A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am a 60 year old women who has been blind sited by my husband's use of porn and emails. As both of us worked and I never saw his work computer I had no idea he received emails from his "buds" that contained naked women, porn video's,s and m, and poor jokes about wife's stupidity or their body.(He is also 60 and we have been married for 20 years) What made this worse was that I also realized he would watch power points of naked women with me sitting right across the table from him. He has lied about doing it and he gets mad if I interrupt his "viewing." When I "caught" him (I had to stand over his shoulder before he admitted it) then he played it down saying he has no control over what his "buds" send him.(victim) And yes, I found he saved many of his favorite pix's and videos on the computer.As he is cheap he doesn't want to buy a computer for himself (he retired) so, he uses mine and I have access to his email. And yes, he still gets this crap and yes, he still lies but he isn't saving any of his favorites on my hard drive. (I went in and deleted what he did save.)He will not discuss it with me. End of story. He will not say anything to his "buds" (this is a group of 5 guys(whom I have never liked)yet, he emails 30 to 40 buds because of his old business.) I have tried to discuses how he gets mad and treats me like crap when he watches his new "find." Yet all this has done is make him sneaky. He now gets up about 5 am and logs into his email views what he wants deletes or sends it out then leaves his email open for me so, I will believe he is not hiding anything. As he will not talk about any of this and gets mad if I bring it up saying, "he knew that the one thing he did wrong he would pay for it." Meaning that I will not let it go therefore it is my problem not his. However, it is not one thing---it has been going on for years. I was just to naive to understand why he acted the way he did. Why he looked at other women and said "gee, she looks like crap" or "wow, check that out." or "all wives act like that. You have to cater to the little woman to get along." He even talks about women in "power" as bitches and #%#@!@#.I do love him. And I want to work past this but I am unable with his attitude and it is eating me up. I have tried talking with girlfriends, tried looking at pron to understand what I might be missing, tried asking other guy's their view but it all comes down to the fact that I do not trust him because he has lied continues to and he has a secret life. Can someone give me an idea on how to get across to him that fantasizing over other women is normal and healthy but hiding it is not? How can I tell him that this viewing is causing him to look at women as objects and limit his emotional connection with me? Ideas?
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male
reader, unknown2u +, writes (4 November 2011):
Thank you for that follow up. Clearly I'd missed the issue the first time around.
For what it's worth, for men of our generation fewer things were more deeply shameful than masturbation. The shame is practically hard-wired. Yes, it's dumb to sneak around and lie when it's unnecessary. But I can see how it would be difficult to open up, even to someone as accepting as you.
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (4 November 2011):
 Anon I was talking about him using porn (saving videos and photos to look at). I'm not sure why you say it's not affecting their relationship at all. She's clearly describing how this is negatively affecting her, therefore it's negatively affecting the relationship. I don't think it has to interfere with his ability to get an erection to be affecting the relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2011): I'd like to add another point of view here. Men use porn as a drug to deal with stress the same way an alcholic drinks. Is it possible he is unhappy about being retired or something else that could be bothering him. Him waking up early to watch it would be a way to try and hide that he is still doing it. I think counseling is a good suggestion.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, I considered the possibility of blowing this situation up more then what it deserves. And yes, I know it is acceptable in our society for guys to look at naked women, bad jokes, and porn. But I have to say here that when we were first married I got him Penthouse because I knew guys liked it. I wanted him to know I was not uptight about him looking. He was embarrassed and only looked at it when I wasn't around. Then he told me he doesn't "do that." So, I quit getting them.
And I need to say our sex life is poor.(It use to be very good!) I am the one who has to make the move and it takes 3 to 4 days before I get a response. However, this could be do to his age and not his secret viewing.
But to the males that responded can you check out
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2003/nov/08/gender.weekend7. This is written by males about males.
Also, hubby has "cut down" on his viewing and what is interesting is he now treats me better. He wants to do things together and he laughs.(it has been two months now) When I say something I get a smile and response. He is different, plain and simple.
To the women Thanks.
To all; I know this is a cultural issue plus how he was raised by his parents but what I hate is the lying. Why lie about that when he knows I do not have a problem with him "looking." What bothers me is the denial, then accusing me that I have a problem, then claiming to be a victim. Where is the integrity? Why doesn't he just say I do it!
Because he hides I then think there is a problem. And then I think what else is he doing that I do not know about. Men you must understand that when you hide and deny things when we know otherwise you are only digging a hole in the relationship NOT protecting the women from "herself" or from yourself.What is wrong with just saying I DO IT?!?
Then work on anything that comes up. That is how you have a healthy relationship.
Thanks again to all.
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A
female
reader, HappyPlace  +, writes (4 November 2011):
 This is a classic case of men reading the question and tailoring their answer to make the woman feel bad about her husband's porn use.
I would worry BIG TIME that he calls women in power "bitches" - he's definitely looked at too much of this sh**. Honeygirl is right also, to get up early so he can check his PC is a huge red flag. Why didn't the guys answering pick up on these facts, or did they choose to ignore them.
You are right, men who watch a lot of this do objectify woman. I'd say get rid of the PC or lock it away when you are not using it. It is YOUR pc and he's behaving like an adolescent teenager, so put some controls down. He'll probably scream and sqawk for a while but let him. Has this affected your sex life?
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (4 November 2011):
 I think that the point of the matter is that because of his behaviour he has destroyed the trust in the marriage. Even when the proof was in front of him he lied.
Before I get shot down here, men watch porn, there is no denying it, but when a man's first waking thought is to get onto the pc to watch porn, well that is a huge red flag.
Find yourself a counsellor, and even if he wont go to the counsellor, you go - it will be beneficial to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2011): With due respect to Person12345, what exactly is being lost here? The OP isn't saying that their sex life is suffering as a consequence of her husband's on-line life. He's not cheating. He's a 60 year-old bloke having a laugh with other old guys. He's behaving just as you would expect old guys to behave. He might be expressing politically incorrect views about women, but he was born in 1950 for goodness sake. Is it reasonable to expect that he was abducted and given a political correctness implant in the last few years?
If you marry a guy who was born in 1950, you get a guy who was socialized in the 50s and 60s. If you want something different, look for something different. Don't beat him up for being what you married.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (4 November 2011):
I wish I could tell you something encouraging. Unfortunately many men still believe it is their right to objectify women and to hurt their partners to satisfy their libidos. You're not wrong for feeling this way, but if he's completely unwilling to talk about it, there's little you can do other than leave.
If you can, I would suggest couples counseling. Your second best bet is to try to read a book called The Porn Trap together. It helps him understand what this is like for you and for you to understand why he feels such a strong need to look at it. Best of luck.
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A
male
reader, unknown2u +, writes (4 November 2011):
I'm sorry, but I'm missing the problem here. Guys share stuff by email -- jokes, pics, vids -- we have a laugh, share things that are worth drooling over, whatever.
Before the internet they were faxed or photocopied. It's been going on since men worked together in offices.
What, exactly, is bothering you? That a bunch of old guys are making nasty comments? That they're seeing pictures of naked women?
Or that he doesn't care to fess up to you that guys are being guys? The fact that you have a problem with it is exactly why he hasn't told you about it.
Look, he's not wanting to cheat. He's being a guy. Getting dirty pics is just guys being guys. You are taking this *way* too seriously. It has nothing to do with your marriage. And by freaking out about it you are hurting your marriage.
If you think he's cheating, then by all means go nuclear. But going nuclear over stupid emails, you're nuking your marriage for no good reason. Chill for God's sake!
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