A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I found out three weeks ago my husband has had an affair. We have been married for 10 yrs and he has just turned 40. he has spent since christmas being very moody and distant and said it was just things getting him down, fed up etc, however 3 weeks ago i found a text on his phone from a work colleague saying she loved being with him. I confronted him and he says whilst drunk at christmas party they kissed they had been meeting for a month and had slept together once. he ended the fling the next day and has been trying to sort things out with me since, he says he has been a fool and wants to give our marriage a go BUT, he also told me he has not spoken to her since he ended it, i have found his phonebill and for the whole week after he was supposed to have finished it he was texting and calling her...i am just so confused what to do, do i throw 10 years away or give him a chance. he has no calls for the past week to her??
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2007): Sorry but 10 years is nothing. I walked out on my brute after 20 years of being a battered wife and him cheating 3 times. Leopards never change their spots and why should you be dragged into his pit! I would ask for a divorce. He has cheated on you by sleeping with another woman. Said he would stop contact with her and continued. Sorry but he will continue, if not with her then with someone else. Be brave and move on you DO DESERVE BETTER! Don't put up with this crap, not for a minute.
Take care
xx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2007): THANK YOU SO MUCH TO EVERYONE WHO HAS ANSWERED MY POST, I HAVE NOT SPOKEN TO ANYONE ABOUT THE SITUATION, I JUST FEEL AT THIS MINUTE I DONT WANT ANYONE TO KNOW....BUT HAVING OTHER OPINIONS HAS REALLY HELPED, AT THE MINUTE IM HAVING SOME TIME TO THINK AND TIME TO MYSELF, THE MOST INPORTANT THING IS OUR SON WHO IS 6, AND IM TRYING TO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS NORMAL AT HOME FOR HIM WHILST I DECIDE WHAT TO DO ...THANKYOU AGAIN EVERYONE FOR YOUR ADVICE,
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (23 February 2007):
 Sit down together when it's quiet and have a serious talk with him. Tell him how much it's crushed you and it will take time to build up the trust in him again. If you love him and really want to try and sort this then tell him he's on "trial" for the next few weeks to see if things improve with you both. Let him know you're deadly serious here and if you find one more phone call, text or any piece of evidence to suggest there's stills something going on then the marriage is over! Let him know you get the phone bill in so you'll be checking it.
Let him know this has been a hard decision for you to make but he's turned your whole life upside down doing this and it's up to him to SHOW you by his ACTIONS that he wants to stay with you. If he is genuinely sorry for what he did then he'll prove it to you in the weeks ahead. Be vigilant, watch him carefully, keep a close eye on him at home and watch his body language and his reactions to you. Check his phone out when you get the chance too.
I do think he is genuinely sorry for what he's done. He was drunk and slept with her once. I'm not condoning what he's done, it was wrong but we all make mistakes and throwing it in his face all the time isn't the right way to go about it either so don't mention it again after you've had that serious talk with him. Chances are he doesn't even remember it clearly. Incidentally, let him know you have her phone number and might just have a quick word with her yourself about it. (DON'T do this of course as it wouldn't solve anything but he's not to know that!)
Good luck
Eve
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A
female
reader, dollparts  +, writes (22 February 2007):
 get rid of him! you deserve better guys like that I dunno when their doing that it completey destroys the trust and it will just make things go sour in the end any ways and if you ask me guys like that don't change
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2007): Hi There,I hope you don't mind me writing, as I recently had a one night fling with a mrried man, and want to say that the day after he did regret it, and called and texted me in reply to me texting him, but then has not contacted me since.This was a few weeks before Christmas and although I have been devasted by losing him, I know he was not mine to have in the first place and respect his decision to put his marriage first.I wanted to share this with you as it sounds to me like your husband genuinely wants to be with you, and offer you the side of the story from someone who has been with a married man who has regretted his actions.I really hope it works out for you, and after reading stories on here about how awful it is to find out you have been cheated on, I bitterly regret having been a party to someone cheating and would never do it again.If your husband isn't contacting this person anymore then my guess is that it is over, although the fact that he has cheated at all is still something he will need to work hard to repair.I know for a fact I will never hear from my guy again and hope that makes you feel better about your situation.xxx
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A
male
reader, maxsteel86 +, writes (22 February 2007):
 He's a liar and a cheat. Is there anything worse? Get over him while you still can and find someone who would treat you right. Maybe it was a midlife crisis that made him do that but personally, who gives a crap. He cheated and then lied and then tried to cloud your judgement with promises of love and wanting to work on it etc. Tell him to get bent and leave his worthless ass
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2007): Relationships work if there is commitment, forgiveness and cooperation. I haven't been married so I know my advice may be slightly flawed, but I have had a first-handed view of it... through my mother. My mother caught my father having an affair and confronted him. He admitted it, but said he ended it, etc, etc.. almost exactly how your husband told you. But my mother also found his phone bills, travel expenses, etc.. and obviously, he never ended it. Sometimes, in order to keep some face, the other party will try to tide you over by telling you that they love you and want to be with you and that they're sorry, when they probably never mean it. If you can forgive him (though you'll probably never forget) and are willing to keep the marriage going, I'd suggest try again. But personally, I think you should back away, if you don't want to be hurt even more. You need to think about yourself, your future, your kids (if you have any)... If he can lie about seeing/calling the woman, I don't think he'll have any hesitation about lying twice about ending it. You're only 30-35... you still have time to find someone else! Don't let him hurt you! If you need to leave, leave.. go somewhere quiet, a friend's house, etc.. give some time for yourself, to think about what you're going to do. It can be difficult to take someone else's advice because everyone's situation is different... so listen to yourself.
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