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*inkCheers
writes:I just recently started dating a guy. He just found out that I am a virgin. I asked him how he felt about it after he had time to get over his shock (I'm 22.... it's not all that common to come across..I guess). He told me that he was fine with it but i'm not sure if I believe him. This question is mostly for the guys. What would your initial reaction be if you found out the girl you just started dating was a virgin? Would you continue to see her, knowing perfectly well you may have to wait a while to have sex? Keep in mind he is a 23yr old. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2008): I don't know why so many girls seem to treat their V-card as some kind of secret humiliating scarlet letter. Maybe an experienced man is sexy to women, but that doesn't mean the same thing is true the other way.
I'm going to make a suggestion that might sound the weirdest of anything people have said here:
If your BF isn't making a big deal out of the lack of sex from you so far, then maybe it's really just not a big deal for him to wait a while.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2008): In Portugal, most 22 year olds are virgens, both male and females (not including masturbation). I´m a 22 year old male living in Lisbon. To answer your question, yes I would continue seeing her. My advise to you is not to confuse love with sex. There are girls who I would like to have sex with but don´t want a relationship with. On the other hand, there are girls I would like to someday marry and sex is kind of a "by the way thing".If a guy is willing to dump you for not having sex then he probably doesn´t care about you. If you want a real partner, look for someone that just wants to be with you and is willing to wait for sex because having you is more important.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2008): i've dated a 28yr old & 30 yr old virgins so your case isn't that strange. my immediate thoughts were ok bit strange. after 6 months I did have sex w the 28yr old & discussed marriage but it didn't happen (she left me long story), frankly the sex wasn't that good partly because she was inexperienced but I did love her as a person. the 30yr old & I had communication & trust issues so it never happened. back to your q - a guy thinks - 1 being a virgin is sweet 2 i'll have to wait (damn) 3 do I want to wait 4 how much do I like her (to wait) 5 the sex will be great because it's special but it won't be good because she's inexperienced (i may be pilloried for that comment). hope this helps. good luck & god bless
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reader, daletom  +, writes (20 December 2008):
You are collecting some very good advice. A lot depends on who you are, and who the guy is, and what the intentions are.
(Be assured that a 22-yr old virgin, either girl or guy, may be in the minority but it's far from rare. Studies of various groups would say 10% - 25% of folks your age are virgins - and this has been true for 30 or 40 years. Despite what some may say about changes in sexual behavior, teenage sex was the norm at least as far back as my "baby boomer" generation. We were the first to exploit easy access to safe and reliable contraceptives, we declared the "summer of love", coined the phrase "If it feels good, do it!", and produced "Woodstock". For the record, both my wife and I were 23-year old virgins on our wedding night.)
Now "virginity" isn't exactly what you discuss on a first date - at least, not any first dates I've been on. So I'm guessing you are starting to get rather serious about this guy. That's OK - my wife & I were engaged about 3 months after we first met. Is this guy similarly serious?
There are, unfortunately, guys who seek out virgin girls just to carve a notch or chalk up a score. The conquest feeds their egos, and they quickly move on to the next target. Since most 22-yr old girls recognize these guys for what they are, they seldom bother with girls your age. Actually, if you want to "just get it over with", I feel sorry for you - but one of these guys could probably do the job with minimal discomfort in an encounter that is slightly more personal than using a small cucumber.
Not exactly the same thing, are the 23-yr old guys who are mainly looking for a comfortable, physical relationship without a lot of commitment, responsibility, or obligation. Your virginity is somewhat attractive to them, but at the same time the challenge of "what will it take to do her" is a little unsettling. They might wait as long as a couple months for you to "give it up", and afterwards stay with you for a few weeks to several years; it could even turn into a lifetime together, but that's not their original intent.
Personally, I hope your guy isn't in either of the above categories. I assume you have NOT spent the last decade locked in the basement of a Convent, and your guy also knows this. If he thinks about it for more than 5 minutes he should realize you COULD have had sex before now. The fact that you haven't says that you, like me and many other guys (possibly even your guy), value and respect sexuality. I don't know if that's because of the family values you were raised under, or religious conviction, or a personal moral code you just happened to pick up as you grew up. I hope your guy respects your choice to remain a virgin whatever your reasons are. Since, as we said, your situation is in the minority, if I was your guy I'd like to know your reasons for waiting. He may or may not agree with your reasons but I hope he respects your position and doesn't unduly pressure you or coerce you to change.
When I was 22, and a virgin, I hoped to meet and marry a similarly virgin girl though I knew the odds were against me. I probably would have accepted somebody who wasn't. I wasn't 100% sold on the "wait until marriage" position, but I agreed it wasn't a bad idea. "Engaged to be married" was probably my criteria for adding sex to a relationship. My (now) wife WAS committed to "wait until marriage". Because I loved her, and respected her position, I complied with her wishes.
You never said whether your guy is a virgin, though you implied he isn't. Regardless of prior experience, what are his current views on sexuality? Although about half of North American people have had sex before age 19 (and half have not!) a significant number say their first sexual experiences were either too young, or for the wrong reasons, or with the wrong partner. That indicates your guy may be more willing to wait than you think he is.
Several responses mentioned a concern common to guys. That is the fear, "Does her 'Not now!' REALLY mean 'Not ever!?", or "Will she be a good bed partner?". Sex is a significant part of most marriages, especially for guys. There are threads here on this Forum where guys complain (legitimately, I believe) about their wives' lack of sexual skill and desire. As former Senator (and retired Admiral, and 8-year POW) Jeremiah Denton said in the Congressional Record, "... when you get married you kind of expect you're going to get a little sex.". Guys are afraid that married sex will be done entirely in the dark - as quickly and quietly as possible - and once per child.
This is real. You will probably have to address the question with your guy but I don't have a strong recommendation for you. Of course one solution is to show him what sex with you is like - although if doing so compromises your personal standards, such a demonstration may be disappointing to BOTH of you! My wife and I successfully used non-coital activities (necking, petting, etc) after we were engaged. We helped each other meet her goal of "Not before marriage" by recognizing each others' lust and keeping it in check - and, by the time we were married, I had no doubts that she could both pleasure me and respond to me. On the other extreme, my daughter and her husband wouldn't even really kiss before they were married. I don't know how she convinced him that his sexual needs would be met, but after 3 years of marriage they have two daughters of their own so it must be happening!
You should consider showing this thread to your guy. Since you haven't said much about either of you, he can at least point out the responses that are (or aren't) relevant to him. I'm rather impressed by your insight and maturity in this matter, and hope you experience a very satisfying and fulfilling relationship - if not with this guy, then with an even better guy soon!
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reader, Fiona_Greenwell  +, writes (19 December 2008):
 Dear PinkCheers; The idea that it is somehow problematic being a virgin at our age is largely a myth.
I am also a virgin of 22 and I have not had a negative reaction so far.
People are often under the mistaken impression that a lack of experience is a lack of knowledge. Just make sure that people realise you're nobody's fool and you will gain a great deal of respect from the kind of people worthwhile attracting. Your disciplined personality will serve you well in the future.
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reader, passionatelynumb +, writes (19 December 2008):
 I don't disagree with you "pvtguy". I'd want to make sure that my partner enjoys sex and that we have good chemistry before committing the rest of my life to her, BUT at the same time, there is something really special about a girl who doesn't just jump into bed with every guy who takes her out to dinner.
Plus it doesn't sound like the poster is saying she's waiting until marraige. It just sounds like she's waiting until she knows she found the right person. That to me is someone worth waiting for.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2008): I would think i had struck gold. It would fill me with a sense of security.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2008): As a guy it is wonderful to not hear things like, "my second boyfriend did it this way and it was fantastic". No comparisons at all, super! No STDs! I think it is admirable to keep yourself pure for Mr. Right. Being more that twice as old as you, I realize that cultural ideas have changed in the past 30 years. Dating/marrying a virgin has a lot of advantages; the only disadvantage is the wait. Great things are worth waiting for! To answer your questions, a beautiful 22 year old virgin would be a surprise, but a pleasant one. I guess I am old-fashioned, but I would prefer a virgin over an experienced girl. Your boyfriend is a lucky man. Just not sure if he realizes it!
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reader, Zim +, writes (19 December 2008):
 I would think it is fantastic! Being a virgin in today's world is such a valuable and wonderful thing. And a rare one at that. If you keep yourself a virgin until marriage/when you're ready (I don't know your feelings in that matter) you then are able to give the man you love the most wonderful and unique gift that no one else can possibly give.
On another note, its not uncommon for 22 year olds to be virgins.:-) I am and i've been in a relationship for over a year. The key of any relationship, especially in your case is respect of your own views which you should insist on. If he is also a virgin, and was just shocked that he had found another, then great! It is unlikely that there will be a conflict of views. But if he is not, then it is up to you to ensure that your feelings are upheld. If he is not a virgin, sex could be higher on his agenda than yours. I think that this perhaps worth talking about further to him.
ZIM
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2008): You know this will be a subjective answer based on everyone's background ... the real question is how YOU feel about dating a non-virgin, or a virgin? What were YOUR motives for not giving it (your virginity) already to someone? ... in the end is about compatibility in moral values and priorities
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reader, HopelessRomantic2010 +, writes (19 December 2008):
Hii...Well, I'm not a guy...but here goes. Lol.I think most guys would be okay with it. I myself am a virgin, and when I told my boyfriend, he was just kind of like, "Cool." However, this is probably brought on by the fact that he is a virgin himself. I guess it might be different for someone who isn't. But I don't think it should be. There isn't anything wrong with being a virgin; even at your age. I'm seventeen, and I'm pretty much the only virgin among my group of friends. Unless I end up getting married by the time I'm your age (not likely), I'll still be a virgin then, too. My boyfriend knows that I'm going to wait until marriage, and he accepts it...because he loves me and respects my wishes. If this guy can't do the same for you, then he's not worth it. But if he really loves you, he'll wait. So, I'm going to say that, as long as he's not just in it for sex (not trying to imply that he is...but you just never know), it's safe to believe him when he says that he accepts it.Good luck, and God bless,~Sarah~
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reader, passionatelynumb +, writes (19 December 2008):
I would think I had found someone very special! Girls like you are few and far between. I haven't dated a virgin since high school. What you have is a gift. Make sure who ever you give it to will cherish it, and cherish you.
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