gone through it, he is terrified. You should tell him you love him...no matter what. Encourage him to be honest with you and for goodness sake, don't get mad when he DOES tell you. The worst thing you can do is encourage him to open up, and then beat him down for it. If you do...he will never open up to you like that again. You HAVE to understand that he is not you...you don't have to agree with it or like it, but everyone has the right to be the person god made them.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2009): Leave him. Not easy, and not going to kill you either.
Tell him it's either you or the trannys.
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A
female
reader, slen  +, writes (22 August 2009):
 hi ya this happened to me 2 yrs ago he promised he wud stop he let me shut down all email accounts and gave me his computer passwords so i would know he had nothing to hide.so i forgave him, we have 2kids. 3mths later in the bedroom everything stopped i knew deep in my heart he was doin it again but i had to be smart to catch him out took me 6mths but i did catch him again. i very politely told him i had got into all his secret accounts knew wat he was up to again, calmly ask him to leave as he stuttered to answer me i told him not to bother just leave and i threw the lap top out the door after him(it broke)lol..... i will be honest it was very hard i loved him wit all my heart but i had to respect myself n my kids i did in moments of weekness beg him to come back he said no time and time again. see now 7mths of being single i'm happy, outgoing having the time of my life i never thought i'd get over him but i did thank god. guess who is begging who back now??lol but i'll never go back to that crap coz thats wat i felt like when he was into tranny's and not me.get out leave you will be very happy like me few months down the line!! best of luck xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2009): If his motives for meeting a transvestite are sexual, then of course it's your business. It's no different to him arranging to meet another woman for sex. It could well be that your husband as discovered a new fetish which he feels embarrassed about, hence his aggressive behaviour. I'm afraid that the first step to solving this is talking, and rationally. Try to find out why your husband would do this, and try not to lose your temper. You should prepare yourself for the worst, but this (along with your feelings you mention) is a sign of problems in your marriage, and you must make your husband understand that you require answers and an explanation. Does he know how you feel? You too owe him an explanation, and you must discuss whether you both want to make it work.
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A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity +, writes (21 August 2009):
 It's one thing to be looking up different types of pornography. I mean some people just have fantasies, and they like to enjoy them from time to time. This would be acceptable behavior if it wasn't for two rather large factors that you pointed out. The first is the fact that he is neglecting you as far as sex is concerned. He is your partner, thus he should be sexually paying attention to you. It doesn't sound like he is giving you the time of day. The second red flag is that he is actually planning on meeting someone online who shares the qualities of his fantasy. That's not good. And the fact that he doesn't care what you feel about the situation is disgusting. It doesn't sound like he is willing to change or make room for you in his life, so maybe it's time to go separate ways. You should only have to put up with so much. This is out of line.So what do you do? I'd tell him that things are looking pretty bleak between you and him. If he isn't moving out, take your things with you and move yourself out. Go to your sister's and start that fun legal action. No one deserves to be unhappy, though I believe in attempting to save marriages if at all possible. It doesn't sound like this case is workable unfortunately. Cope by removing the unhappiness from your life. You shouldn't have to cope with this type of behavior.
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