A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi there - I have a situation who I don’t know who else to speak to about it. 3 years ago I was in a relationship with someone who I genuinely fell in love with. He had a lot of maturing to do and couldn’t quite seem to get to the point of saying he loved me back. We had a ton of fun together and genuinely enjoyed each others company. One day I saw a text on his phone from a girl I knew liked him. She had asked him out to lunch and he said ok but never mentioned having a girlfriend. I still don’t understand his logic but basically he said he felt it was just a friendship lunch and there was no need to say anything about having a girlfriend. Things went downhill after that and we ended up fighting a lot over stupid things. We ended up breaking up on bad terms and severed ties. Now that it’s been 3 years, he recently reached back out and said he thought about his actions and how immature he was. He did a lot of self work and therapy and feels like he is in a better place. I feel like he is trying to open the door to see if a dating relationship is possible again. I am open to it because I truly did enjoy being with him and how he made me feel up until the end. He’s not a bad guy by any means.. just a little dopey when it comes to relationships (I was his first). I think we have both grown substantially in the years apart and I would be interested in seeing him again. My problem lies with my family and friends who obviously took my side and didn’t feel he was right for me. I know it’s my life and my family and friends opinions matter but don’t make the final say. But how would I even broach the topic of attempting to rekindle something with someone who once hurt me? I am 32 and he is 31 for reference. Thank you in advance.
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (17 July 2023):
 Huh? He did a lot of self work and therapy? What exactly does that mean?
He needed years and a stranger to tell him it was wrong to agree to go on a date with another woman? A 10 year old knows this. His problem wasn't maturity but character.
Frankly, if you're seriously thinking about getting back together, then I say have at it. Clearly you're both cut from the same cloth.
30 is the new 12.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 July 2023):
 Hmm, I think you need to just wish him well.
He was 28 at the time when he CHOSE to go to lunch with a girl he KNEW had a crush on him. OLD enough to know better.
You don't HAVE to have had MANY relationships to understand that IF your partner is uncomfortable with some of your choices you LISTEN to that. You think about it, you put yourself in your partner's shoes and THEN you make your choice. He didn't do any of that. HE wanted to go to lunch with her SO he did. YOU didn't factor into his choice WHATSOEVER.
You write:"He’s not a bad guy by any means.. just a little dopey when it comes to relationships (I was his first)."
Do you know what that is? THAT is you making excuses for him. - Oh he didn't respect me so that makes him "dopey". No, girl. It makes him SELFISH.
Saying that he has GROWN a lot in the last 3 years is perhaps true. But it can also be that it's JUST words. I could be that he has been told MULTIPLE times that his actions were not OK. So he figured to either NOT do that again, OR just try with someone else.
Just because he "grew up a bit" doesn't mean he is now the "perfect guy for you".
"Things went downhill after that and we ended up fighting a lot over stupid things."
You know the reason you two broke up wasn't just over "stupid things" - it was something that MEANT something to you and to him.
Are you perhaps operating under the "scarcity & biological clock" issue? When you at 32 are ready to settle down and start a family so you HAVE to find a good partner for this. And you are not confident that you can find a GOOD fit, or that good men are hard to find so going back to an ex is a viable option. I get it. However, it's also a sure way to "settle" for someone who is "halfways" good or "good enough".
And then there is trust. You know you can't just pretend the past never happened and the slate is clean. It's not realistic. If you think you can now trust him fully, I think you are being naive. You two have history and baggage with each other.
Can you move past that? Maybe.
Personally, I'd skip this guy and start FRESH with someone with whom you don't have a negative history and baggage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2023): He is wasting your time trust me. He just wants closure.
If you need closure too then go for it but don't pin your hopes on anything coming of it.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (16 July 2023):
 Personally, I'd never get back with an ex, no matter how much love was there, because they are an ex for a reason. In this case, a girl was the catalyst... It started with this girl and then snowballed into a whole lot of issues, so much so that you broke up on bad terms and severed ties. As Kenny said, if you hadn't seen the text, there's no way of knowing how many dates he would have gone to behind your back, calling it just "friendship". BS!
I'm with your friends and family on this one. You're 32 and you are probably looking to get married in a couple of years, right? What else is this leading to? He may have been the right guy at that time but he blew it and once the trust is broken, believe me it'll never be the same again. If you were my sister or friend, I would warn you not to go down this road again and waste another couple of years.
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (16 July 2023):
 I think that your family and friends are just worried about you and don't want to see you get hurt again, its normal, just means they care about you.
So he accepted a lunch date with someone he knew liked him, and never disclosed the fact he had a girlfriend?. I feel if you never saw the text on his phone he would have just gone on the date and you would have never known, question is how many more dates would he have gone on with her without you knowing?.
Trust is one of the most important things in a relationship, one the trust barrier has been broken the damage is more often than not irrepairable. If you got with him again could you be 100% sure he is never going to do this again?. Or will you feel the need to check his phone again a bit further down the line?.
As you rightly say its your life, and your family and friends opinions matter, but you have the final say.
I think you are just going to have to listen to your heart on this one and do what you feel is right.
If you feel that if you are going to get with him and you are still carrying with you what he did last time and always suspecting him, then i would save yourself the heartache and walk away from the whole thing and start something new and fresh with someone else.
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